Reflections

November 11, 2002

February 12, 2003

April 15, 2003

November 24, 2003

June 17, 2004

January 13, 2005

What do these dates share in common? *These dates represent our journey through infertility. Each of these dates represent a day my heart broke into a million pieces...a day we lost one of our precious babies. These dates represent growth and opportunity. These dates represent a blessing.

I'm sure any of you who have been through infertility or are currently fighting your way through it can understand how these dates represent heartbreak. I am equally sure their are many of you who are wondering how in the hell a miscarriage can be a blessing. Give me a few moments and I'll explain it to you.

After one of my losses (4/15/03), two of the most wonderful women I know, Christa and Pam, dropped everything in their life, packed up their cars and their kids (2 each), and traveled many hours to take care of me. We spent a wonderful week laughing , crying, and loving. Pam even brought her massage table and treated us each to a massage. Without those losses, I would still have those friends but I might never have known the depth of their love for me (and mine for them) or just how important they both are to me.

After each BFP, my sister by choice, Jennifer, celebrated with me and, after each loss, she held me while I cried. She is my sister and friend, now and forever.

Every one of those losses showed me the strength of my marriage and demonstrated what a wonderful man I am married to. It would be all to easy to let the grief consume you but, instead of it consuming either one of us, it gave us the opportunity to be the pillar of strength when the other needed it most. I love you sweetie and, although the road sucked, I couldn't have traveled it with a better person.

After each of those losses, I appreciated every moment of every day with Marty and Joey a bit more. That doesn't mean there weren't moments when they drove me insane. I wouldn't be human if that didn't happen but it made the laughs and the games that much sweeter.

Without each of those losses, I wouldn't have Gabriel. I love that little boy with all my heart. He is smart, funny, and cute as a button. He drives me insane and makes me laugh everyday. Without those losses I wouldn't have had that little boy snuggling in my lap this morning. I wouldn't have the joy of singing with him or watching him play with his brothers. I am so blessed because I can't imagine life without him.

Without those losses I wouldn't have had the opportunity to connect with the **many wonderful women in the Infertility Blogosphere...women like Cara who turned the loss of her beloved Emma Grace into a an effort to help others through devastating losses...women like Monnie who has been through so very much in her life and she has overcome it all to have a truly fabulous life. I've learned so much from her...women like Cecily who kicks ass (in a very positice way), she smart, funny, and just plain fabulous...women like Bean who ROCKS, we don't get to talk as often as I'd like but she's been my friend for about 7 years and I love her...women like Mel aka Lollipop Goldstein who from this moment forward has been awarded the title of Goddess of the Infertility Blogosphere. Mel does so much for the people in the infertility blogosphere. She organizes charities to help pay for treatment, maintains a searchable blog roll, organizes IComLeavWe, and still finds time to be a wife, mother, and entertainer (her blog definitely entertains me).

So, yes, infertility has been heartbreaking but it has also been one of the biggest blessings of my life. Thank you for traveling this road with me.

* Those are the dates of only 6 of our losses. The other two were long before I got sucked into the world of infertility.

** These are only a small number of the fabulous women I've met. I tried to select a cross section of the women I know. Please, please don't be hurt if you aren't listed here. This post would go on for pages and pages if I listed all the women and all the blogs I love.