After reading all the wonderful blogs out there, I feel like I should have something wonderfully pithy and witty to say...but I don't. All that keeps running through my mind is how much infertility sucks. My battles with infertility have not only robbed me of my babies, its robbed me of so many things. It has robbed me of the innocent joy of pregnancy and I can no longer go into pregnancy with the faith that all will turn out ok. Hell no...each BFP I've gotten has ushered me into a world of stark terror. Infertility has robbed my of the sheer delight I should feel when I find out a friend is pregnant. Yeah...I am happy for them...but there is always that small, dark place in me that is filled with jealousy. I fucking hate that. I'm not sure which is worse...the jealousy or the feeling of shame I get because I am resentful and jealous. I feel like I should be able to be a better person and be able to separate my friends experiences from mine...but I just can't.
But, you know what, as horrible as this whole journey has been, there have been some benefits as well. I have always loved and treasured the two boys I do have but, since suffering through all our losses, I think I treasure the little moments with my boys even more. This journey has also truly shown me what a wonderful group of friends I have. My dear friend Jennifer has sat and cried with me for each baby I have had to say good bye to. My friends Pam and Christa dropped everything, packed up there kids, and came to visit, clean, and keep me company. My friends from the Cross Stitch Board put together a beautiful quilt in memory of all of my angels. And my husband...he has grieved with me over the children we've lost and whole heartedly supports me in my quest for answers so we can have another baby. Without the love and support of all these wonderful people, I don't know where I would be right now.