"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. " -Helen Keller

Thursday, March 29, 2012

10 Reasons I Know God Isn't A Woman (we're up to 11)

I recently had a revelation. There is no way God is a woman. Now, I know there are some of you screaming about the heresy. After all, God can be anything God wants to be. And, I'm sure there are a lot of you feminists screaming, "Why can't God be a woman? Women can do anything." I'm here to tell you that the proof is irrefutable. God is not a woman and here's why...
  1. If God was a woman, we'd have an on/off switch for our uterus. That way, we wouldn't have to bleed like a stuck pig once a month. Just think, flip the switch to off until we want to start trying for a family and then flip it on.
  2. If God was a woman, we wouldn't have to give birth by squeezing a bowling ball through our hooha. Instead, we'd all have a camouflaged zipper in our abdomen and the OB would just unzip it when it was time for the baby to come out and zip us back up afterward.
  3. Then, look at the bladder discrepancy. On a day to day basis, the average male's bladder is twice the size of the average females bladder. But, that all ends with pregnancy. By 8 months along, the small female bladder has been squeezed and squished down to the size of a pencil...and that pencil gets flattened to the thickness of a paper every time we sneeze or the baby moves. There is no way a woman God would have done that to us.
  4. If God were a woman, the men in our lives would also wake up every time a baby cries at night or a child stirs. Seriously, what woman can sleep through a baby screaming over a baby monitor put right next to their ear like Vic did when Marty was 3 months old? Further proof that God is not a woman.
  5. FROM RYS: If God was a woman, we wouldn't have menopause. The switch would be flipped off, simple as that. No hot flashes, no going dry down there. The switch is just never able to flip on again. Just because you're done with that part of life shouldn't mean you should never enjoy sex again, particularly since men never suffer the same thing!
  6. FROM MRS. GAMGEE: The ever-so-hard-to-achieve female orgasm (particularly in comparison with a male orgasm). If God were a woman, it wouldn't be so elusive.
  7. FROM ST. ELSEWHERE: If God was a woman, she would have put an expiration date on sperm too.
  8. FROM ST. ELSEWHERE: If God was a woman, she would have known how painful hair removal is, and there would be no hair in the ahem places.
  9. FROM ST. ELSEWHERE: If God was a woman, men would have had as tough post-puberty phenomenon as women do.
  10. FROM ST. ELSEWHERE: If God was a woman, breastfeeding would be a shared function between men and women
  11. FROM BEAUTIFUL MESS: God isn't a woman because if he were, we wouldn't remember EVERY little thing that has hurt us. We'd probably be able to let it go too...
All right y'all, I need more examples. A good list needs 10 reasons and I'm sadly short of that standard. So, tell me reasons why you know God is not a woman.