"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. " -Helen Keller

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Let's Talk About Sex Baby (maybe not safe for work reading)

Let's talk about sex, baby
Let's talk about you and me
Let's talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be
Let's talk about sex
Let's talk about sex
Let's talk about sex
Let's talk about sex
by Salt 'N' Pepa

I was reading a post by Mrs. Spit the other day and it got me thinking. She was talking about running into a woman who didn't know how to use a tampon and was embarrassed to learn, won't use birth control because it will make her fat, and was clueless about her menstrual cycle. All I could think was, if she is that clueless about her own body and is embarrassed to learn, how in the hell does she talk to her partner about sex? I can't even imagine being in her shoes.

See, I was lucky and sex was never treated as an embarrassing subject when I was growing up. I remember having at least a basic idea about reproduction when I was as young as 6 years old. And, my mom always made sure there were books around so I would know the truth about how things worked. Hell, I knew enough and was comfortable enough talking about sex that I was nicknamed the Dr. Ruth or my freshmen hall in college. Sadly, many people never get that comfortable with their own body or with the subject of sex...and, without that level of comfort, it makes it much harder to have those Oh My God, toe-curling, muscle twitching orgasms that romance novels make seem so common.

Now, I know all of you who are members of the ALI community have become intimately familiar with your body and its cycles and rhythms. Because of our difficulties with family building, that knowledge has been forced on us. But, knowledge about our cycles isn't the same as being thoroughly comfortable with sex and sexuality. Even people who are comfortable enough to chase an orgasm like that with sex toys and adventurous partner often won't admit they own any adult toys. So, step up to the plate and fess up. Are you one of the 53% of American women who own a B.O.B. (or battery operated boyfriend)? Not only do I own one, but my hubby and I have used it together. In fact, my manly man hubby was the one who bought me my first vibe. I knew I was madly in love with him before that but that truly sealed the deal.

As far as long term relationships go, I think you are cheating yourself and your partner out of something pretty damned incredible if you can't talk about sex and what you like and how you like it. That's not saying you have to be into anything freaky or out there but openness and honesty is paramount to having the most fulfilling sex life possible. Besides that, sex talk can be more than titillating, it can be pretty freakin' hysterical. Talking about all the myths about sex or the oddest story you've heard related to sex can be damned entertaining. What's the oddest tale or urban legend you've heard about sex? Remind me to tell you the story about the guy, the flashlight, and the trip to the ER someday. Do you have a question you've always wanted to ask someone but didn't know who to ask or how? Well, ask away?

We all know there are times and places that are inappropriate for sex talk. This isn't one of them. So come on y'all. We're all friends here. Let's Talk About Sex Baby!

Anonymous posting is welcomed if you don't want to put your name to your comment. All I ask is that you are respectful of others opinions and that no one turns into an ass clown. Ass clownery will get comments delete.


GeekByMarriage said...

In 9th grade I was sitting next to a very pregnant girl during health class. Oh joy it's sex ed time! I wanted to smack her silly when I realized she knew NOTHING about the mechanics of sex or pregnancy. That might explain why she was pregnant. She didn't even know "stuff" came out of the boys penis. She was a real ditz.

Why do men believe size matters? I mean it does matter in the "can't be teeny tiny and it can't be a horse cock" but everything in between seems just fine to me. If a man has a pencil dick he knows it but even men with average/above average freak out that it's too small. Drives me nuts.

Little Miss Flossy said...

Tim comes home occasionally with stories of 911 calls that he attended where couples were stuck in odd positions or odd places that they had to be helped out of. Seems those stories are not all urban legends!

He's a treasure and honestly, I can't imagine ever having sex with anyone else again because he is just so damn good at it! Very patient and selfless and good at bringing on the toe-curling :-) We have a couple of different BOBS that we use, not very often, just occasionally for a bit of fun. Oddly enough, they were all bought for us by a good friend who was enjoying them so much, she thought we might too. She was right.

battynurse said...

