"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. " -Helen Keller

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Blogs I love...

My dear friend Margaret surprised me with this award...



The rules of the award are:

1. The winner can put the logo on her/his blog.
2. Link the person you received your award from.
3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs.
4. Put links of those blogs on yours.
5. Leave a message on the blogs of those you’ve nominated.

Here are the terrific bloggers I give this award to:

1. Monnie
2. Carolyn
3. Rebel
4. Henny
5. Cecily
6. Mel
7. Tanyetta at both her blogs

Saturday, August 23, 2008

How do I feel?!?!?!?

I am nervous, happy, scared, excited, and about 1000 other feelings I can't quite put words to. I have found a new OB/GYN office and we are officially getting ready to try for our last child. After getting all the ridiculous paperwork filled out, I was called back. All the nurses I met seemed really nice. No one came across as short tempered or bitchy. I really liked the nurse who worked directly with Dr. BB. Its a shame he is exclusively a GYN and I won't get to have her as my nurse if I manage to get pregnant again.

Dr. BB spent about 10 to 15 minutes talking about my past history with me and then gave me a general overview of the approach the docs at this office would like to take. He agreed that the course of action (progesterone and lovenox) would likely remain unchanged. However, he said since I am a new patient in their practice, they would get me a referral to a perinatalogist that they work with and that doc would review my records and sign off on the course of action. Then, Dr. BB made me laugh...not an oh my God thats funny laugh but a laugh of irony. He said, " If you are going to schedule a pregnancy, its better to go ahead and get the referal now. That way we won't be scrambling to make sure you have what you need." I let out a sharp bark of laughter and he gave me a look. I told him that the thought of "scheduling" a pregnancy after everything I've been through was to ridiculous to be believed. Luckily, he seemed to realize that he had just placed his foot firmly in his mouth and said, "All I meant is that since you are planning on trying instead of just letting things happen, we should go ahead and schedule your referal." I'm glad he realized how ridiculous it was to speak of scheduling a pregnancy to someone who has been through all the losses I've been through.

I think this office will be a good fit for me. I don't feel as comfortable there as I did at my old OB's office but I had 7+ years at the old office so I don't expect to immediately feel as at home in the new office. *Sigh* its just a shame that my old office is almost an hour and a half away.

So...to recap, new office, mirena iud out, referral being scheduled...guess now we just have to wait and see where things go from here.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The coining of a word...

For those of you who aren't married, I need to remind you that men find it funny to blame their flatulence on others...preferably children or four legged creatures who can't deny the passing of said gas. While you are dating or newly ensconced in a household together, men try to behave like civilized creatures. That all goes out the window when you've been married long enough to have a child or two.

Now, to set the scene...picture a bedroom (door closed) with a man stretched out on the bed and the woman exiting the bathroom after brushing her teeth before bed....

From the direction of the man...BRRRRRAAAAPPPPP...followed by a horrendous cloud of gas
Wife: Damn honey...that really stinks.
Hubby (in best Tim Taylor/Home Improvement voice):Uh...wasn't me?!?
Wife: Then who was it?
Hubby: It was Joely (our dog).
Wife: Um, dear, the door is closed and she isn't in here.
Hubby (still using Tim Taylor/Home Improvement voice): Oooh, I meant Joey. His butt was sticking out from under the covers and he let one rip. The fart wafted across the room, down to the floor and under our door.
Wife: The we would have only smelled it and not heard it.
Hubby (still using Tim Taylor/Home Improvement voice): Didn't you know he was *fartriloquist (blend of fart and ventriloquist)?
Wife: Bwahahahahahaha...I can NOT believe you said that!

And with that, a new word enters our lexicon!


