Barren Bitches Book Brigade: Moose by Stephanie Klein

Welcome to the twentieth tour of the Barren Bitches Book Brigade--a book club from the comfort of your own living room. Today we are discussing Moose by Stephanie Klein. Grab a cup of coffee and, when you are done reading my review, you can hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at Stirrup Queens. You can also sign up for the next book in this online book club: It Sucked and Then I Cried... by Heather Armstrong (aka Dooce).

Unlike most of the books read by the Barren Bitches, Moose has nothing to do at all with infertility. Moose discusses author Stephanie Klein's struggles with her weight as a child and how those struggles affect all areas of her life. I identified with the struggles in this book in many ways. As an adult, my weight has been an issue. My body doesn't conform with society's standard for beauty. Most days, this isn't an issue. However, there are days when my weight maddens me. I see other people exercise a bit and moderate their diet slightly and they have no trouble losing weight and there have been times I have counted every calorie and exercised like a fiend and I didn't drop a pound. Sure, I dropped inches but the gain in muscle mass during those times actually caused my weight to go up. Having my body fight me at every turn can be infuriating. I also ran across that frustration with my body when my husband and I were struggling to have our third child. Despite all the efforts on our part, for the longest time, my body just wouldn't function the way it was suppose to function. It was maddening, frustrating, and just plain crazy making. Having my body refuse to behave the way thousands upon millions of other women's bodies worked played with my emotions and made me question my self worth in much the same way Ms. Klein did during her struggles with her weight.

Moose takes you back into the halls of secondary education and exposes you to the emotional roller coaster ridden by a young woman who doesn't fit society's beauty image. Despite the fact that this journey can hit way to close to home for some of us, it is a thoroughly enjoyable read. Take a chance and add this to your reading list.

Reading about Ms. Klein's journey through her middle school years and how others' opinions of her weight and appearance affected her has reinforced my decision to do my best to make sure my children have a strong but realistic self image.

Now, for the questions...

What from your childhood led to a positive body image? And what, if anything, caused you to struggle with your own body image? I was lucky and have a wonderful set of parents who always told me I was wonderful and beautiful even on the days I doubted it. Having that to fall back on is a boost to my body image even now when I way far more than I should. My body image has take hits in other areas. For years, I was teased horribly about my hair. My mom has stick straight hair and didn't have a clue how to deal with curly hair. As a result, my hair had its ummm, errrr interesting moments while I was growing up. While we lived in Hawaii, my hair caused me to get targeted and I was frequently called ugly nicknames like birds nest because of it. For many years, this caused me to HATE my hair and that meant I wasn't too fond of the rest of myself. These seem like little, trivial things but it is amazing how long throwaway comments like that can stay with you.

Stephanie Klein writes "Years later I'd feel slightly superior because I'd once been fat. That's the thing...when asked if I'd change my past if I could, I think for a moment and always answer no. There's something...that just makes it mildly worth it. Because a sensitivity is tattooed on a part of you no one else can see but can somehow guess is there. It's always with you." How do you relate to this with regards to infertility? I don't think going through infertility has ever made me feel superior. IF sucks and there is no way around it. However, being exposed to infertility, suffering through it, brings you an awareness and sensitivity that can be invaluable in other areas of your life. Most people who have been through infertility or loss are more aware of the nuances of another person's reaction to children and questions about family. This level of awareness can help you avoid hurt feelings and can even lead you to offering emotional support or (in some cases) medical advice you might not have thought to offer otherwise. A big part of me wishes I had never gone through all the losses I experienced but I can't imagine having all the wonderful friends I have made through infertility missing from my life. I wrote a post called Reflections about this very idea last year.

In this book, Stephanie Klein describes different types of female friendships. From Leigh who she doesn't fully come clean to about how much weight she lost, to Kate who she chooses over a guy. Who is a presence in your life who brings out the best or worst in you? I am very picky about who I call a friend. As a result, I can't say I have anyone in my life who brings out the worst in me. When I was younger (much), I did have people I considered friends who played on my insecurities but, as I got older, I discovered enough strength and self worth to separate myself from people like that. Now, I surround myself with people like my friend Jennifer who is the epitome of sweetness, generosity, and resilience. Having her in my life encourages those tendencies in myself. And, my friend Rys is someone special too. She has encouraged me to believe in my own artistic abilities and has always been available to support me when I needed it most. Someone like that can't help but encourage you to be a better person.

Once again, hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at Stirrup Queens (above this one). You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: It Sucked and Then I Cried... by Heather Armstrong (aka Dooce).

