"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. " -Helen Keller
Well, I finally finished my crocheted uterus. I used the pattern I mentioned in the original post but I did make one rather major change. I added ovaries and the connective ligament between the ovaries and the uterus.
Now, I just have to decide which worthy NC politician will get this uterus to remind them to keep their laws away from mine.
This campaign season has illustrated an area that many of our congressmen and senators have a gaping deficit in. This deficit is so gigantic, so huge, that they have needed to dabble in it by messing with us. What lack could possibly create such a gaping hole in the lives of these powerful men? Why, it's the lack of a uterus. Yup, I seriously think Santorum and all the congressmen on the Penis Panel need their own uterus to play with because they seem awfully fascinated with ours. Maybe if they each had their own uterus to play with, they would leave ours the hell alone.
Remember me telling you about Beanis and his trip to BlogHer? Well, my willingness to parade around BlogHer with a giant crocheted penis has paid dividends in more than one way. First, I got to meet all kinds of fabulous people thanks to Beanis. Second, I've had the chance to make some money. And, third, I've had the delightful opportunity to embarrass the crap out of my children.
I can feel the jealousy rolling off those of you with kids. I know...how lucky can I get to make a little cash and embarrass my kids at the same time. Yeah, you guessed it. I'm making more Beanises. I got an order in early December for a Beanis. That one went in the mail to the great white North (Canada) right before Christmas. Now, I'm working on my second commissioned Beanis. It's so much fun watching my boys (especially Marty) squirm and beg for it to disappear every time I bring our Beanis to work on him,
Since I know y'all have to be dying to see my last Beanis, here he is in all his glory...the Gay Pride Rainbow Beanis
2011 was a wild, stressful, fabulous, and wonderful year and I'm still trying to figure out how it's over.
I learned that a crocheted penis is one of the greatest ice breakers you can have with you at a conference for women. I heard "Oh My God, is that what I think it is? Can I take a picture?" more times than you can even imagine this past summer. I wonder if a crocheted boob would have the same impact...somehow I doubt it.
I learned I can indulge my crafting habit, make some money and embarrass my oldest son all at the same time. Yes, I've made more Beanises since then and people are actually paying me for them.
I've learned that someone very close to me is suffering from infertility and it makes me angry that I can't just snap my fingers or wiggle my nose and make it all better for her.
I learned that I have both more patience than I ever imagined and, at the same time, far less patience than I imagined. My dear friend Rys and her family shared our house for about 3 1/2 months after their house was totaled by the Hurricane Irene floods. I love them dearly. I would open my house again to them in a heartbeat if they needed it...but, man oh man am I glad to have my space back. Honestly, I don't know how the Sister Wives make it work so seamlessly over such a long time because it is tough having that many people from two families under the same roof.
I had it confirmed that my husband is a truly wonderful man. He didn't even blink when I talked to him about Rys and her family coming here and was truly amazing about having them here. I don't know many men who would willingly open their house for that extended period.
I realized again that my kids rock. Bedroom switches were put on hold, space was given up, and, for the most part, toys and possessions were shared and they welcomed Rys and her family into our house.
I've found out I absolutely adore my Nook. Yup, the Nook hits the top of my list for coolest pesents this year.
I've learned that while the process of filing your eBooks onto shelves or organizing them by genre, author, etc isn't that complicated, it becomes infinitely more complex when you load 330+ files/books at once and have to categorize all of them at once. It took me 3 days, use of my Nook and my computer, and I still have 9 books somewhere on my Nook that have avoided being put on a shelf.
I've learned that many editors do a half-assed no-assed job when it comes to editing books that are put out digitally. When an otherwise good book is interrupted by paragraphs that go from normal width and appearance to a tiny column that is so narrow that only THE or A is short enough to not be hyphenated, someone has NOT done there job.
I also learned that Calibre is a life saver for anyone who owns an eReader. When you've bought a bunch of books for your Kindle app and then you've received a Nook for Christmas, it allows you to change formats so YOUR books can continue to be used on your new eReader.
I've also found that Calibre saves you from the previously mentioned half-assed editing. It's a problem when you have a book named The Story of XYZ and some lazy assed so and so has embeded the file with the name Microsoft word File - T. That really becomes a problem when you have multiple files with that fucked up naming issue because that fucked up Microsoft Word name is what shows up when you unknowingly load the poorly named files onto your ereader. Then you have 10+ books that you can't tell the difference between until you run them through reformatting in Calibre.
I've really learned to love my hair this year and want to know if I should keep it purple when I dye it again or if I should pick another Manic Panic shade.
I've found out my middle son is turning into a huge football fan and a Steelers fan at that. He wants a Polmalu jersey...which is kind of appropriate with the hair Joey has.
I've learned that I still know more about computers than my children and that gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling.