I have a B.O.B. I was like 34 I think before I finally got one (I was too embarrassed before) but it was one of the BEST things I ever did for myself. I will admit though that I was a virgin until I was 29. Long story there with a bunch of baggage related to religion.
Sex was definitely not discussed in my household and when it was it wasn't in favorable ways. I remember being about 18 and my mom telling me not to expect to enjoy sex as God didn't create us to enjoy it. Even then I couldn't help thinking that maybe daddy was doing something wrong.
I will also admit that I wish I had done some more experimenting when I was younger as I now feel just too old to act like a 20 year old but I never really acted like a 20 year old.

GeekByMarriage said...

Also my BOB is so unusual that I don't want to embarrass myself by saying what it is on here. Email me or FB if you promise not to laugh too hard.

'Murgdan' said...

Sex was never taboo talk in my house growing up either. My BOB has been getting more activity than my husband of late....but it's all good. We're trying to get back into the swing of things. ;-)

Sheliza said...

Sex was VERY taboo in my family growing up and I vowed to not make that mistake with my kids. I have had to have those very uncomfortable convos about oral sex amongst other things. I refuse for my daughters to learn anyplace else. Great post Ms. Kristin!

areyoukiddingme said...

I have to say that I'm totally repressed, and I don't own a B.O.B. But, my best friend is as open as I am repressed, so when the time comes that my daughter has a topic that I can't handle, I have somewhere to send her. I learned everything I know by centuries-old traditon - I read it in a book! The conversations I had about sex with my parents went something like this:
Older sister: Something about some forbidden activity
Mom: We're Catholic, we don't do that.
Me: No (whatever my sister was talking about), no premarital sex - we never get to have ANY fun!
Mom: (horrified) PRE-MARITAL SEX IS NOT FUN!!!!

I was taking a road trip from Chicago to Colorado with my boyfriend
Dad: I don't have to have "the talk" with you, do I?
Me: No, you most certainly DO NOT.

My mother was horrified that my husband and I lived together before we got married and would regularly regale me with beauties such as "Don't his parents think you're a trollop?"

Given all that, I'm pretty adventurous with my husband. Love and trust and wonderful tools to combat repression!

*Tanyetta* said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
*Tanyetta* said...

Mrs. Spit probably would laugh at me but, here goes!!!---

I am 40 years old and still trying to figure out how my cycle works. My baby girl is fully weaned and I am trying to find out when my regular cycle will begin and end.

I have been trying to estimate when Auntie Flow will come and I am always off. I thought I was supposed to count from the day of my FMP and count forward 28 days. Help!

Oh and as far as sex, growing up it wasn't OK to talk about so of course the kids had to fend for themselves. My husband and I are very OPEN with our older daughter and plan to be the same way with our two little ones once they're a little older!

Great post Kristin!

JEN said...


No one told me anything about anything sex related growing up. Ugh.

Quiet Dreams said...

One thing my mom did right was not make any secret about sex or bodily functions. I also knew what sex was by the time I was 5 or 6. BUT, I had quite a few of those religious hang ups (also from Mom, largely) until my early to mid-twenties.

If I ever have another partner, I am looking forward to finding one who is a much less SELFISH lover than Mr. X, who had his own share of hang-ups, my favorite of which was his aversion to my B.O.B. I now use my B.O.B. to my heart's delight, without fear of trampling on someone's "issues."

MrsSpock said...

My mother was raised by a strict Sicilian Catholic mother and grandmother. My great-grandmother referred to sex as "that dirty thing", my grandmother was very naive, and my own mother did not learn about her period until she started bleeding. My mother knew little about the mechanics of things on her wedding night.

She decided she would not let her daughters endure the same fate, so, despite being a devout Catholic, she took us aside at age 6 and explained the birds and the bees.

I've owned a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves since 8th grade, and was the unofficial sex-ed instructor because of that.