"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. " -Helen Keller

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Have you ever been completely fooled by someone?

I'm not talking about Munchausen by Internet or emotional fraud on the internet. I'm talking about being fooled about what a person is really like in your daily life. I'm sure each one of us has been fooled by people we know casually. I'm also equally sure most of us like to think we are a pretty good judge of people we consider our friends. I know I like to think that. But, I just found out yesterday, for the second time in 2 1/2 years, that I was completely wrong about someone.

About 2 1/2 years ago, I found out that a man both Vic and I knew and considered a friend, got hauled in on spousal abuse charges. It would have been a big enough shock to hear that about anyone I was friends with but hearing it about this individual was a huge shock because I had seen him help someone escape from an abusive relationship by providing the financial resources she needed to do so. I had also seen the disdain this individual had for abusers whenever we encountered an abuse situation while running calls for the rescue squad. It totally blew my mind that he would ever lay a hand on his wife let alone that he did it regualarly.

Then, yesterday I found out someone both Vic and I were extremely close to, someone we broke bread with and considered a family member, had not only resorted to cheating on and then leaving his wife and kids but he also had spent their last few years together emotionally abusing her. And, after he left them, he didn't pay and support payments until the courts threatened to have him thrown into jail. I am simply stunned that I was so very wrong about him.

I guess if I've only been that wrong about 2 people in my life over the almost 40 years I've been around, those aren't bad odds. But, I am still very shaken by this latest revelation. I am so glad I am happily married and have been for almsot 15 years or my faith in marriage might be rocked too.

Have you ever been completely wrong about someone? And, if you were, how did you handle it?

16 comments:

Sheliza said...

I have in little ways but not anything like what you encountered. I have just really learned over the years that "you never know" with ANYONE. It's okay that you had these people all worng, it happens to everyone I think.

Cara said...

Yes - to a degree. But I think I was more self-fooled because they really only let-me-down based on the expectations I put out for them...

There's that word again. Think I have a little work to do around it?

Another Dreamer said...

I think that two people in all that time is good.

I've been burned one too many times, I am leary to trust that I truly know anyone these days.

Barefoot said...

I've been wrong about people a couple of times -- once someone in my family, which was particularly sucky. I'm so sorry you're going through this -- it really hurts when you open yourself and your home up to someone, and they end up being the type of person you would never open anything for!

becomingwhole said...

My soon-to-be ex is clergy...yeah (my non-physical scars run deep). If I were open with everyone, instead of just "gone" (and very few people have tried to contact me), I'm sure they would either feel as you do, or not believe me.

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL said...

Oooh. Nothing as major as you've experienced. Like Cara, I tend to feel let down due to my own expectations.

Sorry you had to experience this.

Jen said...

you know my answer, I feel your pain.((hugs))

Parenthood For Me said...

I have been disappointed in someone I know rather well. But, I have not experienced someone I know well being a fraud or hipocrit. But, the people that end up fooling us with their personality are good at it for a reason. They have probably been covering up their behavior their entire lives. It is sad really.

The Steadfast Warrior said...

I've been blinded to a person's true personality. It took a littlw while and some growing up to see how manipulative and toxic a "friend" really was. I cut her out of my life after a bad episode that put me over the edge and I never spoke to her again.

I know you're in shock but I truly think we all want to believe the best about everyone and that means a few people here and there will show us wrong.

But I still believe people are generally good.

GeekByMarriage said...

Yeah I was blindsided by my abusive ex. Seemed like a great stand up guy. It didn't take long after the wedding for his true colors or my face to bleed through.

Bean said...

someone we know is in jail now for unspeakable crimes and we would have NEVER imagined he would have been "that type" and still can't, really. it's been 8 or something years now and we're still shocked, and as far as we're concerned he's dead. people are just fucked up. you never truly understand anyone but yourself and if you're lucky, your soulmate.

Bean said...

and shit, remember that munchausen crazyass from PP that took advantage of me? she's in jail right now for an unrelated offense, serves her right.

Meari said...

Yes, I have. I was friends with a guy for a year, and then dated for a year. Toward the end of that year, things started getting "weird", "ugly", call it what you want... He was like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. I could never figure out why when he saw me on the weekends, he was so totally different than during the week when we only talked on the phone. Turns out he had an alcohol problem. Lost his house, his job, everything. I went into rehab 3 times (at least) and left after a day saying he "didn't belong there with THOSE people". For my own sanity, I had to leave that situation because he became emotionally abusive, and wasn't taking responsibility for his drinking problem.

Lioness said...

Usually I have scarily good antennae but they don't always vibrate. When they don't, it sometimes leads to spectacular heartbreak. God, I'm so sorry, it must have shocked you to the core, those are truly horrifying stories!

MrsSpock said...

I am very rarely wrong, so I was shocked when my husband's best friend, the best man at our wedding, and whose wife was a close friend, cheated on her for 6 months with a mutual friend, a woman who would have dinner at their house with her husband. I never thought that their marriage was in trouble, though I know he was having work issues. Everyone, including his own wife, was shocked when he left her and refused counseling. And now, 2 years later, he has been calling me and stopping by, bawling his eyes out because he lost everything, including his own son, over his stupidness.

~Tammy said...

Absolutely and I am in the process of divorcing his cheating, non-child-support paying ass.