"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. " -Helen Keller

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Is this my last first?

Mel's post about firsts got me thinking, especially when she talked about how having twins often means that things like your first first day of school is also your last first day of school. Now, I don't have twins (obviously) but I do have a little guy who had his first day of pre-school on Wednesday. I knew this day was coming. Hell, I have been looking forward to it. But, I thought I would have another one in the wings by now. And, I didn't think this would be my last first day of school. But, the more I think about it and the more time passes, the more I think that all the upcoming firsts for Gabe will be my last firsts.

It's been so long since we thought about trying for a final child...maybe not that long in the grand scheme of things but long in terms of reproductive life. I'm 40 (soon to be 41) and my hubby just turned 51. If we had another baby, I would be nearly 60 and Vic would be pushing 70 before that child would be almost on his own. I'm not sure I really want to go there. We are at the stage that life with the kids is starting to get easier in many ways. Hell, life with kids is never completely easy but, next year, all three would be in school full time. I might actually be able to reclaim my house (HAH, like that will ever happen). But, then I see a picture or meet a friend's child and I think "what if?"

Sigh, I'm not sure I'm quite ready for these firsts to also be lasts but it looks like it's moving that way.

13 comments:

battynurse said...

I hope your able to completely enjoy all of Gabe's firsts even if they are your last firsts.

nancy said...

I'm not ready to have all of karl's firsts to be my last firsts, but here I am. It's a big bummer.

I think its easier on me since I know I'm done and I can truly appreciate these being my last firsts. When I was going through all of allison's firsts, I didn't ”mourn” them being my lasts. And then the ttc #3 started to get hairy and the fact that I may not get a chance to have another baby started creeping in and I felt gyped. I didn't appreciate allison's firsts as my last firsts. Instead I pushed those feelings aside assuming I'd have another baby. But now that I have Karl, I'm appreciating his firsts as my last firsts. I no longer feel like I've missed out. Does that make sense?

Another Dreamer said...

Aww, hun (*hugs*)

Enjoy these firsts in case they're the last. But I hope that you get your heart's desire- whatever it is.

Mrs. Gamgee said...

I am sorry that this is such a bittersweet time for you. Sending hugs and prayers your way, my friend.

erika said...

Ohh, I am sorry this is so hard on you, but I can clearly see why.

(((HUGS))) to you.

Thanks for visiting my blog, and thank you for teh encouragment!!!

Emma said...

Poor girl! I have had this same conversation with myself. We had planned four, but nature didn't agree. It made all Joshua's firsts bittersweet. We're resigned to it now, but I am still trying to bonsai my 'baby'. ((hugs))

..Soo.See.. said...

Awe!! I know how it feels to not know if these firsts are the last. And while it isn't fun to feel this way, it makes me feel better than I'm not alone, and in the same manner neither are you, in thinking/feeling this way!! The only way I've been able to reconcile it, is just enjoy it and live it to the fullest and not think about it being the last first. Honestly, it doesn't always work, but it helps me to make sure I stay in the moment and not let my thoughts and worries overtake the first. HUGE HUGS!!!!

Kakunaa said...

Knowing that for us, our first will very likey be our last means that I am going to try and appreciate every moment...but the bittersweet of it does not escape me. And I hope that you are able to enjoy it at the same time as you mourn your little boy growing up. HUGS.

Quiet Dreams said...

I hope you're able to be fully present for all those special moments, whether they're last, first, or somewhere in between.

MrsSpock said...

This is something I am thinking about a lot, as I don't know if the team of specialists that manage all of my physical implosions will "allow" another pregnancy.

mom2manyblessings said...

I play that game with myself all the time. I was 42 when I had Adam and I was constantly thinking "I'll be 60 when he graduates high school, 64 for college, etc." Now 2 yrs later, I ocntinue to play that game when I think about another child. On the one hand it would be nice to move on to the next phase of life, but on the other hand I'm not sure I'm ready to be done with little ones. (((Hugs))) sweetie and enjoy all these firsts you are experiencing with Gabe regardless of whether they are you last firsts.

Lynn said...

It's bittersweet, isn't it? Experiencing the joy of their firsts, while seeing all those potential firsts with another child peter out. I feel this with my nieces. The oldest is a junior this year and the youngest is in the third grade. If we never have our own, their firsts may be my last as well. I understand your pain to an extent, hun. Sending hugs to you!

Barb said...

Hugs. I understand.