*fartriloquist - noun - a person who performs or is skilled in fartriloquism. (coined by Vic Cruz on 8/18/08)

fartiloquism - noun - the art or practice of farting in such a manner that the sound of the fart does not appear to come from the farter but from another source.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Barren Bitches Book Brigade Tour #14: Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

The current book being reviewed by the Barren Bitches Book Brigade is not one that inspires a neutral response. People tend to either really love Eat, Pray, Love or they really hate it. I fall into the "Love It" category. I really learned a lot about myself from this book. Among other things, Ms. Gilbert really got me to contemplate how I pray and what I pray for.

At the start of the book, the author states that she will not go into the details of her divorce. Could you accept this and move on to the rest of the book, or did this lack of explanation influence your opinion of the entire book?
Initially, I thought it would bother me to not know the details of her divorce since that was so obviously the start of this spiritual journey. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was better not to know about the divorce. If I had known the details, it would have influenced my opinion of her and, therefore, my opinion of the journey. Once I realized that, the nagging questions about why she divorced faded into the background.

Do you believe in reincarnation and that a soul chooses its lessons before each lifetime? Or do you believe it's all just random challenge? Do you believe you are doing a good job dealing with the cards you've been dealt? What do you think your challenges are trying to teach you about the big picture that other people might miss ...that you might have missed if your life didn't take these turns?
I do not believe everyone is reincarnated but I DO BELIEVE some people are reincarnated. I do believe that certain unresolved issues can cause a soul to return. I know one couple where the husband is fairly certain his soul has been here before. His wife teases him and says he kept coming back because he hadn’t found his soul mate… and that now that he has found her, he won’t have to keep coming back.

I think I am dealing fairly well with the curves life has thrown at me. I have clung to my faith and come out of my battle with secondary infertility even stronger than I went it. I by no means think I am doing a perfect job of learning the lessons God and life are trying to teach me but I am trying. My battles with SIF and the financial trials we have suffered through because of my husband’s career ending injury have taught me patience. They’ve taught me to be frugal (although I still dream big). They’ve taught me that my husband and I can face anything, can deal with anything as long as we stick together. They’ve taught me that I can plan all I want but sometimes God has a different agenda. I might not have learned those lessons had we not dealt with those trials.

In Elizabeth's journey, she meets several characters ... Richard (who calls her 'Groceries') and Ketut and Italy itself ... who see her 'from outside of the frame,' who offer her valuable, catalytic perspective and they help her to penetrate her misery. Who are the characters in your own life that have performed/perform this role for you? What have they helped you to understand? ... Sometimes perspective can come from a book, rather than a person IRL ... so if it was a book that gave you this gift, which one(s)?
Interestingly enough, the person “who offer [me a] valuable, catalytic perspective and help[ed me] to penetrate [my] misery dealing with our multiple miscarriages was someone I haven’t met. In fact, I don’t even know her name. The incomparable Getupgrrl of Chez Miscarriage was the first one that showed me that we could use humor to mitigate the pain of our losses. Grrl was my introduction to ALI (adoption, loss, infertility) blogging and I am forever thankful for that. I hope Grrl is enjoying every minute of every day with her son but I hope the message of how much we miss her reaches her.

Elizabeth Gilbert writes that "when you're lost in the woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize you are lost. For the longest time you can convince yourself that you've just wandered a few feet off the path...then night falls again and again and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore." Have you had a similar experience and if so, when did you come to realize you were lost and how did you find your way back?
I really do feel I went through a similar experience. I tend to be a glass half full kind of person. I know I have been blessed and am thankful for all I have. But, with each miscarriage, I found myself more and more depressed. Things I normally would have been excited about seemed more of an annoyance. After the loss of our Eva, I felt like I was being sucked down into a deep dark hole. I really felt like I would never escape from it. You know its bad when your parents offer to take you and your kids to Florida and Disney World and all you think of is what a hassle its going to be. That was the moment I finally realized I needed some help. My wonderful OB prescribed Lexapro for me and it was enough to help me shake off the depression. I was only on it a short time but it made a world of difference for me.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at Stirrup Queens . You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Baby Trail by Sinead Moriarty (with author participation).

