I was reading a blog the other day and the author was recognizing the anniversary of her loss. I realized that without looking up the information, I couldn't tell you what the days of my losses were. I guess that is both good and bad.
Its good because that means I am no longer obsessing about my losses. Before I had Gabe, I could tell you the date of each of my 8 losses. I still miss those babies. I still wonder what they would have been like. But, I no longer think about it every minute of every day.
Not remembering the date of every loss is bad because that means I have so many of them that it is hard to remember. I also feel like I'm doing those little souls a disservice by not remembering those days. It seems like everyone else remembers their loss dates and I sometimes feel like I'm failing at something when I don't remember the dates.
I guess overall, its better that the dates of my losses aren't always on my mind. I would only have 5 months where I didn't have a loss I had to recognize. And, that's not how I want to live my life. I want to focus on the positive. I want to appreciate what I have. I refuse to spend my life mourning what I don't have.
It took a long time to get to this place. I'm glad I have reached it.