Barren Bitches Book Brigade: Navigating The Land Of IF by Melissa Ford

Welcome to the ninteenth tour of the Barren Bitches Book Brigade--a book club from the comfort of your own living room. Today we are discussing Navigating the Land of IF by our very own Melissa Ford, stirrup queen extraordinaire. Grab a cup of coffee and, when you are done reading my review, you can hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at Stirrup Queens. You can also sign up for the next book in this online book club: Moose by Stephanie Klein.

I can not begin to say just how wonderful this book is. It covers everything and gives you a jumping off point from which the exploration and understanding of your own particular brand of infertility can begin. I truly think the most fabulous part of this book is the fact that the amazing Melissa incorporates tons of facts and documentation and still manages to inject humor into the situation. Even when you are immersed in your battle against infertility, reading medical facts can get boring and Melissa's book never crosses that line. Thank you thank you thank you for writing a book that should be a part of every infertile's library. In fact, if you have lost more than 2 pregnancies in a row or have made an appointment with an RE or even just signed off on getting infertility testing, GO BUY THIS BOOK (See, the directions are a handy little link. Now, go buy it. I'll wait until you get back.)

Now, on to the questions...

Did you read the book from front to back, or did you turn immediately to a certain chapter? If so, which chapter? Are there any chapters that you purposely avoided? I read the book from front to back. Since I have already received my diagnosis, I was reading the book to experience it. I wanted to see how Melissa presented the information in it and how it compared to other books about infertility. And, Navigating The Land Of IF far surpassed other infertility books both in the quantity and quality of the information passed on.

Mel weaves the navigating theme throughout the book. How have you navigated your own infertility journey? Discuss some of the highs and lows of your personal journey and ways you saw your story as you were reading the book. I didn't always have the smoothest journey through my battle with secondary infertility. I remember that after my 3rd miscarriage (but 2nd miscarriage in a row) that a friend on a bulletin board told me that I should get my progesterone checked because my losses seemed to be classic cases of progesterone issues (or Luteal Phase Defect) . I was still in major denial and didn't want to hear it. If I had listened to her then, I might have avoided one or two of the losses I suffered through. And, the sheer number of losses I went through contributed greatly to the depression I spiraled into. Luckily, I only needed a few months of antidepressants to deal with it.

If you are a reader of Melissa's blog, did you find the book to be a same or different style and why? I do read Melissa's blog, Stirrup Queens, and the book definitely has the same voice as the blog. She is frank, funny, and honest about all the ramifications of infertility. She truly conveys how horrible infertility can be but at the same time she puts a friendly face on it. Its a face you can look at and say, "Infertility sucks but that person would be a pretty damned good companion on the journey."


Now do yourself a favor and GO BUY MELISSA'S BOOK before you hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at Stirrup Queens.

Barren Bitches Book Brigade: The Red Tent by Anita Diamant

Welcome to the eighteenth tour of the Barren Bitches Book Brigade--a book club from the comfort of your own living room. Today we are discussing The Red Tent by Anita Diamant. Grab a cup of coffee and, when you are done reading my review, you can hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at Stirrup Queens. You can also sign up for the next book in this online book club: Navigating the Land of IF by our very own Melissa Ford, stirrup queen extraordinaire.

I have to be honest. When I initially picked up this book, I had to force myself to pick it up. It seemed like it was going to be an overly serious book and I just didn't think I was in the mood for something deep. But, once I started reading it I couldn't put it down. It was a phenomenal book. It took a story anyone who has been exposed to religion knows, the story of Jacob and his wives, and tells it from a totally unexpected perspective. It is quite obvious that the author put a lot of time, effort, and love into this book.

Ms. Diamant does a brilliant job of drawing us into Dinah's life and world. She includes all kinds of little details that make this trip into the past seem so real. Even if you aren't religious, take some time to read this book. It isn't preachy. Equal time is given to mentioning and discussing the other religions and beliefs of the day. But, mostly, it is a fantastic story.

Now, on to the questions...

Which character did you relate to most in the story -- Rachel, Leah or Dinah? Why? I actually found myself relating to both Rachel and Leah. Despite my struggles with infertility, I have been blessed with many sons (3 of them) like Leah. My oldest son was downright easy to conceive and, despite some complications, was healthy at birth. My middle son was a little harder to conceive but again was born healthy and strong. And, my little one, my post IF baby, my miracle, is wonderful. However, like Rachel, I suffered loss after loss after loss while trying to conceive my youngest. The absolute heart wrenching pain she felt when she knew she was losing a baby was something I have felt. Both the blessings and the tragedy are who I am so I see myself in both of them.

