"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. " -Helen Keller

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

A One-Two Punch

You know, I really thought I was past the point of feeling jealous about other people's pregnancies. I have been nothing but delighted by the recent pregnancy announcements among my ALI friends. I haven't even felt bad about seeing pregnant bellies when I'm out and about. But, last night it hit.

ONE...My cousin's wife is expecting their 5th child. This is the cousin I grew up with. He is almost exactly the same age as me and his wife is a lovely person. I am happy for them because they've experienced loss and their life hasn't been perfectly smooth. But, when I read the news, I got that sinking feeling we all know too well. That feeling that screams "Why can't that be me?" I fucking hate that that feeling is back but I guess it answers the question that has been dogging me lately. I still do want another child.

...then, while I was feeling kind of low, the second blow hit. I popped onto my blog and was checking my blogroll to see if there were any posts I needed to read and I saw one that made my heart sink all the way down. Jo over at MoJo Working said there was No Heartbeat. It just isn't fucking fair. I was sitting here with tears welling up and my heart was breaking for Jo. God did I feel like a selfish bitch when I was grieving not having my fourth and she was grieving not having any babies to hold.

I was down for the count and my dreams weren't that peaceful last night. While I will always be heartbroken when I hear about a loss, I refuse to get dragged back to dwelling on what I don't have. I want to appreciate my blessings and laugh until a smile drives the blues away. Victor Hugo said "Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face." I believe it does more than that. I believe laughter can renew your soul.

Share a laugh or a favorite quote with me. May it bring a smile to both of our faces.


Sandy said...

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." -Steve Martin


I used to hate it when people gave hugs in comments or emails, until one day somebody did it to me...and it felt good! :)

Oh, and hugs from Oscar. He does this cute thing where he pats your back when he hugs you.

Little Miss Flossy said...

My favourite at the moment... it's getting me through because the weather is so damnably awful here:

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
Albert Camus


AnotherDreamer said...

My favorite one is on my blog, "If you're going through hell, keep going." -Winston Churchill

I just keep reminding myself of that.

But I also really like this quote from Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen- "Elinor agreed to it all, for she did not think he deserved the compliments of rational opposition." ;)

Quiet Dreams said...

On the lighter side:
Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." - Rita Rudner

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. ~Author Unknown

Hugs, friend.

Stacie said...

I am in a similar funk myself, so the laughter and quotes are not coming to me at the moment. I can say that I am sending you warm thoughts and lots of love, though! Hugs, Kristin.

Anonymous said...

It is so freakin' heart-wrenching to read the no heartbeat posts. That is not the first one I have read recently, and they really stick with me. I hope you start feeling better soon.

Emmy said...

I haven't crossed into the pregnant or child side (yet) but I don't know if I'll ever get over feeling jealous of other people's pregnancy announcements.

There has been too much of people who do everything right who can't have a baby and too many people who are not in a good place/do drugs/poke holes in condoms to hold on to their boyfriends that do get pregnant.

Sorry, though I could use the laugh, I don't have any funny in me right now.

Anonymous said...

I had to go look one up, but this one is just awesome... "Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live."

Days like this ares ent to try us and never under value your own pain, it is real and no less so because someone else has 'bigger' reasons for sadness.

Happy ICLW and thanks for stopping by my blog.

..Soo.See.. said...

Oh man.. :( I know it seems like such a double - edged sword b/c how can you feel one way about a pregnancy, yet feel awful about a loss. Nothing is fair in this stupid IF world. Huge [[HUGS]]!!

Kir said...

I too will be fine until one Announcement sends me over the edge. I hate that...so I know how you feel.

IF is fucking unfair, for all of us. HUGS

um, I have two favorite jokes...

Did you hear about the Circus?
It was "INTENSE" (in tents)


A horse walks into a bar,..and the bartender says.."why the LONG face?"

and recently I was in Hall*mark and saw a card for a divorce (weird right) but it was funny...
two alligators dressed up as women:
1st alligtor: I love your new purse
2nd alligator: Thanks! it's my ex-husband.

Too much???? I laughed for 10 minutes..I really did. I must be happily married.


sara said...

Thanks for pointing me over to the other blog. Breaks my heart...so freakin unfair. I think it's so natural to feel the I want another child. I think it's instinctual to most of us that drive to be a mom. Just because you have one child, or two...when you want another and can't have one easily it can hurt as badly when we first started on this infertility roller coaster. Hugs...thinking of you....