Saturday, August 16, 2008

SHOW AND TELL: National Stitch in Public Day


Show and Tell


September 3rd is National Stitch In Public Day. The Embroidery Guild of America's web site says "EGA invites stitchers of all ages and skill levels to join in a day of community crafting that will celebrate the traditions and trends of needlework, right right where they are. There's no cost - just an effort to encourage community among stitchers. Embroiders, quilters, knitters and who will shine a light on their crafts Sept. 3 by stitching together in public spaces such as coffee shops, parks, malls – anywhere they can be seen. Let EGA Headquarters know about your event so photos, stories and updates can be shared online. Contact Brad at bcape@egausa.org if your chapter or group of stitchers wants to organize an event. Call (502) 589-6956."

I plan on participating and I'm going to work on the Papillon Creations freebie "How Does Your Garden Grow". This freebie is being released monthly through their newsletter and (eek) I'm about 3 months behind.



Do you stitch? Are you going to participate?

My father-in-law does have cancer.

The biopsy came back positive. For some reason, they aren't clear on the type although it is located in the liver. There is one large-ish mass that does not appear to have spread at all. It is not in an area that interferes with the blood flow to the liver which is good. His surgery is scheduled for August 25th (its also the first day of school). They are hoping they can just take a wedge shaped piece of the liver and get all the tumor. If that is the scenario that happens, they estimate they will only have to take 20% of the liver. If the tumor has infiltrated further than they think and a wedge will not take care of removal, the amount of liver they have to take could approach 60%. My FIL is a big man (not fat, just big) and the docs worry that 40% may not be enough to handle body functions if they end up having to take the more radical approach to the surgery. His doctors are very positive abouta good outcome but, of course, can not guarantee anything.

Please pray for him...that the surgery goes well, that they can take care of the tumor and only remove a minimal amount of the liver, and that he recovers fully. He is a wonderful manand I want him around for a long time to come.

Friday, August 15, 2008

My next big crafty thing...a Bat Mitzvah present...

A dear friend of mine in Florida will be holding her daughter's Bat Mitzvah next month. A group of 10 of us joined together to help create this special gift for her daughter. I get the honor of assembling the quilt for this lovely young lady.

Here are the cross stitch squares that are going into the quilt...













And here is the first of the 12 motifs assembled...



I need to complete this in the next two weeks. All the squares are cut out. All the squares made from 2 triangles are sewn together. Do you think I can get it done?

Thursday, August 14, 2008

My children are soooooo weird.

My seven year old is sitting here BURPING the Wonder Pets song. Only with boys.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Now comes the part I dread...

My hubby and I have really talked and we've decided we would like to try for one more baby. Vic would have been perfectly happy to just stick with the 3 we have but he understands that I truly feel there is suppose to be a 4th baby. Sooo, the game is afoot.

The next step is the part I dread the most. I have to find a new OB/GYN. That's right, I have lived here for over 2 yrs and still don't have a local doc. No, I didn't go that long without an exam. I just drove all the way back to Burlington and had my yearly exam at my old OB's office so I didn't have to go through trying to figure out which doc/office would be best. I think I was also avoiding having to explain my whole history to a new doctor. UGH...I could really do without that.

See, its not that doctors intimidate me. Just the contrary, I have no fear in advocating my course of treatment with a doctor (and I believe that's why we have Gabe). Its just that my last OB and his office staff were so wonderful that I fear I will be dissatisfied with whatever doc I pick. My old OB had actually been through infertility treatment with his wife so he had a clue what it was like. I didn't have to fight him for testing. I didn't have to fight him to get the prescriptions I needed. In fact, once we decided on a course of action, I left the office with the prescriptions for both progesterone and lovenox to be filled at the appropriate time. I want...no I expect the same treatment this time around and I am worried it may be hard to find.

I've got a list of 6 offices locally that my insurance covers. One office got eliminated before I even talked to them because ALL the reviews I found for them were horrible. There is one office I am leaning towards. I hope they are as good as their info indicates. It would be nice to get it right immediately.