I've learned that my baby sister is a bit of a hard head and have to thank her for the Christmas miracle her hard-headedness brought about.
I've learned that I'm not quite as resigned to never having a fourth child as I thought I was. I was hit with a serious case of baby lust and caught up in a bad case of regrets and what ifs when I found out a friend who was pregnant with her youngest daughter when I was briefly pregnant with Eva just gave birth to her third child, a beautiful little boy. Feeling I thought were long behind me reared their ugly head.
I've learned that once again my husband has fallen on the crappy end of the medical odds and he is already dealing with diabetic neuropathy in his feet. Diabetes fucking SUCKS.
I've learned (or re-learned) that I am truly blessed to be surrounded by a fabulous family and wonderful friends. We have a roof over our heads, food in our fridge, clothes on our backs, and my husband has a steady job with great benefits. I am blessed.
I hope each and every one of you who take the time to stop by and read my blog realize just how important you are to me. While I do write for myself, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't pretty damned great to know there are people out there reading my words and caring about me. Y'all are fabulous. And, to my dear friends, the savvy women I treasure, my blogging and crafting sisters, I truly love each and every one of you. I hope you all had a fabulous Christmas (or whichever holiday you recognize) and I hope 2012 brings you happiness and your heart's desire.
Do y'all remember way back when I showed you the pictures of Beanis? Well, Beanis was made for my dear friend, Becky. The only problem was I kept forgetting to take Beanis to the post office. So, I was thrilled to hear Becky was going to BlogHer too. Problem solved...I could take Beanis to BlogHer with me. So, when I was packing for San Diego, Beanis went into my carry on bag. When we headed to the airport on Thursday morning, I was holding onto a secret wish.I was secretly hoping the TSA agents would search my carry on bags and I would get to look them in the face and say, "Yes sir, yes ma'am, that is a crocheted penis in my backpack." Sadly, my wish was not fulfilled.
Once we got to the conference, Beanis relaxed around the room and took in the sights. Beanis didn't come out to play until we headed for the parties. I was hoping to run into Becky at one of the parties so I just carried Beanis with me. I kind of figured Beanis would get attention but I vastly underestimated just how much attention he would get. I seriously could not walk 5 feet without someone saying, "OMG, is that what I think it is? Can I hold it? Can I touch it? Can I take a picture of it/with it?" I have Beanis to thank for meeting more people and giving away more business cards than ever before.
Beanis came out to play at the People's Party. Sadly, there was only time for a few guest shots but Beanis did get to meet the Hostess with the Mostess, the Bloggess. As I learned last year, she isn't big on crowds so she hangs out in the closest bathroom while the party she hosts is going on. So I took
Beanis to the makeshift bathroom that had been constructed in the ballroom and Beanis met the Bloggess. As you can see, Beanis looked quite content and secure in her loving embrace.
After we left the People's Party, we headed straight over to Queerosphere. The party was already hopping and there were fabulous people and fabulous drag queens everywhere. As Beanis entered the party, someone shrieked, "I've seen pictures of him already!" WTF, Beanis's reputation must be moving at light speed. Beanis got unbelievable action at Queerosphere and it's only fitting since he was a kick ass crocheted penis at a truly amazing party.
Beanis was one tired penis by the end of Queerosphere. He was more than happy to go back to our room and get a good night's sleep.
I was a little jealous that Beanis got to stay in the room and rest while I hit the fabulous sessions on Friday and Beanis was a little pissed off that I wouldn't take him to the Cheap Sally Party at the Stingaree on Friday night. I tried to tell him that he didn't have an invitation but he didn't seem to give a shit. However, Beanis was definitely mollified when we took him to the EdenFantasys party. There are pictures of him there but I haven't gotten a hold of them yet. Sadly, I think Beanis developed a bit of a superiority complex at the EdenFantasys party. He saw how much bigger he was than the dildos we were decorating and there was no living with him after that. After the EdenFantasys party, we headed straight to Sparklecorn. Beanis dressed up for the party...
he had a beer...
and took pictures with a few pretty women...
and then Beanis and the crew headed to our room for bed.
Come back tomorrow for the rest of BlogHer with Beanis and maybe my wrap up too.
I woke up at about 7 am on Thursday. Excitement rushed through me and it felt like I just couldn't sit still. Not only was I going to BlogHer again but I was traveling with two of my YaYas, my best friends, my sisters by choice. I had managed to convince Jennifer and Kristi that BlogHer in San Diego sounded like a wonderful way to spend their vacation. Our trip from NC to San Diego was completely trouble free.
Planes loaded and took off on time. Turbulence was minimal.
Jennifer and Kristi - 2 of my YaYas
And, our flight attendant gave us free cookies. also, despite my camera issues (briefly mentioned in my Back to Reality post), I got some phenomenal photographs out the plane window on the way to San Diego...
