"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. " -Helen Keller

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Dum dum dum dum....

The King Street Players announce the Return of Evil Mom accompanied for the first time by Psycho Dad!

When kids are living large and loving life, who comes swooping in to ruin all the fun?
Its Evil Mom and her partner in oppression, Psycho Dad!

Our almost teen, the much beleaguered middle schooler Marty, got BUSTED. Marty conquered his fever and went back to school today. Of course, that meant in addition to the normal homework, he had all the make up work from Wednesday to do when he got home. He started lobbying as soon as we walked through the door.

MBMS: Mom, can't I do 3 of my four subjects and then go to a friend's house?
EM: Marty, I'm not sure...
MBMS: But mom, literature homework is really easy. I can get it done in only a few minutes. As soon as I get home from X's house, I can do that and my clarinet practice.

Given that Marty had been really good about his homework and everything since we had a homework issue about 2 weeks ago, I gave into a weak moment and agreed.

EM: Ok Marty, but you HAVE to get all that done (science, social studies, and math) before you go.

45 minutes later EM is leaving to pick up Joey from school...

MBMS: Mom, if I go to someone's house, I should leave you a note, right?
EM: Yes. Let me know where you are heading but remember you need to finish the work first.
MBMS: Ok mom.

EM returned from picking up Joey from school and found a note from MBMS stating he went to X's house. Fast forward to about 5 pm...

Ring, ring, ring
EM picks up phone: Hello
MBMS: Mom, I started feeling bad again. Can you come to X's house and pick me up?
EM: Sure, I'll be right there.

EM makes her second error of the day...failing all those who look to her leadership in the oppression of middle schoolers. EM figures that, since MBMS only has language arts left to do, it would be ok to let him wait a bit before he does homework to let the motrin kick in and get rid of the headache. After all, he will be able to concentrate much better that way. About 35 minutes later, Pycho Dad (henceforth known as PD) comes in from work.

PD noting MBMS in front of tv: Hi guys. Marty, are you done with your homework?
MBMS: I feel sick dad. Mom is letting me wait a little before I finish the last part of my homework.
PD to EM: Hi hon. How was your day?
yada yada yada...ad lib parental duscussion

PD exits stage right to change out of his uniform.

EM to MBMS as she finishes fixing dinner: Do you feel like eating now?
MBMS: Not right now.
EM: Then go ahead and start on the homework.

EM pauses when she mnotices MBMS takes out his math homework but then figures he must have decided to do language arts before he went to X's house.

Everyone else eats dinner. The evening drags on and the homework continues to be done with help on fractions from EM. EM is questioning MBMS judgment in waiting to do math rather than waiting to do language arts but still doesn't suspect she's been played.

PD: Marty, aren't you done with your homework yet?
MBMS: No dad, I've only got a little left.
PD: Try to hurry. You need to take a shower tonight.

homework drags on

EM: How much more do you have to do?
MBMS: I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
EM: I don't need sorry. I need to know how much longer this is going to take.
MBMS: I'm going as fast as I can.
EM slightly sarcastic tone of voice: Well maybe, just maybe, the math shouldn't have been left until after X's house. That wasn't a good decision.
MBMS: I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

Given past history and excessive apologies, EM starts smelling a rat.

EM: Well, this is ridiculous. From now on, all homework and all practice WILL be done before you go anywhere.
EM to PD: Since this is taking so long, can you give Gabe his bath?
PD: Sure

20 minutes later, PD comes back out after finishing Gabe's bath.

PD: Hon, I forgot Gabe's pajamas. Can you get him a pair?
PD: How much longer Marty?
MBMS: I only have about 5 math problems left and then I have language arts.

screeeeeech...back the bus up...

MBMS looking pitiful and realizing he's busted: Soooorry
EM and PD at the same time: Sorry doesn't cut it.
EM as she leaves room to get Gabe's pjs: You screwed up big time.

EM gives PD pajamas for Gabe and returns to the position of homework police.

MBMS: Mom, I thought you should know, Dad grounded me.
(MBMS is obviously hoping EM will get mad at PD)
EM: Good, you deserve it. Not only did you not follow through on the homework, you deliberately broke our deal and then didn't fess up because you thought you would be able to finish quickly enough that I wouldn't notice. And, you didn't need to tell me. Dad would have. We don't hide things from each other.
MBMS: How long am I grounded for?
PD and EM: We'll let you know. Don't worry about it. We'll figure it out.

At 9 pm, math homework is FINALLY done. EM and PD put Joey to bed. EM is putting Gabe to bed and MBMS is doing language arts under PD supervision. In the 10 minutes it takes to get Gabe to sleep, Marty finishes language arts. Homework is done and the other kids are in bed. Its time for the come to Jesus meeting.

EM: You know hon, since it hasn't been that long (less than a month) since his last homework issue, I think he needs to be grounded for at least a week. No going to friends houses and definitely no having them come here.
PD: Sounds good.
PD: Marty, I am very disappointed in you. I don't ever expect this behavior form you.
EM: I'm not just disappointed. I am royally pissed off. You deliberately broke your word. You deliberately lied. You played me.
PD: Let me tell you Marty...if this ever, and I mean ever, happens again...
MBMS morosely: I know, I lose everything.
PD: You will lose everything and don't be surprised if I restrict you from everything for 2 or 3 months at a time.
EM: And, don't be surprised if I don't take you at your word for a while. You lied.
PD: If this becomes a habit, I can just ground you until you turn 18.
EM is biting her tongue to keep from laughing.
MBMS looking very close to tears: I'm so sorry.
EM: You know it is ok to cry.
MBMS: No, no, its not that. My head just hurts. I need more medicine.
EM deciding to let him save face: Ok...finish getting ready for bed and I'll get you some tylenol.

EM and PD tuck a quiet and sad Marty into bed and go back out to the living room.

EM laughing: You know hon, you can't really ground him until 18. He does have to grow up and be ready to move out after all.
PD: I know. If he says something, I'll tell him what my dad told me when I asked him about similar threats.
EM: Whats that?
PD: Dad told me, "You lied to me so I lied to you."
EM and PD: Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha

And the scene fades to black......


Velda said...

you seriously need to publish these in a book! OMG that was funny!

Margaret said...

You MUST write a "Parenting in Real Life" book!!!!!

~Tammy said...

That is classic.

You lied to me so I lied to you. Great comeback if needed.

MrsSpock said...

I'm storing that comeback in the vault for the future. LOL.

Beautiful Mess said...

AHAHAHAHA, that's TOO funny! Yes, a "real life" parenting book is in order! Good for you 2 for handling it so well!
Enjoy your weekend!

Anonymous said...

Oh dear you have one of those to? Good luck! I was told it changes when they turn 15. Ha! I think it doesn't stop until they are grown and out of the house. What do you think?

Anonymous said...

I forgot to put in my last comment that I nominated you for an award on my blog! Enjoy!

musicmakermomma said...

That is great! from another EM...

Pam Ringo said...

OMG... I'm SO saving that for later! I think we might need to use that on one or more of ours at some point. haha

Dora said...

That's so great. I can only imagine how hard it must be not to burst out laughing when in the middle of the punishment discussion.

Children with rules are so much more pleasant to be around. :-)

Rachel said...

oh my, this was like you had a bug in MY HOUSE!! P is 11 (and in middle school too) and we get to go through the same scene about every couple of weeks. He actually was shocked that we expected him to get all his home work done during the first month of school!