"The sight of the baby in Bilpah's arms, day after day, shattered Rachel's confidence again. She was only the aunt, the bystander, the barren one." Did you find the author sympathetic or disparaging of Rachel's barren state? Did she convincingly relate the experience of being barren? I did feel Ms. Diamant was sympathetic of Rachel's barren state. The pain and anguish one feels when you desperately want a baby and see people around you reaching that goal while you continue to fall short is dark and ugly and those are the feelings Ms. Diamant conveys. I truly identified with Rachel's descent into depression because I remember hitting the bottom of a dark, black hole during our many losses. I think the feelings are accurately and truly portrayed and it makes me wonder if either MS. Diamant or someone close to her hasn't been through a similar struggle.

The family trees shown at the beginning of the book don't include miscarriages, stillbirths, or children who died before weaning. Given the rate of infant mortality at the time, this was a logical method for "counting" children. Now that it's much more rare (but still too common) to lose children both before and after birth, at what point do you think children should be added to the official family tree? At what point should they be added to the parents' personal tally of children? My answer to this question is purely subjective and there is no right answer. I feel a pregnancy that has reached the 20 week mark should be included on the family tree. If a child dies in utero but is delivered, this is classified as a still birth. And, if a child even lives a moment or two and then dies, of course they shoud be included. As for when a child is added to a parent's own personal tally, mine were all added the minute I got a positive pregnancy test. Most of my losses were quite early, some were even classified as chemical pregnancies. But, even though they were only little clumps of cells, I loved them for what they could become. My family tree will of course include my three wonderful boys and I intend there to be a note by my name saying 8 pregnancies lost.

Barren Bitches Book Brigade: Never Let Me Go

Welcome to the seventeenth tour of the Barren Bitches Book Brigade--a book club from the comfort of your own living room. Today we are discussing Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro. Grab a cup of coffee and a doughnut and, when you're done reading my review, you can hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at Stirrup Queens. You can also sign up for the next book in this online book club: The Red Tent by Anita Diamant.

Never Let Me Go is a phenomenal book and should be on everyone's must read list. On the advice of Miss Lollipop, I went into this book with no real knowledge of what it was about. I remember that when I figured out the plot twist I was stunned. The thought of anyone living for that reason was mind blowing. It is definitely a book that makes you think hard about the future and about what you've done with your life so far. If you haven't read the book, GO GET IT (and don't read any further).

One thing that struck me while reading the book is that the characters seem very passive. Although certain knowledge is withheld from them along the way, and they do have questions, they do not really rebel or protest their fate, or try to escape. They seem quite accepting of the future that has been laid out for them. Why do you think this is so? I believe the characters are so extremely passive about their future because they have always lived in a very controlled environment. Every aspect of their lives has been scheduled from day one. Also, although they are given a good education and are encouraged to explore artistically, they are never encouraged to truly think outside the box and show true creativity. They are never encouraged to think and dream about the future. When you are raised with such a narrow view of the world, it can be hard to look beyond it.

If you knew with certainty that you had a child with a shortened life expectancy, would you raise the child any differently? For example, are there certain experiences you'd want to ensure that they had? Are there things that you wouldn't bother to make them do (flossing? eat healthy foods? go to school?) since they wouldn't have the same long-term impact as they would for other children? Would it make a difference in your parenting if you knew exactly at what age the child was expected to die as opposed to a general sense of foreshortened lifespan? I am sure that the absolute knowledge of a shortened life expectancy would at least influence the way I raised a child. I know I would still try an instill a good set of ethics and morals. I would also educate the child. However, I also believe I wouldn't feel the need to stick to the sometimes rigid expectations of society. We would travel more, see more, do more. I wouldn't give on any things that affect health...the child would still have to brush teeth, visit the doctor, take vitamins...because I know I would always be hoping for a miracle of modern science and medicine to save my child's life. If I knew for certain the age my child would die at, I would kowtow even less to the expectations of society and we would live life to its fullest every damn moment.

