If you want to make God laugh, just tell him your plans. I have heard this phrase in so many contexts and, the more I think about it, the more truth I see in this phrase.
Once upon a time, I had it all planned out. I originally planned on 3 children which then became a plan for 4 children. I had my first son when I was 27 years old. "Surely ," I thought, "with the fertility in my family, I should be able to pop out a kid every 2 to 3 years." Even with 4 kids and the maximum spacing, I would have been done by the time I was 36. By that point in time, my husband would be either a Battalion Chief or Deputy Chief with the fire department.
Instead, it took almost 4 years to have my second child and another 5 years beyond that to finally be blessed with our third child. And, my husband isn't even with the fire department anymore and, in addition to the knee injury that medically retired him from fire fighting, my hubby has to fight with diabetes every day. Don't get me wrong, my life is good. My children are healthy. I'm married to my soulmate and he has a good job. It's just that it has been a really rough ride to get to this point. Most of the time, I don't even have a lot of angst regarding infertility and all the losses we had to deal with. After all, if I hadn't gone through that, I wouldn't have Gabe.
Lately, I've found a little of that angst regarding my fertility and child bearing creeping back in. It's not present all the time. I don't obsess over my obstetrical track record. However, the frustration has started to rear its head again. Frankly, even with my track record, I expected to be pregnant again by now. First, our attempts to conceive a 4th got sidetracked by the roller coaster ride Vic's diabetes took us on. Now, even a year+ after removing my Mirena, my cycles aren't the lovely clockwork cycles I use to have. I've had a few lovely 28 day cycles but most of them have hovered around 26 days with a few as short as 24 days long. Is it age causing this? Is it a long term effect of the Mirena? Or, is it just my body fucking with me? Who knows which is the right answer. All I do know is it is frustrating as hell. Throw in ummm, errr diabetic issues (and, no, I won't say more) and it feels like the universe is conspiring against us. I believe, given money, I could be pregnant with minimal ART treatments. However, we don't have the money and, frankly, I have three beautiful, wonderful boys so it isn't worth the heartache and the roller coaster of emotions even being evaluated for ART procedures bring about.
I feel like a total shit sitting here and bitching about problems conceiving a 4th child when some of the most wonderful people I know (irl and in the computer) don't have even one. So, I'm sorry if this bitchfest bothers you. It's just that hoping and wishing for a fourth and not making it there yet has brought back these feelings. I also feel bad bitching about this when, truthfully, my life is pretty frakin' great...but, damn it, I WANT MORE.