"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. " -Helen Keller

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Reflections

November 11, 2002

February 12, 2003

April 15, 2003

November 24, 2003

June 17, 2004

January 13, 2005

What do these dates share in common? *These dates represent our journey through infertility. Each of these dates represent a day my heart broke into a million pieces...a day we lost one of our precious babies. These dates represent growth and opportunity. These dates represent a blessing.

I'm sure any of you who have been through infertility or are currently fighting your way through it can understand how these dates represent heartbreak. I am equally sure their are many of you who are wondering how in the hell a miscarriage can be a blessing. Give me a few moments and I'll explain it to you.

After one of my losses (4/15/03), two of the most wonderful women I know, Christa and Pam, dropped everything in their life, packed up their cars and their kids (2 each), and traveled many hours to take care of me. We spent a wonderful week laughing , crying, and loving. Pam even brought her massage table and treated us each to a massage. Without those losses, I would still have those friends but I might never have known the depth of their love for me (and mine for them) or just how important they both are to me.

After each BFP, my sister by choice, Jennifer, celebrated with me and, after each loss, she held me while I cried. She is my sister and friend, now and forever.

Every one of those losses showed me the strength of my marriage and demonstrated what a wonderful man I am married to. It would be all to easy to let the grief consume you but, instead of it consuming either one of us, it gave us the opportunity to be the pillar of strength when the other needed it most. I love you sweetie and, although the road sucked, I couldn't have traveled it with a better person.

After each of those losses, I appreciated every moment of every day with Marty and Joey a bit more. That doesn't mean there weren't moments when they drove me insane. I wouldn't be human if that didn't happen but it made the laughs and the games that much sweeter.

Without each of those losses, I wouldn't have Gabriel. I love that little boy with all my heart. He is smart, funny, and cute as a button. He drives me insane and makes me laugh everyday. Without those losses I wouldn't have had that little boy snuggling in my lap this morning. I wouldn't have the joy of singing with him or watching him play with his brothers. I am so blessed because I can't imagine life without him.

Without those losses I wouldn't have had the opportunity to connect with the **many wonderful women in the Infertility Blogosphere...women like Cara who turned the loss of her beloved Emma Grace into a an effort to help others through devastating losses...women like Monnie who has been through so very much in her life and she has overcome it all to have a truly fabulous life. I've learned so much from her...women like Cecily who kicks ass (in a very positice way), she smart, funny, and just plain fabulous...women like Bean who ROCKS, we don't get to talk as often as I'd like but she's been my friend for about 7 years and I love her...women like Mel aka Lollipop Goldstein who from this moment forward has been awarded the title of Goddess of the Infertility Blogosphere. Mel does so much for the people in the infertility blogosphere. She organizes charities to help pay for treatment, maintains a searchable blog roll, organizes IComLeavWe, and still finds time to be a wife, mother, and entertainer (her blog definitely entertains me).

So, yes, infertility has been heartbreaking but it has also been one of the biggest blessings of my life. Thank you for traveling this road with me.

* Those are the dates of only 6 of our losses. The other two were long before I got sucked into the world of infertility.

** These are only a small number of the fabulous women I've met. I tried to select a cross section of the women I know. Please, please don't be hurt if you aren't listed here. This post would go on for pages and pages if I listed all the women and all the blogs I love.

30 comments:

Cecily said...

Aw,thanks. I know I couldn't have survived IF without the blogosphere. For sure.

Meari said...

Thanks for sharing your loss... I've been through IVF twice and it's not an easy thing to deal with.

Velda said...

(((Hugs))) they will never be forgotten, by your family or many others. We share your grief

Dora said...

Lovely post. Big hug!

Andrea said...

I really enjoyed reading your post. Thanks for sharing. I just posted something similar on my blog with all the things infertility has taught me. Although I wouldn't wish IF on anyone, I have learned a lot from it. I just hope I have a child to show for it one day. So sorry for all of your losses and pain. Your boys sound precious!

ICLW.

Caba said...

Well said. This community has been amazing wonderful, and such a great find.

