"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. " -Helen Keller

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Why does it feel like a door slamming shut?

Gabe got a new bed yesterday. It's his first real big boy bed...a bunk bed. He is so thrilled and so excited and I'm trying to be just as excited for him. Mostly I am. See, having two beds in that room has raised the possibility of Joey moving in with Gabe and letting Marty have his own room. And, while I know Marty would love it, to me that idea seems like the death knell for any chance of having our fourth and final baby. When we moved into this house 4 years ago my plan hope dream was that the new baby would share the room with Gabe. Agewise it would have made the most sense. And, I figured that even if the baby was a girl (oh what a dream) that by the time she needed a separate room, Marty would be heading off to college. And, I've been clinging to that dream. But, the kids themselves raised the possibility of the room switch and I simply said it was up to them. I can't make that decision for them because that bitch hope is making me ride the crazy train.

What if you let them switch room...and then you get pregnant...and then what are you going to do?

I put too many things on hold for too long when we were battling infertility and trying for Gabe. I can't won't do that to my kids. I won't put their growing up on hold for a dream that may never arrive. If they decide to switch rooms, I'll suck it up and move on. Anything after that can be dealt with if it happens.

So why does a little part of me feel like crying and why does it feel like a light is about to go off and a door is about to slam shut on a dream?

22 comments:

Jen said...

It'll work out. {{hugs}}

areyoukiddingme said...

If they switch rooms and you get pregnant, they get to rearrange again. Families have to be flexible, and this is not something to spend energy worrying about. If you do get pregnant and have a girl, your boys will rearrange their whole lives for her anyway. If you do get pregnant and have a boy, they can solve the rooming problem among themselves, and you can call it showing faith in their responsibility and love for each other.

As Jen said...it'll work out. But, I'm sorry it makes you feel like a door is closing.

Ernie said...

I can see how you'd feel like a door is closing because things didn't go as planned. You had the rooms set up the way they are for a reason. If you do get pregnant, you can always rearrange again though! Don't let the room arrangements take that hope!

Mrs. Gamgee said...

I think the 'what if's of IF are what makes it so hard. You feel like you can't make plans for big and small things because of the almighty 'what if I get pregnant?'

I think you are right to say that you won't let that way of thinking hold you and your family captive. But I don't think switching up the bedroom situation means that you are giving up on the dream. Rooms can be easily swapped back again when the need is there. (and I'm praying that it will be sooner rather than later).

((hugs))

battynurse said...

I hear you sister. I know how much I make decisions based on my hope that someday I'll have a baby and what would be ideal for that plan. Then to step back and do things differently feels like I'm giving up hope. However there is nothing that says we can't go back and change things again. Or come up with a new plan. Hugs to you.

Quiet Dreams said...

It is so easy to put so much meaning into things, that, like the commenters above said, can easily be changed.

I understand your feeling, though. I definitely get a vision of how I want things to work out, and so often, they don't go as I had planned.

hugs

Barb said...

sorry sweetie. :(

Kymberli said...

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. I understand how you feel. Sure, if the best news happens the boys can rearrange themselves again, but it doesn't change the fact that this adjustment feels like a huge concession on your dreams. I love you, girl.

Meari said...

You feel like crying because you think a door is closing. Really it's not. It's an adjustment. All you're doing is allowing your children to be happy. If a new little one comes along, it will be another adjustment. You will figure something out. Until then, rejoice in the fact that your boys would even consider swapping rooms! :) ((hugs))

niobe said...

I know. I know.

MiPa said...

(((hugs))) If/when(?) you get pregnant, then it will be a good excuse to upset the apple cart and move everyone around again. Change is good to learn. But it is also okay to grieve the little passings of them growing up and the changes in your dreams.

Sheliza said...

Aww Kristin, at the end of the day you are so richly blessed with your 3 amazing boys. If #4 comes along all will fall into place. Congrats to Gabe on his big boy bed!!

sara said...

It's like infertility likes to mess with us at odd moments, huh? Even when it's not directly related to a current pregnancy or lack of...it still stings, doesn't it? Hugsss.....I'm thinking of you and hoping things work out

Aunt Becky said...

Aw, dude, I'm all tearful right now. Seriously. Sending you a big old hug.

Michelle said...

It is so easy to say but so hard to do...not live based on what if. I know it feels that way but like every one else said. If it happens then you can rearrange things again if needed. Sending hugs!

JamericanSpice said...

It does feel that way. I'm glad you are not putting them on hold and trust me, if you do get pregnant again, you'll work it out. You'll all work it out as a family. don't worry about what you don't yet know :)

Dora said...

What everyone else said. You'll work it out. Big hug!

(BTW, did you see my comment on Mel's blog where I said I would totally trust you with my Sunshine? xoxo!!)

feelsliketime said...

So sorry you are going through this.
Hope can be a bitch.

PFM said...

Kristen-
You know I understand exactly what you are saying. As you said IF never goes away. It poses such a challenge in our lives.

..Soo.See.. said...

man.. having to make decisions when your mind and heart are set on another dream is so hard. it'll work out. not only is hope a bitch, but so is infertility, and with both we've got to learn how to be flexible even though we don't want to be at the moment. huge hugs!! I often think b/c we only have 2 bedrooms, and 4 people, we're at max capacity - which I can't seem to accept. you're strong, kristin, you can get through this. xo

MrsSpock said...

You can always rearrange- though it still feels like a slamming door. I am planning on moving J to the "big" second bedroom, and it will be painted blue, which is kind of symbolic of my feelings that we will never have three children, so why bother painting a gender-neutral color?

justine said...

Rooms are to be moved through ... not into, not permanently. I can understand why it feels like a door closing, though. Time to open a window. *hug*