What IF?

What if I hadn't been affected by infertility?

I've always known I was going to have at least three children and, since I was pregnant with my second son, I became convinced that I was suppose to have 4 kids. Then infertility hit and it was a struggle to even get my third son here. Looking back at what we went through gets me thinking and the unanswerable questions rear their heads. Looking forward seems to offer just as many opportunities for contemplation and confusion. Infertility changes your life forever and sometimes seems to leave you with more questions than answers.

Looking back...

When I was pregnant with my oldest, we were living in a very small apartment. Back then, my in-laws offered us a house...the same house we are now living in. It seemed like a wonderful opportunity. We would be renting to own, paying less than market value, and there would be no worries about financing. Hell, it even had a fenced in back yard for our dog. But, something told us to say no. It was more than the fact that we lived near our friends and our church. It just didn't feel like the right move to make.
What if we had taken the house back then? If we had moved to Cary back then, I wouldn't have had the wonderful OB that I had. My OB and his wife had been infertility patients themselves. He got just how hard it was to go through it. He was willing to order whatever tests I needed. He was open to all kinds of treatments. And, we did it all without a referral to an RE. Would Gabe have ever been born without me being under the care of that wonderful man? While Gabe can sometimes drive me crazy, he is a sweet, wonderful boy who makes me melt and I can't imagine life without him.

What if we hadn't lost our daughter in the summer of 2004? Would we still have had Gabe or would our family be completely different? I can't even fathom how that would change everything.

What if we hadn't experienced infertility? Would we have had our fourth child before Vic was diagnosed with diabetes? Diabetes issues put our trying to conceive plans on hold and have thrown up road blocks I couldn't have imagined.

Looking forward...

What if we never have that fourth child that I so strongly believe is suppose to be here? Will I always wonder about how things might have been different?

What if we do have a fourth child but, because of the delays caused by IF, my husband isn't around when that child grows up? I'm 40. Vic is 50. We're pushing the reproductive envelope here.

I can't let the What ifs dominate my thoughts or paralyze me when it comes to thinking about the future. I can't imagine life without the exact 3 children we have and I can't imagine my life without the friends I have made because of infertility. Instead of letting the What ifs be heavy chains that weigh down my soul, I chose to see them as butterflies that flit through and remind me to be thankful for what I have.

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Bloggers from the ALI (Adoption, Loss, Infertility) community are writing about WhatIfs for National Infertility Awareness Week, April 24 to May 1. To add your own thoughts, link here or here.

This post is part of the Bloggers Unite Project. For more on infertility, see Resolve.

Pssssst...I stole the phrasing for this last paragraph from Lori.