"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. " -Helen Keller

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Shit, shit, shit...

Despite all my reproductive issues, the one thing I could always count on was having a normal, regular cycle. This last cycle was NOT normal for me. I always have a 28 day cycle and I ovulate on day 13 or 14. This last cycle was only 23 days. I ovulate on day 12 but that still makes my cycle fucked up this time.

Oh shit, I thought we had finally solved the problem. Why does my fucking body have to throw me a curve ball now? Why? Maybe it was a fluke...thats what I'm trying to tell myself...but the infertile part of my mind is screaming at me. Its screaming ugly words like perimenopause and worsening LPD. I know its not rational but then what about this whole process is.

My lack of rationality is extending to other areas too. The idea that I won't get successfully pregnant unless I give away all our stored baby supplies has become firmly entrenched in my brain. Its so entrenched that I felt like panicking when my husband said we should hold onto the crib matress a little while longer and not give it away. It feels like keeping a major item like that is waving a red flag in the face of Hope (that bitch)...just asking her to slap me down.

Can any of you talk any sense into me? Please


Suz said...

You know, I tell myself that I'm being irrational all the time and it still does me no good. But all the same, I would hate to see you give away all those baby items only to have to buy new later. That having been said, I read something about needing to replace baby mattresses and new cribs are safer than the older items (depending on how old your's are). Could you put the materials out of sight / out of mind in the attic or loan them to a friend? It's assvice, but I hope it helps. Take care of yourself.

Julianna said...

Wow! Suz gave great advice - I second what she said.

I'm just glad you are posting again, I was wondering if you were still sick.

One day off or not for your period is nothing to worry about - you are not a clock. Be kind to yourself.

Take care.

Ana said...

I'm sure it was just a fluke like you said and I agree with Julianna, you are not a clock! Don't give everything away right away but maybe store them somewhere like Suz said.

The Lioness said...

Well, you have been having a pretty rough time lately and that can easily upset one's cycle. So yes, maybe this was just a fluke.

Mattresses, all of them, have a short life span - or should anyway - bcs they build up a life supply of mites. So do pillows for the matter. (That's why they should be vaccumed thoroughly and put out in the sun often but that's not enough to kill all of them). Mites can cause allergic reactions (itching, headaches, general malaise) so I say NUKE the old mattress, for sure. It's probably too old. As for the crib, check out the model and security standards nowadays. If it's still considered safe, store it at someone's house, like Suz said, you can always throw it away later.

I think that, wehereas it's important not to develop too many irrational superstitions or we'll just turn into neurotic non-funcyioning wrecks, a bit of irrationality is par for the course, what's wrong w it? It's our minds trying to control the uncontrollable, I'm all for it. If it makes you feel better to have stuff out of the house, godspeed!

Glad to see you back. Also v much enjoyed your judicious use of FUCK. Bcs fuck me if you're not entitled to a good old-fashioned tantrum!