"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. " -Helen Keller

Sunday, April 10, 2005

I have to start my lovenox shots...

and thats got me scared. Since its after midnight my time, I am offically 5 weeks 4 days and I have to start the shots before I hit 6 weeks since that is when the placenta starts establishing itself and clotting can become an issue. Its not giving myself the shots that bothers me. I think its the fact that when I start the shots, I have to make the mental leap of acknowledging this pregnancy is real...that is has potential. Once I start those shots, there is no more distancing myself...no more protecting myself. I'm scared to death this won't work. Hell, I'm becoming positively neurotic. I'm so neurotic about this that I broke down and tested AGAIN tonight at 11. It hasn't even been 24 hours since I tested last. You would think that the fact that the test line showed up in 15 seconds...before the control line showed up...would give me some comfort but it doesn't. I don't think I'll believe it until I hold this baby in my arms. I use to say my comfort zone began when we saw the heartbeat...well, last summer's loss shot that to shit. I don't think I have a point that I might start to feel secure. While all my losses have been first trimester, I have had dear friends who lost their babies in the last few weeks of pregnancy...so even that stage scares me a bit. Right now I wish I could go to sleep and wake up in about 8 months...when this baby is due. It might be the only way I make it through this.

I hate being this scared. I'm scared to hope and I'm scared not to...anyone have any ideas about how to keep the fear under control?


Lioness said...

I envision the worst scenario and then my surviving it. And then what do you know, had a chance to see if it works IRL. We can survive anything, is what I'm learning. So that helps keep the fear to a minimum. The rest is damage control and STOP therapy - your thoughts are strayin in a particular direction, STOP! No need for extra aggor is there, life takes care of that. So baby steps, STOP therapy, right now for me chick films help, Bridget Jones 2 and the likes, they do help. And Blackadder, Fawlty Towers, 'Allo 'Allo, etc. Anything that makes my body think we are amused - and it will if you so much as sketch a smile even if you think your heart will break - I'm game.

Rambling. Hope some of this made some sense.

Lioness said...

Aggor = agro = agravation, sorry abt that.

Dee said...

I don't know how helpful this is but, for me, I try to think about all that I've been through so far (particularly the bad things) and how I've made it through every thing that life has thrown at me.

Sure, those things have sucked, and hurt more than I could have ever imagined, but I've made it through to the other side. Different perhaps, but those things have helped make me who I am. So I've developed a better realization of just how strong I am, how much I am willing to do and endure to bring this baby into the world, and how I can get through just about anything if I set my mind to it.

I think you've had your share of ups and downs too...and I'm wishing and hoping that your current pg is one big up, for the next 8 months and long beyond.

Emma said...

I'm sorry I can't suggest anything to help with the fear... I wish I could.

Hopefully you'll have plenty to keep your mind busy and occupied. I love the idea of watching happy films, it can't hurt to try to be happy and positive.

We're all thinking about you,