"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. " -Helen Keller

Friday, August 29, 2008

Remembering...

I was reading a blog the other day and the author was recognizing the anniversary of her loss. I realized that without looking up the information, I couldn't tell you what the days of my losses were. I guess that is both good and bad.

Its good because that means I am no longer obsessing about my losses. Before I had Gabe, I could tell you the date of each of my 8 losses. I still miss those babies. I still wonder what they would have been like. But, I no longer think about it every minute of every day.

Not remembering the date of every loss is bad because that means I have so many of them that it is hard to remember. I also feel like I'm doing those little souls a disservice by not remembering those days. It seems like everyone else remembers their loss dates and I sometimes feel like I'm failing at something when I don't remember the dates.

I guess overall, its better that the dates of my losses aren't always on my mind. I would only have 5 months where I didn't have a loss I had to recognize. And, that's not how I want to live my life. I want to focus on the positive. I want to appreciate what I have. I refuse to spend my life mourning what I don't have.

It took a long time to get to this place. I'm glad I have reached it.

My children
9/10/94
Marty 2/20/97
12/8/99
Joey 11/15/00
11/4/02
2/12/03
4/15/03
11/24/03
6/17/04 (Eva)
1/13/05
Gabe 12/2/05

10 comments:

Dora said...

Kristin, I'm glad you got to this place, too. It's not a disservice to them. They will always be in your heart, but they'd want you to be a happy mom to their living brothers. Raising their brothers to be wonderful people is the best tribute to your angels.

chris said...

I'm sorry. That's a lot to go through.

Vicki said...

Kristin...please don't feel bad. You are not the only one out there that doesn't remember the exact dates...I don't remember mine either. I know the month and year but not the exact date...which like you said, means that I no longer obsess about them. And like Dora said...it's not a disservice to them, they are with you everyday. Another way I look at it is that I wouldn't have the children I do today if the others had survived. That might sound callous but I have to believe those losses were for a reason and that reason brought me the wonderful children that I have today. They are here for some special reason...I just don't know what it is. But that helps me cope with the ones I lost.

tina said...

Kristin,

I'm glad you've reached a place where you can live rather than exist. And by being a mother to the children you have you are certainly not doing a disservice to the ones that you lost.

Chris said...

{{{HUGS}}} Don't feel bad. There are many out there that don't acknowledge the losses at all. They are in your heart, and when the time comes, you will be reunited with them. Besides they are all watching over their brothers...one of them may need more guardian angels then the others.

InfertileMadWoman said...

Awww sweetie... here is one big hug for you.

It is good to be in a place where you aren't always thinking about it, but where you can remember them just the same.

Hugs,
Rebel

Beautiful Mess said...

It's hard to get to "that" place, but once you've reached it..oh it's SO freeing..well for me it was. I wish you nothing but peace in your heart. You are doing a fine job by raising your boys and living in the moment. Grief is something we need to get THROUGH, not drag it around with us for the rest of our lives. Smile because those babies gave you the gift of your 3 wonderful boys. I'm sending you a HUGE hug!
-D *ICLW*

Silver said...

Hugs... that's a lot to process.

Ken's choice said...

remembering is good, it gives peace in your heart, but don't stay sad about your losses, (who am I to talk, I'm still sad, more times than not!)
but you've got a beautyful family now, 4 men in your house, what more could you wish for, maybe an other little one ?
you are soooo blessed !!
and I love you,
hugs.

Nit said...

Hello...thanks for visiting my blog :)

I can't imagine what it took for you to get to this place, but am so happy that you are there. Gabe is truly a blessing! :)