Wish me luck.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

My crazy life...

Life is never ever calm and quiet in my household. We have 3 boys, 2 dogs, 2 cats, and three fish...and none of them are quiet (except the fish). Anyone who has visited me or knows me can tell you I keep a close eye on my kids. Despite this, in less than 2 weeks, Gabe has almost broken my glasses, learned to climb the ladder to Marty's loft bed, opened a motrin bottle and attempted to eat one, stolen my flour container while I was cooking dinner and hid it, sprayed himself in the eyes with bug spray resulting in me having to forcibly flush out his eyes, and climbed onto a dresser 6 times. Joey has taught himself to spider walk after watching Ninja Warriors.

The cat thinks he needs to attack the fishing pole.


And yet, I seem to think I need to add more to my life. Yeah, I want to add a baby to all this craziness. I think I must be certifiable because I love my life.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Memory Tag...

Margaret has this over on her blog...what fun!

So who reads my blog (even all you lurkers)?

1. As a comment on this post, leave one memory that you and I have together. It doesn't matter if you know me a little or a lot, post anything you remember! And, if you've never met me in real life, you can leave a comment about your favorite post I wrote and why it was your favorite.

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. Its a lot of fun to see the responses you get. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

A funny story...

The author of a blog I read asked for funny stories...I thought I'd share the story I posted there with y'all too.

Whenever my kids are being wild or loud or just way out there, I blame my husband's Y chromosome. Yesterday, my 11 yr old and 2 yr old were in rare form. When I commented on it, my 11 yr old looked at me and said, "I have your husband's DNA. If you wanted calm, quiet, compliant children, you should have done a better job picking." I think it was at least 5 minutes before I stopped laughing.

Can someone explain to me...

exactly what "2007 fertile school crafts" are? This is one of the latest google searches that found my blog. Its just bizarre enough that my mind it going places it really shouldn't. Anyone have a really good explanation as to what the thought process behind this search is?

SHOW AND TELL: Presents from friends and a present for a friend


Show and Tell


Yesterday, one of my blogging friends was thanking her friends for supporting her through a hard time. I told her, "You are very welcome. My "computer friends" have gotten me through so many hard times. Supporting you was the least I could do." When I used the term "computer friends", I am simply referring to all my wonderful friends that I've met through the boards I post to or the blogs I visit. Many of you I have never met in person but that doesn't make you any less of a friend. Two of my friends on my cross stitch board recently surprised me with gifts just because they wanted to. I wanted to say thank you to Dee and Carolyn. The love and support of friends during good times is as valuable as their love and support during bad times. Carolyn sent me a wonderful dragon (the green one)...


and Dee sent me a few cross stitch patterns off my wish list. I am so lucky to have friends like that.

The ladies on the cross stitch board also recently completed a gift for one of our members. This is the big project I referred to in my last post. 40 people from all over the world stitched squares of love and friendship for our dear friend Henny who recently lost her husband. I had the privilege and honor of assembling all the squares into a quilt. Click on the picture of the quilt to see close ups of the squares and a larger pic of the quilt itself.


Have you done anything special for anyone recently? Has anyone recently surprised you with unexpected support, a present, or something you really needed? Pay it forward!

Friday, August 08, 2008

Crafty Me...

I haven't posted anything about all my crafty projects in a long time. Here are some of the projects I have been working on recently...

Biscornu (think 8 sided pin cushion)


Victorian house I designed and stitched for Kathye's round robin...


Director's chair I designed and stitched for a friend...


My Welcome round robin designed using the Dragon Dreams alphabet...



A friendship piece I designed for one of my best friends in the world...


The band I designed for Stef's band sampler...


and, my ornie (from a design on Angelic Stitches), stitched over one, for our Christmas in July exchange...


I have one more BIG project completed recently but I can't post the pics yet because the recipient hasn't received it yet.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

How cool is this?



