There are days I think I'm being greedy. Greedy to want to try again. Greedy to want another little one to love. Greedy to want more. There are days I feel like I should be satisfied with the three beautiful boys I have and not want one more.
But I do. I want one more chance. One more chance to see my husband in a being we created. One more chance to see the pure bliss on his face as he cuddles our newest little one. One more chance to be amazed at the children we have and the way they love the newest one.
I feel greedy because there are so many wonderful ladies in the ALI community who don't even have one. I feel greedy because I'm asking a lot of my husband who is 10 years older than me. I feel greedy because I am so blessed already. I feel greedy because "Shouldn't I stop while I'm ahead? Shouldn't I end on a high note?" and not ask the universe to grant me one more miracle.
But I am asking. I'm asking God and the universe to give me one more chance to experience the joys of pregnancy. I'm asking asking that my husband's health be good and stable so we can try once more and have many, many years to make this journey together. I'm asking for one more chance to be elated beyond belief and terrified beyond words when I see a positive pregnancy test. I'm asking for one more chance to complete my family because I truly believe there are suppose to be 4 children. I'm asking for one more chance to throw caution to the wind and try to overcome the odds.
But I still feel greedy. I feel greedy because I want to see another positive and there are so many who haven't seen one yet. I feel greedy because I'm asking for one more healthy baby and so many people have kids who struggle daily. I feel greedy because I want MORE.
But, you see, there is a little hole off to the side...an empty spot in the family pictures. I may be the only one that perceives that spot but that spot is waiting for a little one. I am blessed with a wonderful husband and 3 fabulous kids. I am happy and can continue to be happy if I ask and the answer is no. But, if I don't ask, I would always wonder. I would always suspect we missed out on something miraculous because we didn't try.
So, I am asking...
Please God...let everything in the universe align so the moment comes. Let my husband's health stabilize and improve so the moment comes. Let everything workout and let my whack job fertility hold on just long enough that we can try again. If we try and don't get there, I can be happy, I will be happy. But, please God, give us this chance.
I don't know if its need or greed. I t could even be a little of both.