Infertility: Take 2

There are some of you who have been hanging around the Lair for quite a while. I have to guess that some of you remember way back in September '08 when I told y'all that Vic and I had decided to try for our 4th and final baby.  I'm sure those of you who remember also wonder why I went almost completely silent on the subject. With Vic's encouragement and consent, I'm finally going to tel you what's been going on.

Here in the Cruz household, we never tend to do anything in half measures. That applies to medical issues as well as just about everything else. Back in early 2006, Vic was diagnosed with type II diabetes. While it's not a diagnosis anyone wants to get, our attitude at the time was that at least it was a treatable and a manageable disease...little did we know.

I still remember one of the first things Vic's doctor asked him at that first appointment he had about learning to manage his diabetes. Dr. T looked at Vic and asked, "Have you noticed any decrease in your sex drive or ability to perform?" Vic laughed and said, "We have a 3 month old baby. Any change in sex drive has been chalked up to exhaustion." Well, Dr. T told him that erectile dysfunction is a frequent side effect of diabetes (due to impaired blood flow) and, if the sex drive didn't pick back up as the diabetes came under control, Vic should let him know. Viagra was mentioned but nothing was really pursued at that point.

Eventually, Viagra was prescribed and daddy's little helper took care of the issue. When we decided to try to complete our family, Viagra was obviously part of the plan but I didn't think it would have a major roll. Guess once again, thinking should have been labeled as being highly over-rated. Less than 3 months after we started trying again, Vic's diabetes decided to rebel. Blood sugars that had previously been fairly well controlled spiraled out of control. A pancreas that was feeling ignored by the body decided that since the body wasn't using it's insulin well that it would stop making insulin at all. Although he was still technically a type II diabetic, he was now completely insulin dependent and, when you factored in his extreme insulin resistance, he might as well have been a true brittle diabetic. At this point,Viagra did become a big part of our efforts but it became a big part of our TTC efforts not because it helped but because it stopped working reliably.

While Vic's endocrinologist eventually got his blood sugar under control, it took massive doses of insulin to do so. I swear, he takes insulin doses massive enough to drop an elephant in it's tracks. Those massive doses of insulin control his blood sugar levels but they never allowed the Viagra to work well again and the doses of insulin definitely never allowed us to ditch daddy's little helper. In fact, the massive doses of insulin caused (and still cause) all kinds of other issues such as weight gain (yeah, it really is a side effect of large doses of insulin) which exacerbated the diabetes. And, while Vic's blood sugar levels were mostly controlled, his weight went up, his energy levels went way down, and he started to develop peripheral neuropathy.

And, let me tell you, that peripheral neuropathy is a real bitch. When people talk about peripheral diabetic neuropathy, they think about it affecting primarily the feet with numbness and some pain. What no one ever tells you is that peripheral diabetic neuropathy can also cause some loss of sensation in the genital area for men. So, at this point you have blood flow issues and loss of sensation and Viagra not working, our TTC efforts came to a screeching halt. Honestly, I was mourning. I was mourning not only the loss of that potential 4th child but I was mourning the loss of our sex life. I loved and do love my husband. Nothing would ever change that but I missed our sex life.

At some point in all this, Vic had to change endocrinologists and that turned out to be a truly fabulous thing. His new doctor was the one who finally got a handle on his blood sugar and, a little over a year ago, that endocrinologist finally tested Vic's thyroid function...something that should have been checked from day one of his diabetic diagnosis but we didn't know to ask and his doc's missed it. Vic turned out to have a pretty severe case of hypothyroidism. His severely under functioning thyroid was a major cause of his lack of energy. Then, about 3 1/2 months ago, Vic switched endocrinologists once again because, while he loved the doc, the office staff for that doc sucked. The missed getting prescriptions called in, were slack about following up on requests, and Vic had had enough.

Once again, the doctor change turned out to be a wonderful thing. His new is truly sharp and on the ball. She was the first one who ever mentioned to Vic that not only is the thyroid frequently affected by diabetes but, often times, testosterone levels often hit the bottom of the barrel when the thyroid is so severely affected. Sure enough, once again it was a case of doing things in grand fashion. When it was tested, Vic's testosterone levels came back as being abnormally low. It was strike three against any possible TTC efforts and it was a classic case of male factor infertility diabetes style. It was infertility: take 2 for the Cruz family.

And, that is why I went silent on the topic for so long. While it was part of our infertility journey, it wasn't my story to tell...at least, not my story to tell without permission. Also, I just couldn't quite deal with it all until there was a possibility of some solution, some resolution. It was just too disheartening to talk about it all without a possible solution and there is now a potential for a solution. If anyone's interested in the possible solution (strictly medical info), I can talk about that later. This post is massive enough as it is. Thank you to all of you who've bravely soldiered through the reading of it.


