and thats got me scared. Since its after midnight my time, I am offically 5 weeks 4 days and I have to start the shots before I hit 6 weeks since that is when the placenta starts establishing itself and clotting can become an issue. Its not giving myself the shots that bothers me. I think its the fact that when I start the shots, I have to make the mental leap of acknowledging this pregnancy is real...that is has potential. Once I start those shots, there is no more distancing myself...no more protecting myself. I'm scared to death this won't work. Hell, I'm becoming positively neurotic. I'm so neurotic about this that I broke down and tested AGAIN tonight at 11. It hasn't even been 24 hours since I tested last. You would think that the fact that the test line showed up in 15 seconds...before the control line showed up...would give me some comfort but it doesn't. I don't think I'll believe it until I hold this baby in my arms. I use to say my comfort zone began when we saw the heartbeat...well, last summer's loss shot that to shit. I don't think I have a point that I might start to feel secure. While all my losses have been first trimester, I have had dear friends who lost their babies in the last few weeks of pregnancy...so even that stage scares me a bit. Right now I wish I could go to sleep and wake up in about 8 months...when this baby is due. It might be the only way I make it through this.
I hate being this scared. I'm scared to hope and I'm scared not to...anyone have any ideas about how to keep the fear under control?