We were picked up from the airport by my twitter hook-up. Yes,twitter hook-up. I went trolling for a 4th for our room at BlogHer and found the incomparable Shauna who writes Cooking in the Burbs and can be found on twitter as @cookingnburbs. I couldn't have found a better 4th for our room if I had picked from people I've known forever. Shauna fit in with us perfectly. We got the the Marriott and discovered we had this view from our room...
And, San Diego, oh my God is it ever gorgeous. The weather is fabulous. The sites are amazing. I even got to see a gorgeous hibiscus and I haven't seen a really pretty one since I moved away from Hawaii.
I could live there if I hadn't sworn that I would never, ever move again.
Before we started the full BlogHer experience, our whole group went out to dinner with a friend of mine from college, Dr. Dr. Mike Wilson.
sorry about the sucky picture, my cell phone camera obviously likes taking pictres from planes better than indoor shots
I met Mike during freshmen year at Duke and it's completely his fault I joined the Rescue Squad and became a paramedic. Mike is a truly fabulous friend and it was nice to know that the three of us (me, Kristi, and Jennifer) could still make him blush in about 10 seconds flat.
Jennifer, Dr. Dr. Mike, Kristi, and Me
We laughed, traded stories, caught up with each other, and, I think we were entertaining enough that we didn't bore Shauna to tears. Honestly, with company that fabulous, I would have been happy eating anywhere which made our dinner at The Fish Market a true bonus.
yum, yum The Fish Market's famous Dungeness Crab Cioppino
After dinner, we drove over to Coronado and were lucky enough to watch the fireworks over Sea World from the beach on Coronado. Sadly, it was soon time for us to head back to the hotel so Mike could grab his car and head out...he said something about being on call (ER duty) that night.
When we got back to the Marriott, we ended up parking under the North Tower (a truly serendipitous occurrence since the parties were right upstairs). As we headed for the elevator, we stumbled onto one of the hidden treasures of the Marriott...an unlocked storeroom with a giant wooden clown in it. By that point at night, we were all a little punchy. Weeeellllll, at least us three east coasters were punchy, I'm not sure what Shauna's excuse was. We decided we simply HAD to pose with the clown and trooped on into the storeroom.
While we were laughing and giggling and taking pictures, we got busted by a Marriott employee. Luckily for us, she was in a good mood and just rolled her eyes and laughed at us. It wouldn't have been good for Dr. Dr. Mike's reputation to get in trouble right before he had to be on call for the local ER. Once the clown induced photo session ended, Mike headed back to his car and we headed upstairs to the parties. My only regret about the first part of our evening is that Mike's lovely wife had a previous commitment and couldn't join us for dinner.
Our first day away was capped off by the incomparable People's Party and the truly fabulous Queerosphere. We only had a very short time at the People's Party but we did get to see the Bloggess and I got her picture with my crocheted traveling companion (more about that tomorrow). Once the brief photo shoot with the Bloggess was over, we headed over to the fabulousness that is Queerosphere. Deb Rox did a truly amazing job again this year. The drag queens were over the top fabulous, the entertainment was awesome, the emcee was rocking her heels, and my crocheted one eye wonder had his picture taken about a million times.
The Fabulous Regina Styles emceeing at Queerosphere
Queerosphere has a permanent place on my BlogHer agenda.
Come back tomorrow to read about BlogHer with Beanis: Day 1.
I promised all my crafty readers a little present and it's coming up. I think really hope my yarn loving readers will especially enjoy it.
First off, I want to announce the winner of the EdenFantasys giveaway. The lucky winner is Dora of My Preconceived Notion. Check your email for details on redeeming your gift card.
Do y'all remember when I showed you the little crocheted sperm I made from the pattern I found on Ravelry? Well, that pattern was my inspiration. Back when I was doing the steamy romance novel giveaway, I decided the book needed a special bookmark to go with it. And, it would have to be a really special bookmark to go with a book titled Big Spankable Asses (yes, it really is a romance...erotica without romance is BORING). I decided to make a sperm bookmark. It crochets up super quickly. Here's the pattern and the pictures...
Spermity Sperm Bookmark
Make 2 using worsted weight yarn
Head
Rnd 1: Magic ring, 6 sc in magic ring, join to first sc with sl st (6sts)
Rnd 2: Ch 1, 2 sc in each st, join to first sc with sl st (12sts)
Rnd 3: sc2tog 6 times, join to first st with sl st (6sts)
Do NOT finish off.
Tail
Ch11, turn and sc in 2nd ch from hook (10sts); the tighter you crochet, the more the tail twists. Use the yarn end to close up and finish off the head.
For connecting cord (I used a thinner yarn for this)...leave a long tail of yarn on each end, chain 70, using darning needle, feed tail of long chain through the tip of the sperm tail, weave chain tail back into the chain, repeat at other end.