Finally, I want to say a special and heartfelt thank you to my wonderful husband, Vic, for allowing me to share this story. It takes a special man to have the confidence to share a story like this. When I asked Vic if it was all right to share about this, he not only said yes, but he told me that he thought it was really important to get this information out so it could possibly help someone. To quote Vic directly, "When your body says fuck you, start getting tests done."

The Least I Can Do

It's almost midnight. Almost all the lights are off in my house. I really wanted to go to bed about 2 hours ago. Instead, I'm sitting in front of the TV, watching shows with my son, and typing this post.

I'm sitting here feeling totally helpless and like I've failed my son. Poor Marty has had a migraine since last Sunday night. That's right, he hasn't felt well over 7 days (I could round it off to about 173 hours). He hasn't felt well in over a week because of something he inherited from me and that just makes me feel lower than low.

My poor son has missed the last 5 days of school and will likely miss one more because I can't make him feel better. He can't sit in front of a computer to do any work because it makes his nauseous. All the lights are out in the house because he is so extremely light sensitive right now. And, any loud or sharp noises can bring him to his knees.

We've tried motrin, tylenol, pain meds, ice packs, caffeine, prednisone, and anything we can think of to help Marty feel better. I think the prednisone might have worked but the horrible weather fronts have come one after another after another. Since I can't make him feel better, I'll sit here with him until his exhaustion is greater than the pain and he is able to sleep. It's the least I can do.

And They Shall Walk!

I saw an incredible story on TV the other night and I had to share. It was a story about an organization call They Shall Walk. They Shall Walk was founded by Monty Reed, a disabled veteran. to pursue his dream of walking and helping others to walk again. Mr. Reed was inspired by the science fiction great, Robert Heinlein, and his story Starship Troopers to develop his Lifesuit exoskeleton that allows paralyzed people to get up and walk. Take a look at these super short videos and I bet you'll be as impressed as I was.



You can find out more about the incredible work being done by this group at the They Shall Walk home page or on the They Shall Walk Facebook page or by following Monty Reed on Twitter.

Are they too much like me?

When your kids are little, you can't help but dreaming and imagining what they are going to be like when they grow up. Is he going to have my smile? Is she going to look like me? Are my sons going to get their daddy's sense of humor? Some times you wonder where they got their chin from or whose beautiful, long fingers found their way onto your baby's hand. It's like a daily discovery watching your child grow and trying to figure out where all the facets of them came from.

Even with all the things we delight in seeing in our children, there are inevitably things we hope they don't get from us.  We might hope they avoid getting the crooked teeth or the myopic eyes. We hope that some miracle lets our child inherit grandpa's mellow singing voice instead of our flat as a pancake singing voice. Sadly, and it some cases, thankfully, we don't get a vote as to what our children inherit. It's random chance what our kids get from us.

One thing I never found myself hoping for, never found myself imagining was what if my babies inherit my migraines or gee I hope they get my asthma. Luckily, none of them seem to have gotten my asthma (why do I always hear miasma when I say my asthma).  Sadly, though, 2 out of my 3 kids have inherited my weather induced migraines and this week has been a real bitch for them. I fucking hate seeing my children in pain, especially when I can't make that damned pain go away and I know they got it from me. I think knowing they got this medical issue from me bothers me more than seeing tough personality quirks they might have got from me. Personality quirks can be dealt with. You can learn to work around personality quirks or possibly even learn to exploit them and use them to your advantage. My poor sons can't avoid the migraines since their trigger is the weather, something they have NO control over, and I sure as hell don't see any way the migraines can be used to their advantage. And, it truly sucks beyond belief that I can't make this lovely inherited trait go away.


What characteristics do you hope your kids (current, future, adopted, whatever) get from you and what do you hope and pray they avoid?

Round and Round and Round I Go

Right now I have so many things I want to write about, so many things I want to say. I have all these thoughts swirling through my head and it's making it hard for me to get my words down on screen. I simply don't know what I want to write about first. Can y'all help me pick a topic?

1. I want and need to write about the new type of infertility we've been dealing with and all the medical issues and complications that go along with it.
2. I have the next part of my story The Dying of the Light swirling around and need to write it out.
3. I'm itching to tell y'all about all the fabulous new things we are getting and doing with our tax return...especially the fabulous source for bras I have found.
4. I also have a possible post about things you don't want to see your children inherit from you that I've been thinking about writing.

So, what do you want to read the most? Help me decide what to write first.

Win a signed copy of The Story of Beautiful Girl

One of the things I love best about blogging is getting to share my passions with you. Reading has been and always will be a true passion and there is one particular book that I am truly passionate about. That book is The Story of Beautiful Girl by Rachel Simon. I've talked about this book here on my blog (go read it if you haven't already), I've run my mouth about it on Goodreads and Amazon, and I've told everybody who will listen how amazing this book is. Now, I want to share The Story of Beautiful Girl with one of you. When my mom and I went to hear Rachel talk about her book, I bought a copy of the book to give away and had her sign it but, I have to confess that I would have bought a copy for each and every one of you if money wasn't an issue. I can't wait to give this book away to one of you so click on the more link below and enter using the Rafflecopter form.

