"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. " -Helen Keller

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Asshat comments from good people...

Why? Why do people who love you and want the best for you say some of the stupidest things?

After our loss last November, my mom said "You just get excited too early?" Ummm...'scuse me mom...I know you are just trying to protect me. I know you don't want to see me in pain..but what the hell am I suppose to do? Am I suppose to start a pregnancy thinking this one isn't going to work? When someone wants a baby as much as I do, as much as we do, you can't turn off the hope. You hope and pray that this time its the one. You get excited because you are pregnant again. I don't need someone saying "You get excited too soon" when we suffer through yet another loss. I just need you to say "I am so very sorry."

After the same loss, about two months after, my dad called me and told me he had had a dream about us. And, in that dream, someone told him that if I spent the next 18 months getting into the best shape I possibly could that I would then conceive and birth the little girl I had been dreaming of. I know my dad was trying to reassure me...but I wanted to hang up the fucking phone. That kind of comment makes me feel like all our losses are my fault. Damn it, I know I'm fat...I don't nee my dad tying it to our efforts to get pregnant.

And my sister-in-law, she married a man who is older and has had a vasectomy so children aren't in the picture for them. I can accept that part of her might regret this but don't tell me that there is no reason I should be so desperate to have another child. Don't fricking tell me how I should feel!

What really sucks is that I feel bad about resenting these comments. I feel like I should be able to let them roll off my back. I CAN'T! I love these people dearly. I would never want to be without them. But I wish they would shut the fuck up sometimes.


chris said...

Hey. You are so right.

By the way, I just got your comments on my blog. Who are they sending you to in CH?

sweetisu said...

I hear you, loud and clear... See here.Yea..just SHUT UP already!

erthsister said...

I hear you. Even women in my women's group sometimes say some stupid, idiotically hurtful things when they are trying to be comforting regarding my IF. I think I just have to *retrain* them to NOT--for God's sake--offer me any advice.

It's made me more aware of how much we assume about other people's lives, and how clumsy we can be in trying to give comfort. That well-meant "comfort" can be so painful and infuriating. Can I say in sympathy "aaaaaaaaaarrrrgh!!!"