"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. " -Helen Keller

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

I've been feeling very out of sorts today...

warning...long, rambling self-absorbed post to follow

and I'm not entirely sure as to the cause. I sure some of it can be chalked up to the weather. We've gone from temps in the 50s to a cold rainy, sleety day with temps in the mid 30s. While I love rain and I really like a good thunderstorm, I do not like days that are cold, rainy, and dreary all day long.

I think the other thing that is causing me to be out of sorts today is that we are back to actively TTC. I had been wrestling a bit about whether I really and truly wanted to get back on this roller coaster. The post on Tertia's blog today made me really think about it and I realized that without a doubt I do want at least one more child. So, being back to TTC is cause for celebration but it is also cause for fear. The fact is, I conceive easily...6 pregnancies in 26 months testifies to that. However, those same 6 pregnancies all ended in losses. That is what causes the fear. What if the lovenox doesn't make a difference? What if we actually see a heartbeat again and lose the pregnancy anyway? What if we never see another heartbeat and just have many very early losses? What if? What if? What if? I truly HATE what if!

I long for the days when I blissfully assumed a pregnancy meant a baby. I remember one time back about 7 yrs ago...my oldest was only a little more than a year. I was at a preschool playground (for the kids I was a nanny to) and was talking to another mom. The fact that she was struggling with secondary infertility came up* and I remember thinking "I get pregnant so easily. That will never be me." How I wish I could believe that again. Right now, I even envy those of you who have managed to have a normal, uneventful pregnancy after suffering through infertility.** I would desperately love to go through one pregnancy without a disaster or near disaster occuring. So far, I have managed to deal with pre-eclampsia (1st successful pg), unexplained bleeding (2nd successful pg), 2 emergency c-sections (one much more emergent than the other), undiagnosed partial previa (long story, not docs fault) which resulted in uncontrolled bleeding at 36 weeks, 4 D&Cs, 4 chemical pregnancies (fucking hate that term), and aspirational pneumonia (caused by my 2nd emergent c/s). Toss in the LPD and the clotting disorder and I have an OB file thick enough to belong to an 80 yr old. At this point, if all I have to do during my next pregnancy is stick progesterone up my twat and stitck a needle into my thigh daily, I will consider that normal and uncomplicated. Please dear God...next time around, no cramps, no spotting, and, most of all, a healthy baby.

I really, really need to go pound fence posts but the weather isn't cooperating.

*to the lady I was talking to...if I said anything stupid, I humbly beg your forgiveness
**yes, I know I have two kids to be thankful for and I am. That does not mitigate the other feelings I have.


Jen P said...

Kristin, I so hope there's another successful pregnancy in your future. And one filled with joy and delight and no more agony or hurt and fear.

I still feel so much envy and wish my pregnancy could just be 'normal' like I'm told my SIL's is. Gah. I am grateful to be pg but OMG...can't those us of with losses just get it a LITTLE easier?!

And my file at the OB's office is huge...You'd think I'd have 10 kids with the size of the file.

Wishing you the best and hoping for some beautiful news for you.

Emma said...

If it counts for anything there are a lot of people out there wishing you well.

Good luck with everything!

The Lioness said...

Kirstin, you are one of the most caring, sweet women I know. I really hope you will get your child, I do.

Julianna said...

My comment didn't post yesterday!

Thinking of you, my dear.

I hope you are well.

sweetisu said...

I hope your next pregnancy will be successful, uneventful, and bring you a healthy baby girl!!! (if a girl is what you'd like)

I hear you on how the weather affects us. We got 6 whopping inches of snow yesterday!