You know, I really thought I was past the point of feeling jealous about other people's pregnancies. I have been nothing but delighted by the recent pregnancy announcements among my ALI friends. I haven't even felt bad about seeing pregnant bellies when I'm out and about. But, last night it hit.
ONE...My cousin's wife is expecting their 5th child. This is the cousin I grew up with. He is almost exactly the same age as me and his wife is a lovely person. I am happy for them because they've experienced loss and their life hasn't been perfectly smooth. But, when I read the news, I got that sinking feeling we all know too well. That feeling that screams "Why can't that be me?" I fucking hate that that feeling is back but I guess it answers the question that has been dogging me lately. I still do want another child.
TWO...then, while I was feeling kind of low, the second blow hit. I popped onto my blog and was checking my blogroll to see if there were any posts I needed to read and I saw one that made my heart sink all the way down. Jo over at MoJo Working said there was No Heartbeat. It just isn't fucking fair. I was sitting here with tears welling up and my heart was breaking for Jo. God did I feel like a selfish bitch when I was grieving not having my fourth and she was grieving not having any babies to hold.
I was down for the count and my dreams weren't that peaceful last night. While I will always be heartbroken when I hear about a loss, I refuse to get dragged back to dwelling on what I don't have. I want to appreciate my blessings and laugh until a smile drives the blues away. Victor Hugo said "Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face." I believe it does more than that. I believe laughter can renew your soul.
Share a laugh or a favorite quote with me. May it bring a smile to both of our faces.