This map shows where the last 100 unique visitors to my blog have come from.

I LOVE IT!

Happy Birthday to my wonderful husband Vic...

We've been together for 16 years and married for almost 14 and I love him more today than I did back then. He is kind, thoughtful, and a gentle bear of a man (even though he always reminds me that bears have claws...LOL). We have been to hell and back together. Life has thrown more at us than anyone should have to go through. But, we relied on each other and our faith and came through it all stronger, better, and ultimately even happier. My husband is a wonderful man, a fabulous father, and one of the hardest working men I know.

I am so truly proud of this man I married and want everyone to know just how blessed I am.

I love you sweetie and I hope we have many, many more years together (50 more would be good).

Yay, yay, yay...REALLY GOOD NEWS...

My friend Rebel from Diary of an Infertile Madwoman got good news. She is cancer free! She instead had a complex hyperplasia without atypia. This is an endometrial problem and is pretty common in women with PCOS.

Thank you so much for the prayers you extended her. Y'all are great.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

BlogHer and the Adoption, Loss, and Infertility Panel...

BlogHer is a site and a conference that celebrates women bloggers. They had panels on everything from publishing a book from your blog to alternative parenting to crafts to Adoption, Loss, and Infertility. I know many of my friends have never dealt with infertility and I know some have. For those of you who want to know more about how infertility affects people, go by Mel's site Stirrup Queens. She has posted the video of the Adoption, Loss, and Infertility Panel. This panel features some fabulous women and the people in the audience are just as incredible. Its a long video (about an hour) but it is well worth watching.

Monday, August 04, 2008

Good news and bad news about my Father-In-Law

The good news is that his pancreas is fine. That is really, really good news because pancreatic cancer is terrible.

The bad news is that there is cancer. My FIL has a history of his internal organs not always being located exactly where you expect them to be. His liver is located partially behind his pancreas and the spots that appeared to be on the pancreas were actually located on the liver. The liver has multiple lesions. The good news about this is that the lesions are NO WHERE ELSE. They are going to be aggressive and hopefully stop the cancer in its tracks. They are planning on taking half the liver out. This isn't that bad because the liver does tend to regenerate. Hopefully, once that part of the liver is removed there won't be any reaccurance of the cancer.

Please keep him in your prayers.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

One of the great authors of our day has died...

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn has died of heart failure. You wouldn't think reading about the horrors of the Soviet gulag system would be enjoyable but his writing was incredible. I read One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich when I was in high school and I still remember it well. Godspeed Mr. Solzhenitzyn. Your talent will be missed.

Malwebolence: The World of Web Trolling...

This is a fascinating article on the New York Times web site. It talks all about trolls, what they do, their fluid morality, and the affect it can have on us. You will have to register to read it but registering is free. Do yourself a favor and go read The Trolls Among Us.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Prayers needed...

My friend, Rebel, over at Diary of an Infertile Madwoman needs your prayers. She got some potentially scary news today.

Please send her your love and prayers.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

I thought I was done blogging today but...

I was checking my stat counter and I had to come back here. The stat counter I use also tracks any search engine searches that find my blog. Most of the time, the searches that find my blog are nothing surprising. They are searches related to infertility or maybe kids. This time however, the search engine hits made me laugh out loud and disturbed me. This is what I saw...


Num Perc.Search Term

111.11%what can i take to make me fertile

111.11%but i can't turn around i've been gone to long

111.11%give me some g*d damn infertile animals

111.11%depression caused by infertility

111.11%fertile belly pics

111.11%teenahe boys underwear

111.11%4 chemical pregnancies

111.11%the pfc. lavena johnson petition

111.11%the investigation of pfc. lavena's johnson death

9 100.00%

The third one down, "give me some g*d damn infertile animals", makes me laugh. Its truly bizarre on so many levels. First, why would anyone want infertile animals. Second, why, oh why would a search for infertile animals find my blog.

