I've been feeling very out of sorts today...

warning...long, rambling self-absorbed post to follow

and I'm not entirely sure as to the cause. I sure some of it can be chalked up to the weather. We've gone from temps in the 50s to a cold rainy, sleety day with temps in the mid 30s. While I love rain and I really like a good thunderstorm, I do not like days that are cold, rainy, and dreary all day long.

I think the other thing that is causing me to be out of sorts today is that we are back to actively TTC. I had been wrestling a bit about whether I really and truly wanted to get back on this roller coaster. The post on Tertia's blog today made me really think about it and I realized that without a doubt I do want at least one more child. So, being back to TTC is cause for celebration but it is also cause for fear. The fact is, I conceive easily...6 pregnancies in 26 months testifies to that. However, those same 6 pregnancies all ended in losses. That is what causes the fear. What if the lovenox doesn't make a difference? What if we actually see a heartbeat again and lose the pregnancy anyway? What if we never see another heartbeat and just have many very early losses? What if? What if? What if? I truly HATE what if!

I long for the days when I blissfully assumed a pregnancy meant a baby. I remember one time back about 7 yrs ago...my oldest was only a little more than a year. I was at a preschool playground (for the kids I was a nanny to) and was talking to another mom. The fact that she was struggling with secondary infertility came up* and I remember thinking "I get pregnant so easily. That will never be me." How I wish I could believe that again. Right now, I even envy those of you who have managed to have a normal, uneventful pregnancy after suffering through infertility.** I would desperately love to go through one pregnancy without a disaster or near disaster occuring. So far, I have managed to deal with pre-eclampsia (1st successful pg), unexplained bleeding (2nd successful pg), 2 emergency c-sections (one much more emergent than the other), undiagnosed partial previa (long story, not docs fault) which resulted in uncontrolled bleeding at 36 weeks, 4 D&Cs, 4 chemical pregnancies (fucking hate that term), and aspirational pneumonia (caused by my 2nd emergent c/s). Toss in the LPD and the clotting disorder and I have an OB file thick enough to belong to an 80 yr old. At this point, if all I have to do during my next pregnancy is stick progesterone up my twat and stitck a needle into my thigh daily, I will consider that normal and uncomplicated. Please dear God...next time around, no cramps, no spotting, and, most of all, a healthy baby.

I really, really need to go pound fence posts but the weather isn't cooperating.

*to the lady I was talking to...if I said anything stupid, I humbly beg your forgiveness
**yes, I know I have two kids to be thankful for and I am. That does not mitigate the other feelings I have.