"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. " -Helen Keller

Monday, December 20, 2004

My first month "back in the saddle" and its already a bust...

because here I am in the middle of my fertile period and I'm suffering the after effects of Kristin vs the Christmas Tree... yup, you read that right...here's what happened...

On Thursday, Marty almost knocked over our tree twice. Our tree is about 8 ft tall and we have one of those huge stands that will hold 2 1/2 gallons of water. Despite this, Marty managed to send it off kilter enough that the stand was almost emptied twice. After the second mishap, Vic and I finally got it secure in the stand and I decided I would be damned if that was happening again. I decided I was going to put two eyebolts into the wall and tie my tree to them. I got my drill and my eyebolts, found the wall studs, and placed the eyebolts. Then, I went out to the van to get the cord we had used to tie the tree to the roof. I can't really tell you what happened next...either my foot slipped or the step stool slipped or something and I went down tangled in my metal two step step stool. Vic offered a hand to help me up and I informed him I was NOT moving yet but he could move the step stool. Vic asked me if I thought I needed to go in (to the ER). After a few minutes, I decided that yes, considering I heard and felt my knee pop on the way down, I probably should go in. I then decided that the best way to do it was via 911/the ambulance. I opted for that because it was already getting late and the kids did not need to be stuck in the ER and because Vic is just recovered from a back injury and I didn't want him sitting in the ER for however long it took. Turns out that the paramedic on duty was a friend (his son is in TKD with Joey) and the other one on duty knows a lot of the people I use to run calls with...so, after he finished the paperwork and I turned down the pain meds (man did it hurt), we traded stories about all the EMTs/paramedics we both knew.

The ER concluded it isn't broken and that, since it didn't puff up immediately, it probably isn't cartiledge damage. Its just a good old fashioned severely sprained knee.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

I love my doc I love my doc I love my doc...

I have the best OB/GYN around. I made a consult appointment for today and told him that the first hematologist had confirmed my shortened ptt and that the second one was running tests to see if she could figure out why. I then said I really wanted a script for Lovenox (low molecular weight heparin...much more stable) before we started trying again. He didn't even blink, said that sounded perfectly reasonable, and wrote me a script on the spot.

Soooooooo, I am nervous, excited, and scared because we will officially start trying again this next cycle (which should start withtin a week).

Another thing I wanted to mention...when I went into the doctors office the sky was completely covered with clouds...the kind that look like they will be there forever...just over an hour later, I came out and the sky was the most beautiful blue...the only clouds you could see were way off on the horizon...makes you stop and think.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Holiday Gift List for Infertiles...

I had to point y'all to the brilliantly funny Infertile Gift Guide posted by Chris over on Barefoot and...

The only downfall is that to truly get it, you either have to be suffering through infertility yourself or have a very close friend who is.

I have also discovered a wonderful book. It is called The Infertility Survival Handbook. I know a lot of the info in it is old hat for many of you bloggers but it is still great to have it all in one location.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Well, I did it...

I finally got rid of a bunch of baby stuff left from when my sons were small. This doesn't mean I've given up on having another baby. I am actually extremely positive about the possibility of having another baby. However, having all those things sitting there and waiting was like a slap in the face every time I looked at them. So, I finally took the swing, the porta crib, the boppy pillow, the exersaucer, and the booster seat and donated them to a local charitable group. I hope they can bring some joy to someone's life.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

A rememberance for my lost angels...

I have been wanting to find a way to remember my lost babies for a while and I finally figured out a way. I have added 7 starbursts around a dragon tattoo I have had for a while. The pink one in front of the dragon is for Eva.

Sunday, October 31, 2004

OMG, OMG, OMG...I found it...

I found an online PUBLISHED article from a known medical journal that shows a STRONG tie between shortened ptt and recurrent miscarriages. A synopsis of the article can be found here but the most important line in the whole synopsis is...

A shortened aPTT before conception is associated with further miscarriages in patients with a history of recurrent spontaneous abortions who have no antiphospholipid antibodies.

I will get a script for the needed meds and I will have my baby eventually!!!

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Asshat comments from good people...

Why? Why do people who love you and want the best for you say some of the stupidest things?

After our loss last November, my mom said "You just get excited too early?" Ummm...'scuse me mom...I know you are just trying to protect me. I know you don't want to see me in pain..but what the hell am I suppose to do? Am I suppose to start a pregnancy thinking this one isn't going to work? When someone wants a baby as much as I do, as much as we do, you can't turn off the hope. You hope and pray that this time its the one. You get excited because you are pregnant again. I don't need someone saying "You get excited too soon" when we suffer through yet another loss. I just need you to say "I am so very sorry."

After the same loss, about two months after, my dad called me and told me he had had a dream about us. And, in that dream, someone told him that if I spent the next 18 months getting into the best shape I possibly could that I would then conceive and birth the little girl I had been dreaming of. I know my dad was trying to reassure me...but I wanted to hang up the fucking phone. That kind of comment makes me feel like all our losses are my fault. Damn it, I know I'm fat...I don't nee my dad tying it to our efforts to get pregnant.

And my sister-in-law, she married a man who is older and has had a vasectomy so children aren't in the picture for them. I can accept that part of her might regret this but don't tell me that there is no reason I should be so desperate to have another child. Don't fricking tell me how I should feel!

What really sucks is that I feel bad about resenting these comments. I feel like I should be able to let them roll off my back. I CAN'T! I love these people dearly. I would never want to be without them. But I wish they would shut the fuck up sometimes.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

The final (Please God) puzzle piece has been found!

