"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. " -Helen Keller

Friday, November 13, 2009

If You Want To Make God Laugh

If you want to make God laugh, just tell him your plans. I have heard this phrase in so many contexts and, the more I think about it, the more truth I see in this phrase.

Once upon a time, I had it all planned out. I originally planned on 3 children which then became a plan for 4 children. I had my first son when I was 27 years old. "Surely ," I thought, "with the fertility in my family, I should be able to pop out a kid every 2 to 3 years." Even with 4 kids and the maximum spacing, I would have been done by the time I was 36. By that point in time, my husband would be either a Battalion Chief or Deputy Chief with the fire department.

Instead, it took almost 4 years to have my second child and another 5 years beyond that to finally be blessed with our third child. And, my husband isn't even with the fire department anymore and, in addition to the knee injury that medically retired him from fire fighting, my hubby has to fight with diabetes every day. Don't get me wrong, my life is good. My children are healthy. I'm married to my soulmate and he has a good job. It's just that it has been a really rough ride to get to this point. Most of the time, I don't even have a lot of angst regarding infertility and all the losses we had to deal with. After all, if I hadn't gone through that, I wouldn't have Gabe.

Lately, I've found a little of that angst regarding my fertility and child bearing creeping back in. It's not present all the time. I don't obsess over my obstetrical track record. However, the frustration has started to rear its head again. Frankly, even with my track record, I expected to be pregnant again by now. First, our attempts to conceive a 4th got sidetracked by the roller coaster ride Vic's diabetes took us on. Now, even a year+ after removing my Mirena, my cycles aren't the lovely clockwork cycles I use to have. I've had a few lovely 28 day cycles but most of them have hovered around 26 days with a few as short as 24 days long. Is it age causing this? Is it a long term effect of the Mirena? Or, is it just my body fucking with me? Who knows which is the right answer. All I do know is it is frustrating as hell. Throw in ummm, errr diabetic issues (and, no, I won't say more) and it feels like the universe is conspiring against us. I believe, given money, I could be pregnant with minimal ART treatments. However, we don't have the money and, frankly, I have three beautiful, wonderful boys so it isn't worth the heartache and the roller coaster of emotions even being evaluated for ART procedures bring about.

I feel like a total shit sitting here and bitching about problems conceiving a 4th child when some of the most wonderful people I know (irl and in the computer) don't have even one. So, I'm sorry if this bitchfest bothers you. It's just that hoping and wishing for a fourth and not making it there yet has brought back these feelings. I also feel bad bitching about this when, truthfully, my life is pretty frakin' great...but, damn it, I WANT MORE.


Kymberli said...

The truth, my friend, is that the decision to have another baby should be as simple as that - plan to get pregnant and actually DO get pregnant with nothing more than sperm meeting egg in Health 101 way that it was supposed to. When our ability for it to happen like that is isn't possible, we have every right to bitch about it whether we're trying for our first child or our tenth. It's what our bodies are SUPPOSED to do and they can't! It's okay to be angry and frustrated about, my friend.

Calliope said...

Kymberli says it so well. The fact that most of us can't just "go make a baby" without a team of doctors involved sucks. I think just being robbed of a certain kind of innocence is hard as well.

Mrs. Gamgee said...

Whether you're trying for your first or your fifteenth... when you have IF issues, it's always a battle to maintain that emotional equalibrium. Like Kymberli said... it should be that easy.

Sending prayers and warm thoughts your way!

Barb said...

It feels like life is always a lot harder than you planned huh? It's a struggle, but I'm glad for our blessings. Lots of hugs.

Another Dreamer said...

Hun, I know I am certainly not judging you for wanting a fourth... and boo to anyone who does. Infertility doesn't care if you have none, or twenty. Even if I have a child, my battle would continue, my struggle for a second would be no less painful.

I hate how nothing ever quite works out how we planned, it's hard. (*hugs*)

WiseGuy said...

Kristin...I love your sensitivity. I do.

Yes, somebody like me is bound to say...what crap? She wants to bitch about her fourth when I have been carrying a torch for a first for five years now?

But you know what....I know that people who can love, care for, provide food, water, shelter, good parenting, great education and nurturing must be able to realize their dream for having as many kids as they want to.

I hope that your dream for a fourth is about to be realized.

Emma said...

I know exactly how you feel, Kristin. We longed for a fourth child too, and tried to conceive for four years with no success. In my case my cycle had become monstrously painful and I was menstruating two weeks out of every four. It sucked big time! I have made my peace with having three children (though future pets already have their names picked out, LOL) but I understand the longing, and I know the guilty feeling of wanting a fourth when others have none.

I am praying that you achieve your dream.

Quiet Dreams said...

You love and give so extravagantly, why shouldn't your dreams be extravagant as well?

Wishing for you all the extravagant blessings your heart desires.

Stacia said...

Please read how IVF medications led to my breast cancer and how a breast cancer study using genetic testing to check estrogen metabolism is saving my life. Please share my story with all women who have used or are considering IVF, HRT and anyone with estrogen positive breast cancer.