The one that really disturbs me is the 6th one. At least I can take solace from the fact that anyone warped enough to search for teenage boys *nderwear was sorely disappointed when they clicked on my blog. All they found were pictures of my fully clothed kids with their underwear on their heads.

Have any of you had your blog found through really odd searches?

Friends and surprises...

This has been a really cool week. Only one week ago, I met a long time friend from the Cross Stitch Crazy board.
Mary is such a neat lady. Her daughter and hubby were with her too. They were so gracious and I'm so glad I got a chance to meet them. Hopefully, they weren't too overwhelmed by the three ring circus that is my home.

I also got to mail a surprise out to a friend. I was honored to be involved in this group project and can't wait for the recipient to get her surprise. Then, I can post pictures.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Life is good!

My sweet, wonderful baby boy just came up to me, put his arms around me, and said, "I love you."

Then life went back to its normal level of chaos and humor.


The latest in children's fashion, the ever popular diaper hat.

Lest you think this lunacy is a one time occurrence, here Gabe is two days ago...


He decided that he needed a rawhide chew just like the dogs did.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Can y'all pray for my father-in-law?

He recently went in to the doc because he was experiencing some back pain. It was very similar to what he had experienced when he had kidney stones. The scans didn't find kidney stones but they did find a growth in his pancreas. They don't know whether it is cancerous or not...they won't know until they open him up to remove it. If it is a fluid filled growth then the odds are it is benign. If it is solid then we worry about cancer. Please pray for him. He is a wonderful man and none of us want to lose him.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

A blogging name...

I can't really think of any blogging name that I like better than my own name. I think I'll table that idea for now. If inspiration strikes later, I reserve the right to change my mind.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

My goofy boys...

My older two snitched my camera and took pics (of themselves and me) while I was mowing the lawn the other evening. Here are some of the results...






Gabe followed me around the whole yard "helping" me mow.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

I need help picking my blogging name...

This is something Melisssa of Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters came up with. This is just a way of acknowledging you've been writing (however sporadically) for at least 2 yrs and intend to keep writing. Please read Melissa's post about this...Blogging Name...and help me come up with my blogging name.

My new goal...

I have decided that it is absolutely shameful to be almost 4 yrs into blogging and still not have 200 posts. I am going to try to hit 200 posts by my 4 yr anniversary but I definitely want to hit it by years end. Do you think I can do it?

Friday, July 18, 2008

Have I really been blogging for almost 4 years?

I first started blogging about 3 months after we lost our Eva. I was hurting so badly and wasn't sure that pain would ever go away. Now, almost 4 years later, I have my miracle baby (OMG, he is 2 1/2). I have a host of wonderful friends I would have never found without blogging. I truly am blessed.

I still miss the babies I never got to know. I will always wonder about them and part of me will always grieve for them. Infertility put me in a dark place for a long time. Yes, I still went on with life. I laughed and loved with the children I had but it seemed there was a giant, dark, empty place within my soul. There were some days that the darkness and emptiness were overwhelming. My friends, mu hubby, and a short term visit with mommy's little helper (lexapro) helped me get a handle on the depression. Once I was back in control of the depression instead of letting it control me, it was much easier to deal with the continued efforts to have a baby.

Now, I have living proof that my efforts weren't in vain. We have a beautiful little wild child who brings so much joy to Vic, Marty, Joey, and me. In addition to the blessing of our third son, my husband has been blessed with a wonderful job that he truly loves. My family is thriving.

Despite the pain it caused, I can't regret the journey through infertility. That journey has proven to me that my hubby and I can survive anything. Its also shown me how important it is to savor every little moment you have with someone. As a result, I think I appreciate what I have so much more.

Thank you for coming with me on this journey and I hope you stick around to see everything else that's coming. At this point, even I don't no what the next step will be in our journey.


Its not how deep the sea
Its not how wide the sky
Its how sweet the time
From hello to goodbye

We have a new family member...

and he is so cute and cuddly. Here he is in all his glory, Joey's new cat, Max!