My Adventures with Maude

On the road trip I took with my mom last Thursday, I got the chance to use Maude for the first time. *Maude is my parents' Garmin GPS. Maude is also Delusional, a lying bitch, or has a drug habit...possibly all three.

On Thursday, after attending Rachel Simon's meet the author/book signing, my mom and I headed back to our hotel room. I had brought along my laptop because I  needed to work on the slide show honoring the Webelo 2's who were bridging up to boy scouts. There was one problem though...I brought the laptop but forgot the charging cord and the battery life on this antiquated laptop isn't worth shit. So, I decided to head out to the local Wal-Mart and get a replacement charging cord.

I hopped in the car, figured out how to get Maude to search for the closest Wal-Mart, and headed out. Maude's directions to Wal-Mart were fairly simple. I only had to make three turns, one which was into the Wal-Mart parking lot. I made the turn onto the last road and Maude said "3.4 miles until Wal-Mart on left." I was being a good driver and not looking down so I was just listening to Maude. I assumed Maude knew what she was talking about. Next I heard, "Turn left into Wal-Mart in .3 miles...turn left in .2 miles."

I'm looking left and I don't see any Wal-Mart.

"Arriving on Wal-Mart on left."

I still don't see any Wal-Mart. Wal-Marts are pretty damned big. Wal-Marts are pretty fucking hard to miss. I think that maybe Maude has messed up with the distance so I decided to go a bit farther. I crossed over the bridge and still no Wal-Mart on the left so I turned around.

"Recalculating..."

I turned back onto the road Wal-Mart was suppose to be on. Maude still insisted Wal-Mart was on the left...even though I was on the same road...going the opposite direction...Wal-Mart was still on the left. I call bullshit.

As I was approaching an intersection, Maude said "Turn left in .3miles." I happened to glance left as I passed through the intersection...well, fuck me, there's Wal-Mart. I needed to turn there not in .3 miles. I went forward to the next intersection,  turned around AGAIN and, as I turn around, Maude says, "Turn left into Wal-Mart in .3 miles." What the fuck...this must be a magical Wal-Mart...bouncing from one side of the road to the next. Then, as I'm turning RIGHT into Wal-Mart and Maude's map shows me turning right, Maude says, "Arriving at Wal-Mart on left." Holy hell, Maude must be delusional, a lying bitch, or she's been smoking crack.

The next day, we had multiple times that Maude insisted we were turning left while we were turning right and Maude's map showed us we were turning right. Then, on the way to the temple of Ikea, Maude tries to take us through a dead end which butts up against a large ditch because Maude keeps insisting the road continues through there. After we turned around, Maude kept insisting we needed to reverse course and head back to the dead end and Maude didn't believe the road we took to Ikea was really there and she showed us traveling through a great white expanse.

When we left Ikea, once we got onto roads that existed in the world of Maude, she did give us good directions to downtown Charlotte where we met my sister and dropped of my nieces. We left our meeting with my sister, entered my house as our final destination, and Maude gave us good directions back out to the highway. We made one of our last turns before reaching the highway, drove into a sort of valley, and Maude announced, "Recalculating." Since the exact same directions popped back up, we figured Maude had temporarily lost her signal.

We got back on the highway without further drama. We were nearing the exit Maude had us take to Ikea earlier and Maude started telling us to get off the highway. Damn, when Maude was recalculating, she skipped backward to a much earlier set of directions. I reentered my home as our final destination. Maude still told us to take the next exit. That's when the giggles hit both my mom and I. I asked my mom if she thought we should trust Maude...but, the obvious answer was no. We ignored Maude and kept driving. Then we saw the traffic ahead...traffic backing up before we hit the construction zone. Then there was the sign...the DOT sign that was lit up to warn us about the accident ahead...shit, one lane lost to construction, one lane lost to an accident.

Our forward speed dropped to almost zero. Seriously, we were going maybe 1 mph and that turned out to be a good thing because Maude chose that moment to act up again. Once again, despite having acknowledged my home as the final destination, Maude told us to get off the highway at the next exit. The giggles hit again. Maude said, "Exiting highway on exit 42." The giggles got worse. We were barely creeping forward on the main highway and Maude thought we were getting on the exit ramp. We keep creeping forward...Maude keeps showing us going up the ramp...we keep laughing harder and harder. This is why it was good we were going so slowly because we were laughing so hard tears were streaming down out cheeks. That wouldn't have been good at 75 mph.

Then, Maude's circuits must have really fried when the distance between our actual location and where she thought we were got too big because, suddenly, she transported us through thin air back to where we really were. All this did was make us laugh harder. Once we finally calmed down, I told my mom that I thought we should put Maude to bed early and we finally drove home in peace.

I think this is why I laughed so hard in Sunday School today when someone called God and Jesus our moral GPSs.