Honestly y'all, I had plans to be witty and wonderful this week but I kind of feel like I'm struggling to keep my head above water. I am feeling a lot better but it's taken almost a week and my house is in chaos and I have so very much to catch up on. So, I hope you don't mind but I'm going to show off the crafts I told y'all about yesterday.
Spermity Sperm
Spermity Sperm and Beanis the 18+ inch Penis
(BTW, don't you think the sperm looks sort of like a Snork head)
I know I saw that title somewhere recently but I can't remember where to give credit where credit is due...sorry.
Welcome, welcome to all my old friends and to any new ones I may make during ICLW. I'm going to do my very best to have a great week commenting and visiting a bunch of blogs but my best intentions seem to get derailed lately. So, to kick off ICLW, here's a bunch of random stuff (Sorry, my brain is still too addled by germs and the time of night for much else).
I am still sick...boooo hiiiisssssss. I have a lingering cough that I just can NOT shake. What makes this all the more frustrating is that next weekend I am suppose to go camping with Joey and his cub scout den. I really need to be well before then.
I stuck with it and finished The Lake of Dead Languages by Carol Goodman. This was the book I mentioned on Friday that I was having trouble focusing on because by chapter 5 I figured out who the bad guy was and another major plot twist. I am really glad I stuck with it because there was so much more going on in that book than I had realized. It was definitely worth reading and I may have to look up some of the author's other books.
I've been being all crafty and stuff lately. For those of you who hang around a lot, I know I promised you pictures of Sheila's quilt but I've been having camera issues (as in it is still MIA) but she's going to email me some pics so I can share the splendor she is creating. Also, I made a Pi necklace...the one with the beads not the numbers. I'm going to have to make at least two more because my mom wants one and Joey wants one too. Also, do y'all remember my post about the adult themed crochet designs? Well, a dear friend requested a Beanis (the first crocheted item in the post) in the most inappropriate colors I could think of. I just finished her Beanis the 18 inch Penis and it has a bright red head, a blue/red shaft, and balls in varying shades of blue. She says she's going to display it in her china cabinet. And, I am crocheting a fabulous pair of gloves. It kind of sucks that I'll have to wait until next winter to wear them but it gives me time to get the design to work correctly.
I'd also like to ask for continued prayers for the family friend with pancreatic cancer...only, now we are back to not knowing if it's cancer or not. The doctor's at Duke couldn't decide if it was but wanted to start her on chemo and radiation just in case (because pancreatic cancer is such a bitch to treat). Well, that logic didn't sit well with her and she went off to Johns Hopkins for a consult with the two top pancreatic cancer specialist. Well, even they couldn't decide if it was cancer from the scans (and they even called in a whole team of specialists) so she is going up to Johns Hopkins this week to have a biopsy done. Evidently, there are a multitude (I think they said 11) of variations on pancreatic cancer and they all require their own specialized approach to treatment. So, hopefully the biopsy will not only tell them if the two masses on her pancreas are cancerous or not but, if they are, which variation needs to be treated.
On a lighter note, I am hosting a uPrinting giveaway of 100 custom printed postcards. Please enter.
Also, if you like to read, check out the info about my 2011 Book Challenge and, if it sounds interesting, click on the sign up page tab under my header. The more, the merrier.
This venture into Ooooooh My Gawd territory is brought to you courtesy of EdenFantasys where you can
The other day when I was scanning through the multitude of posts on my facebook wall, I happened across a little gem from EdenFantasys. They had a post up about a Crochet Club workshop. This totally snagged my interest because well, two of my favorite things...crafty fun and adult fun. I loved the idea of crocheting a bag to store an adult toy in but, sadly, I didn't make it to the workshop because it was my oldest son's birthday that night. The great thing about seeing this post from EdenFantasys was it got me to explore a part of their website I hadn't visited before...their clubs and workshops. Even though I missed the workshop on making a crochet toy bag, I think I'm going to have to check out the upcoming workshop on making your own massage candles and sugar scrubs.
Of course, after I left the EdenFantasys site, I had to head on over to Ravelry.com and see if they had any cool adult patterns. Here are the ones that tickled my fancy...
The first is to display.
The second is for a drag king to wear.
The designer used the crocheted condom
to hold his crochet hooks...hehehe, a condom for a hooker.
Can't find the link to that boob pattern.
a crocheted dildo
a spermity sperm sperm
this spermity sperm is a cute little condom holder
So, I seem to remember mentioning something about a giveaway. As always, this is for the electronic gift card the lovely people at EdenFantasys give me for writing about their company. I don't need any new toys yet so I'm gonna let one of you go shopping. This is only open to grown ups...under 18 need not apply. So, tell me which one of these lovely little crocheted goodies you think EdenFantasys should host a workshop on next or tell me which one of their workshops you thing sounds most interesting.