Wednesday, July 16, 2008

To try or not to try...that is the question.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...I know its a badly mangled version of a Shakespeare quote but I just don't have any creative title ideas for this post. I have been thinking a LOT about trying for another baby. I am really conflicted about this. Part of me feels it would be tempting fate to try again. We went through so much and traveled so very far to get our Gabriel. How could it possibly end so well again? But, I also truly do feel that there is suppose to be a 4th child. If we don't try for that 4th child, I think I will always wonder and question my decision. Then, there is the age factor. I am 38 and my husband is 48. If we are going to do it, it would have to be soon. Then, there is the fact that we are just now financially cutting it after my husband's career ending injury in 2001 devastated our finances. However, finances are a changeable thing. Do I make a permanent decision based on temporary/changeable circumstances? My husband is in a secure job. His salary will do nothing except go up. His boss said he was the best thing that happened to the department last year.

Getting pregnant again would mean 3 months of progesterone and 9 months of twice daily anti-coagulant injections. This has to be a conscious decision. I have to either decide to do it or decide not to do it. I can't let it just happen because if I did, I would be signing up for another miscarriage. Ugh...its not fucking fair. Why can't it be easy? Why can't I just decide to let nature take its course? Can't I please go back to the days of naivety and be sure that no matter what it will turn out ok?

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Mom 1...Kids 0...

My kids are generally good kids but they have their moments. One of their favorite arguments when they are asked to do something (like take out the trash, feed the dogs, etc) is "I did it last." GRRRRRR It drives me insane when they argue about who has to do simple chores.

A few days ago, the older two were having one of those days where they were arguing about everything and were getting on my last nerve (and it was only 10 am). I was busy charting a cross stitch pattern and I noticed the dogs needed to go out. I said, "Can one of you guys let the dogs out?" I bet you can guess what happened next. That's right, they immediately launched into one of their "BUT I DID IT LAST ARGUMENTS". Trying to reason with them got me no where and I was getting really ticked off. That's when I snapped and decided enough was enough. While they were still arguing about whose turn it was to let the dogs out, I got up and did it myself. I'm sure the kids thought they had hit the jackpot. After all, they argued and were difficult and mom did the job. Little did they know what was about to hit them.

For the rest of the day, I did nothing for Marty or Joey...and I do mean NOTHING. Joey wanted to have a friend come over and I said, "No, I had your friends over last time. Its not my turn." And, hehehe, boy did he ever looked shocked. Then, he asked if he could go over to a friends' house. I said sure. Well, the two friends who live within walking/biking distance were not home. He then wanted to know if he could go to a third friend's house. I told him he could if he could get there himself (knowing full well he couldn't). He said he didn't remember the directions and it was too far to walk. I then told him I guessed he couldn't go because I drove him last time and I didn't feel like it this time. I think this was the point where they began to realize the trouble they had gotten themselves into.

It didn't stop there. A request for me to get a drink..."No, I did it last. Its not my turn." A plea to help them find a specific toy..."No, I did it last. I don't want to." The request for help with a video game...you guessed it..."No, I did it last. Its not my turn." But, the best moment came at dinner time. Marty wanted to know what was for dinner. I told him, "I don't know. I made dinner for daddy, me, and Gabe. I made your dinner last time. I don't want to do it this time. I guess you'll have to feed yourself" ROFL...you should have seen the look on their faces. It was such a beautiful moment.

The best thing about all this is I haven't heard "I did it last time" even once since then. They learned a lesson and I had fun teaching it.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Help find Justice for Pfc. LaVena Johnson

The article can be found on the Pfc. LaVena Johnson Petition site. However, I also want it in its entirety here. This article was posted by Phillip Barron on May 6, 2007.

The cover-up of a soldier's death?