Just got a phone call from my OB's office and my second round of bloodwork confirmed the results from the initial testing. My ptt (see previous entry) continues to be low indicating a faster than normal clotting time. My OB is getting me an appointment to consult with a hematologist to find out exactly how we will treat this next time I get pregnant. It feels good to have an answer. I hope this is the last time I need to go searching for an answer about my fertility.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Waiting SUCKS!!!

I am not by nature a patient person but lately it feels like all I am doing is waiting. I've waited to get pregnant...I've waited to see if any of them were sticky pregnancies...I've waited for test results and waited for retests. I have only one major thing to say...WAITING SUCKS! Right now I am waiting for results from my repeat bloodwork. After we lost Eva, I finally had the standard infertility workup done. And, before any of you start ranting about my docs waiting too long, the timing of the tests was my choice. One of the major things they check for in the infertility work up is clotting disorders. Although my overall results were in the normal range, my *ptt came back low. A low ptt result indicates a faster than normal clotting time...and, if the retest confirms this, we could have the final piece of the puzzle of why I've lost so many pregnancies after carrrying two babies successfully.

Puzzle piece number 1 was found after my third consecutive loss (5 loss cummulatively) when I had my serum progesterone level checked on cd 21 (which for me is 7 dpo). My level was only 8.2 which is lower than the 10 that most docs believe you need to carry a pregnancy successfully. I had one more extremely early loss and, once my body was responding to the progesterone suppositories the way it should, we conceived Eva. I had such high hopes for that pregnancy but it was all for naught. My little girl's heart stopped beating somewhere around 9 weeks along and I found out 5 days later. At this point, we decided we wanted all the testing done that could be done. This was when we found puzzle piece number 2. Because I had read an article about contaminated well water causing multiple miscarriages, we decided we should have our well water tested. We had bought our house brand new through my evil ex-BIL and, when I called the Enviromental Health Dept. about retesting our well water, I found out the son of a bith had NEVER tested our water to begin with....arrgh. Testing should our well to be contaminated with bacteria...and we've been in our house for 3 1/2 years. I could have ripped him to shreds with my bare hands when I found out what he had done to us. Our well has since been decontaminated and retested and all is clean. I'm hoping that this retest bloodwork will provide us with the third and final puzzle piece to explain our losses...please dear God let it be the final puzzle piece. I should get the results back in the next few days...and they had better be back by then or I may storm the LabCorp offices to get them.

*ptt = partial thromboplastin time

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Thank you Trooper Gentry...

Thank you for not writing me a ticket. But, more than that, thank you for showing sympathy the other night. I had been at a ladies group I belong to and I had been talking about the losses we have had. Thank you for looking at me when you stopped my car and understanding that the tears you saw were real. Thank you for believing me when I said I had been thinking about my miscarriages and forgot to check my speed.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Infertility Sucks (yeah...I know I'm preaching to the choir...)

After reading all the wonderful blogs out there, I feel like I should have something wonderfully pithy and witty to say...but I don't. All that keeps running through my mind is how much infertility sucks. My battles with infertility have not only robbed me of my babies, its robbed me of so many things. It has robbed me of the innocent joy of pregnancy and I can no longer go into pregnancy with the faith that all will turn out ok. Hell no...each BFP I've gotten has ushered me into a world of stark terror. Infertility has robbed my of the sheer delight I should feel when I find out a friend is pregnant. Yeah...I am happy for them...but there is always that small, dark place in me that is filled with jealousy. I fucking hate that. I'm not sure which is worse...the jealousy or the feeling of shame I get because I am resentful and jealous. I feel like I should be able to be a better person and be able to separate my friends experiences from mine...but I just can't.

But, you know what, as horrible as this whole journey has been, there have been some benefits as well. I have always loved and treasured the two boys I do have but, since suffering through all our losses, I think I treasure the little moments with my boys even more. This journey has also truly shown me what a wonderful group of friends I have. My dear friend Jennifer has sat and cried with me for each baby I have had to say good bye to. My friends Pam and Christa dropped everything, packed up there kids, and came to visit, clean, and keep me company. My friends from the Cross Stitch Board put together a beautiful quilt in memory of all of my angels. And my husband...he has grieved with me over the children we've lost and whole heartedly supports me in my quest for answers so we can have another baby. Without the love and support of all these wonderful people, I don't know where I would be right now.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Testing the waters

I don't really know where to start. My blogdom virginity was broken when I found the writings of the incomparable Grrl...what a way to pop the cherry. My husband and I have been trying to conceive our third child for about 3 years now (I guess I should call it tertiaryinfertility instead...hey!! I said tertiary...not Tertia) It was such a relief to find someone who got what we've been going through. Hell, there's a whole world of bloggers out here who understand infertility and the havoc it wreaks on your life.

Here's my story in a nutshell...my oldest son is 7 1/2 and my youngest will be 4 in November. In between them, we had a miscarriage at about 5 to 6 weeks. Neither of my successful pregnancies were normal but we had still been able to bring home two beautiful boys...who've grown into two wonderful hellions. In 2001, we decided it was time to have a third baby. I was still planted firmly in the fertile universe. I assumed everything would go as planned and we'd bring home another baby...hopefully no more than a year later. Damn, I was disillusioned! 5 losses in 19 months and my feet are now firmly planted in the infertile world. Out of those 5 losses, I have had 3 D&Cs and 2 chemical pregnancies (Gawd I hate that term). One of the D&Cs was only 3 1/2 weeks after I'd seen my sweet baby's heartbeat. In those weeks, my little girl grew big enough that the final u/s showed her arms and legs but, sadly, no beating heart. Her name is Eva and I miss her so much. I hope that just like Eve was the first woman, our Eva will be our first little girl.