"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. " -Helen Keller

Friday, March 06, 2009

Is it greed or is it need?

There are days I think I'm being greedy. Greedy to want to try again. Greedy to want another little one to love. Greedy to want more. There are days I feel like I should be satisfied with the three beautiful boys I have and not want one more.

But I do. I want one more chance. One more chance to see my husband in a being we created. One more chance to see the pure bliss on his face as he cuddles our newest little one. One more chance to be amazed at the children we have and the way they love the newest one.

I feel greedy because there are so many wonderful ladies in the ALI community who don't even have one. I feel greedy because I'm asking a lot of my husband who is 10 years older than me. I feel greedy because I am so blessed already. I feel greedy because "Shouldn't I stop while I'm ahead? Shouldn't I end on a high note?" and not ask the universe to grant me one more miracle.

But I am asking. I'm asking God and the universe to give me one more chance to experience the joys of pregnancy. I'm asking asking that my husband's health be good and stable so we can try once more and have many, many years to make this journey together. I'm asking for one more chance to be elated beyond belief and terrified beyond words when I see a positive pregnancy test. I'm asking for one more chance to complete my family because I truly believe there are suppose to be 4 children. I'm asking for one more chance to throw caution to the wind and try to overcome the odds.

But I still feel greedy. I feel greedy because I want to see another positive and there are so many who haven't seen one yet. I feel greedy because I'm asking for one more healthy baby and so many people have kids who struggle daily. I feel greedy because I want MORE.

But, you see, there is a little hole off to the side...an empty spot in the family pictures. I may be the only one that perceives that spot but that spot is waiting for a little one. I am blessed with a wonderful husband and 3 fabulous kids. I am happy and can continue to be happy if I ask and the answer is no. But, if I don't ask, I would always wonder. I would always suspect we missed out on something miraculous because we didn't try.

So, I am asking...

Please God...let everything in the universe align so the moment comes. Let my husband's health stabilize and improve so the moment comes. Let everything workout and let my whack job fertility hold on just long enough that we can try again. If we try and don't get there, I can be happy, I will be happy. But, please God, give us this chance.

I don't know if its need or greed. I t could even be a little of both.

6 comments:

InfertileMadWoman said...

Octo Bitch is GREED, you my dear are just a good mommy who wants to share with one more lucky baby!!!!!

Hugs,
Rebel

Beautiful Mess said...

I don't think it's greed at all! I think it's proof of how much love you have in you and your family to want more. You have a lot of love to give. Have a GREAT weekend!

Tanyetta said...

You are a beautiful and awesome MOM!

What you are experiencing is NOT GREED at all.

Continue to pray that GOD will guide and guard your heart through this process and will provide for your family exactly what he feels is right and possible for you.

Sending you major positive vibes and I loved reading the honest open truth in your post. You're a beautiful woman!

Another Dreamer said...

It's not greed, don't think that way. No one would hold it against you for wanting another one.

You love your family. That is not greedy. You want more, who doesn't?

I hope you get your wish and that your prayers are answered.

Best wishes hun.

Soralis said...

Babies as such wonderful things I can understand why you would want another! I am with ya sister! :)

Good luck!

laura debellas said...

I can completely understand. Thank you so much for responding on my blog. Only like 3 people read it and you are one of the lucky 3. hehehheheh

thank you again,
Laura