Once upon a time lived a young woman from a St. Louis suburb. She was an honor roll student, she played the violin, she donated blood and volunteered for American Heart Association walks. She elected to put off college for a while and joined the Army once out of school. At Fort Campbell, KY, she was assigned as a weapons supply manager to the 129th Corps Support Battalion.

She was LaVena Johnson, private first class, and she died near Balad, Iraq, on July 19, 2005, just eight days shy of her twentieth birthday. She was the first woman soldier from Missouri to die while serving in Iraq or Afghanistan.

The tragedy of her story begins there.

An Army representative initially told LaVena's father, Dr. John Johnson, that his daughter died of "died of self-inflicted, noncombat injuries," but initially added that it was not a suicide. The subsequent Army investigation reversed this finding and declared LaVena's death a suicide, a finding refuted by the soldier's family. In an article in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, Dr. Johnson pointed to indications that his daughter had endured a physical struggle before she died - two loose front teeth, a "busted lip" that had to be reconstructed by the funeral home - suggesting that "someone might have punched her in the mouth."

A promise by the office of Representative William Lacy Clay to look into the matter produced nothing. The military said that the matter was closed.

Little more on LaVena's death was said until St. Louis CBS affiliate KMOV aired a story last night which disclosed troubling details not previously made public - details which belie the Army's assertion that the young Florissant native died by her own hand. The video of the report is available on the KMOV website.

Reporter Matt Sczesny spoke with LaVena's father and examined documents and photos sent by Army investigators. So far from supporting the claim that LaVena died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound, the documents provided elements of another scenario altogether:

  • Indications of physical abuse that went unremarked by the autopsy
  • The absence of psychological indicators of suicidal thoughts; indeed, testimony that LaVena was happy and healthy prior to her death
  • Indications, via residue tests, that LaVena may not even have handled the weapon that killed her
  • A blood trail outside the tent where Lavena's body was found
  • Indications that someone attenpted to set LaVena's body on fire

The Army has resisted calls by Dr. Johnson and by KMOV to reopen its investigation.

We have seen in other military deaths, most infamously that of Army Ranger and former professional football player Cpl. Pat Tillman, that the Army has engaged in an insulting game of deny and delay when it comes to uncovering embarrassing facts. Only when public and official attention is brought to bear on the matter - as happened, eventually and with great effort, with the case of Cpl. Tillman - do unpleasant truths come to light.

Astonishing as it seems, it takes that level of outrage to compel the Army to find the truth and tell it, to honor its own soldiers. No such groundswell has yet emerged in the case of LaVena; not enough voices have demanded that someone in the military, anyone, speak for her. At first glance, the contrast between the cases of Pat Tillman and LaVena Johnson seems vast, but at the core the situations are the same. In each case, the death of a young soldier in a dangerous place and time was not explained to the families they left behind, the families that gave them up so that they could serve us. An honest accounting of their passing is all the dead ask of us.

The mother of Pat Tillman put the matter in stark and honest terms:

"This is how they treat a family of a high-profile individual," she said. "How are they treating others?"

In the case of Private First Class Johnson, we know the answer.

Please visit the site for yourself and check out the details. There are links to the original news reports there. Also, if you are as horrified as I am, take the time to sign the Justice for LaVena Johnson Petition.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Its been a busy, busy summer.

My two older boys went to camp at Shiloh Farms down near my parents. They did a little riding.



And, even Gabe got on a horse for a short time.



They have all kinds of animals in the petting zoo...draft horses, mini horses, llamas, zebu cows, Texas longhorn cows, goats, pigeons, doves, quail, show bantams, chickens, various types of rabbits, golden retrievers, and labs. The older kids did a lot with the animals over the week. Gabe got to visit one day and fed a bunch of the animals.









Gabe has also been quite busy so far. He has been exploring his artistic side by decorating paper and himself...ROFL...







And Joey has also been to Agape Camp and his cub scout pack had a bike rodeo...









We still have a few more camps to come...vacation bible school, Agape Day Camp, and some music lessons for Marty.

How is your summer going?