"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. " -Helen Keller

Monday, August 08, 2011

finding my sight

Hi I'm Suzy from Not a Fertile Myrtle!  I am so excited Kristin asked me to be a guest on her blog today as she recovers from all the fun at BlogHer!  I may or not be slightly jealous of all the fun she had there.  :)

While I was deciding what to post I decided to share a recept post from my blog with you.  Enjoy!

today at church we had an interesting discussion about handicaps. what is a handicap? it can be something that weighs us down. a handicap doesn't have to be something physical like so many things that come to mind. something that hinders us from fully living life. something that hinders us spiritually, physically or emotionally.

the person leading the discussion is a very good friend of ours. our friend B is in his late 60's. he lost his eye sight when he was in his mid 40's. he makes jokes about being blind by telling people "it's nice to see you!" he laughs everytime he says it! when i started coloring my hair red, his wife told him my hair color had changed and he made a point to tell me my new hair color looked good on me! ha ha!

B is always quick to tell people that he found his real sight when he went blind. he stopped taking things for granted. his sense of smell, touch, and sound were all heightened. he truly believes the loss of his vision made him a stronger person. a better person. i love the outlook he has on something that could have made his attitude on life so bitter.

during this discussion B asked what we felt our handicap was. my mind went immediately to infertility. our infertility diagnosis has been, and continues to be, a huge handicap in my life. it has effected me spiritually, emotionally, and physically. infertility has rocked me to my core.

earlier this year i had the lovely opportunity to meet a fellow blogger, sandy. we had some great conversations but one in particular has stayed with me.

we talked about being older (40) and being infertile. what would our lives had been like if we had gotten pregnant so easily in our 20's like so many of our friends did. how would we be different? would we have the respect for the difficulty of having a child like we do now?

i spent most of my 20's figuring out what direction i wanted my life to take. what career path i wanted to pursue. i also spent a lot of my early 20's figuring out how to be a good wife. i was blessed to meet and marry ike before i was 20. i was 19 when we got married. i think i got a good catch since we're still together.

i felt my 20's laid the groundwork for who i would become in my 30's. a lot of my 30's was spent discovering the full extent of our infertility and trying to kick it's arse. we spent most of that time trying to overcome ike's azoo diagnosis, get rid of my endo, get my pcos under control, doing a couple of donor sperm iui's with no success.

now i'm entering my 40's.

holy crap.

i can't believe i'm saying that. i'm 40. i'm infertile. and i'm still trying to figure out when and how we are going to have a child.

that brings me back to the two discussions i had with two completely different people.

when sandy and i talked, we talked about how infertility would shape our parenting during our 40's. how it would be so completely different than if we were parenting children that we had easily conceived in our 20's, or even in our 30's.

and then i think back to the discussion with our friend B. could infertility be the thing that makes me stronger? could it be what makes me *find my sight* like the way my friend described his blindness. would i think of it as a gift?

would i take back my personal handicap of infertility? no.

infertility has made me the person i am today. who would i be without this struggle? would i take for granted the blessing of children? would i appreciate the friendships i have with others on this same journey?

i have met so many amazing people through this journey. ike and i have said many, many times that meeting others with this same *handicap* has truly enrinched our lives. i have been so blessed by so many of you. i don't think i could take that blessing back.

one day when ike and i are blessed with a child i truly believe i will look back on infertility and know that it has surprisingly enriched my life. i would never wish the curse of infertility on anyone else....ever. but i also wouldn't take it back. infertility will make me a better parent when that time comes. certainly a more appreciative and thankful parent.

but for now my life is in that in between moment of finding my true sight. i must begin to focus on my finding my sight. i need to find my way out of the darkness of infertility that has been looming over me for the past few months and years.

thank you friends for being there for me, in the darkness and helping me see there is hope. and there is light in my future.

1 comment:

Kristin said...

Suzy, thank you for posting. I feel the same way you do about infertility...I wouldn't give up going through it at all. Despite the pain and suffering, it has brought so very much to my life.