I'm so sorry for all the losses you have experienced. But I think it's wonderful that you are able to find a silver lining to the things you have been through.

ICLW

Just Me. said...

I'm so sorry for your losses. I am sure they'll always remain loved and locked in your heart.

And yes, I couldn't have survived without my bloggy friends too.

((((hugs)))

Jenn said...

I'm sorry for your losses. (ICLW)

theworms said...

I'm so sorry for your losses (HUG).

IF has brought so many wonderful women into my life and they have each taught me lessons to help me through my journey, thank you for being so honest and open.

ICLW

Donielle said...

What a beautiful post, you brought tears to my eyes. How awesome is it that you've been able to grow so much through the years? :-)

Here from ICLW
www.NaturallyKnockedUp.com

Sassy said...

The blogosphere really makes the hardest times so much more liveable. I think it's such a pity that we have to go through such painful trauma to find the real love that exists in the world.

Carolyn said...

(((Hugs))) Kristin and thank you for sharing your story.

~Jess said...

I absolutely agree. As much as all of this IF stuff sucks, we wouldn't know the things we do and how blessed we are in other aspects of our lives.

ICLW

Kate said...

I really like what you said about opportunity for growth. Here from ICLW.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I am so incredibly sorry for all of your losses. Though I have to marvel at this beautiful phrase: sister by choice. I absolutely love that. And I'm honoured to have been mentioned at all.

MrsSpock said...

How rotten to have to endure so many losses, but how wonderful that you are surrounded by people, in real life and virtually, who are willing to drop everything and support you.

Ginny said...

This is really a great post. I find it wonderful that you look for blessings in this. It is the only way to make it through life. I am so sorry for your losses, I can't even imagine. You are very lucky though to have such an amazing husband and friends!

Teal Marie Chimblo said...

What a beautiful post. I am so sorry for your losses, and admire your strength.ICLW

Thank you for stopping by my blogs and leaving such heart felt comments.

http://blissfulbodyyoga.blogspot.com

KandiB said...

Such a nice way to acknowledge all of the people who DO support us through this ongoing challenge. Thanks for sharing all of your joy, sorrow, and everything in between. iclw

Kymberli said...

This blogosphere is simply amazing with the amount of love, support, and outreach that spills forth from my friends inside the computer. No one wants to be her, but it makes the steps of the journey at least a little more manageable knowing you have your friends at your side. Or at your fingertips. *wink*

ICLW

Pam Ringo said...

I love you, Kristin. You and Christa have always been there for me... no matter what time of day or night. You can't find friends like that just by chance. God put the three of us in that wild group of women for a reason. ;)

Kiss the boys for me. I love you!

Jendeis said...

What a lovely post. I feel the same way about all of the goddesses in our IF blogosphere.

Delenn said...

Eloquent post.

Lori said...

You're right. This community is the silver lining in the IF hell-cloud.

Very nice to know you, Kristin.

Delenn said...

Coming from the Creme. It is wonderful what friends are found through pain. What a wonderful community IF has--and you are one of them too!

Patricia said...

Via la Creme...

I'm so very sorry for your losses. Your ability to find a shining moment in all of this pain is a tribute to your strength. It seems pretty clear, even though I just found your blog, that you provide that strength to a lot of other people.

Sometimes I wonder what I'd do if I had to go through all this alone, without the blogworld. The women I've met here have truly held me up.

A n T said...

Here from the Creme: Great post. And you are right each IF struggle we go through teaches us something. Its up to us how we accept the training, we can embrace it or hate it.

JuliaS said...

You are one of the few women I know with stats similar to mine. Not that this is such a great lifeboat to be in - but it does help at times to have some good company. I'm glad that you have been able to find some solace along the way, as I know recurrent loss can be a very lonely and isolating place to be.

My best wishes to you. I always enjoy your visits now and then and seeing your beautiful smiling face.

Creme de la Creme 2008

Fashionably Infertile said...

Here via Creme....this post just gave me the strength I need right now to continue going. Thank you for sharing your struggles.

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