If you were a student a Hailsham, would you have wanted to know your ultimate destiny as a Donor? Why or why not? How do you think knowing at that point in your life would have affected you? Does this desire to know your outcome apply to your own real life? In what situations do you find knowledge helpful? At what times can it be detrimental? I think I would want to know my destiny as a donor. I think that as a student, the knowledge that my lifespan was limited would encourage me to try things that might otherwise go untested because I would never, ever want to feel I missed out on something life had to offer. But, I think having that knowledge might also cause me to say fuck it about certain things in life...rules, grades, neatness...and those were all things the staff at Hailsham deemed important.
Part of me says I'd like to know the outcome of many things in life. However, knowledge of the future and how things will work out would remove a lot of the wonder and joy that come along with life. In certain situations (like IF), the knowledge of how things will work out (if its positive) will give you the power to continue to perservere and fight through tough times. However, if you knew treatment would never work out, you would quit (quite obviously) and you might miss out on some pretty damned incredible things...like this incredible online community. I think, for the most part, its better to live life without the certain knowledge of our outcome.

The Wisdom of the Barren Bitches Book Brigade

I always enjoy reading everyone's takes on the selected book. In fact, I first really found Mel's blog by following back a link from a BBBB book review. This time around, I found some really profound nuggets that explain the lasting effects of loss and infertility.

Melissa from So It Goes says "I can accept that it happened, but it will never be separate from who I am or my life. I will always feel like I'm missing a member of my family." This really resonates for me. I remember a New Year's eve when we were far from home (my grandmother was sick and dying) and I guess I must have looked really sad. My mom asked me what was wrong and I told her I was missing people who should be there. She thought I was referring to my husband (whose job had kept him at home and I was missing) who hadn't been able to make the trip with us when in reality I was missing my lost babies badly.

Annie over at Aurelia Ann offers a quote that describes perfectly how the passage of time affects loss and grief.

Time wears grief smooth like a river stone. The weight will always be there, but it'll stop scraping you raw at the slightest touch. But you have to let the time flow by; you can't rush it.
-Lois McMaster Bujold, Beguilement

This so beautifully explains how and why the trials of infertility mark us forever. This doesn't mean we can't have a wonderful, kick-ass life. It just means it will be different than what it would have been if we hadn't suffered through losses and infertility.

And Luna from Life From Here:Musings From the Edge sums up this same point with her comment “But there is no such thing. Nothing makes sense. Nothing fits together. Your child is still dead. There is no end to that cold, hard, irrefutable fact. As an ending, “closure” refers to a static loop. But human beings are dynamic, ever evolving individuals. And grief is a dynamic process, not a destination. To suggest that grief comes to an end is to misunderstand its very nature.”

Do yourself a favor and check out the blogs of these wonderful ladies. You could learn a lot from them. I know I did.

Barren Bitches Book Brigade: An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination

Welcome to the sixteenth tour of the Barren Bitches Book Brigade--a book club from the comfort of your own living room. Today we are discussing An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken Grab a cup of coffee and, when you are done reading my review, you can hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at Stirrup Queens. You can also sign up for the next book in this online book club: Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro.

My feelings about this book are quite complicate. While I have never gone through a stillbirth/late term loss, I have lost many pregnancies myself and have been through a stillbirth with a dear friend. McCracken is an extremely talented writer and it makes this book about a tough subject quite easy to read. She also explains the complexities of the feelings that surround a loss in a way that anyone can understand. She also manages to inject a fair amount of humor into a generally humorless subject. I actually found myself chuckling quite a number of times. Despite all this, I found the book very difficult to read. When I read and enjoy a book, I generally read it very quickly. However, at one point, I actually set this book aside and avoided it for a few days. The emotions at play in the book hit that close to home for me. I guess that in itself is a tribute to McCracken's talent as a writer. All in all, this is a beautifully written tribute and I would recommend it to anyone.

Now...to the questions...
The author expresses gratitude that she was able to easily conceive and deliver a healthy child after Pudding's death. Even Pudding's story, while distinct in its own right, is told through the lens of a grateful mother holding her happy sleeping baby in her lap. "I am not sure what sort of person I would be if that hadn't happened," she says. While it is impossible to hypothesize what might have been had some other course of events transpired, how has having other living child/ren either before or since your loss affected your grieving process? If you have not lost a child, how has your in/fertility affected how you view other people's losses? And do your views change if the grieving have other living children?
While it is impossible to compare one person's loss with another person's loss, I know without a doubt that having children did affect my grieving process. I know that having children made the loss more poignant. I knew what I was losing. I knew what it was like to cuddle that beautiful baby and to kiss their sleeping cheek and say I love you. It truly hurt my heart to know that I would never get to do that with my babies that I lost. However, having my two older boys forced me to deal with life when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and hide from the world. Kids have these funny notions that they need to eat ans sleep and bathe on a regular basis. Dealing with their needs forced me to live my life which helped me to get past my losses.

My favourite line of the book comes on page 103: "Closure is bullshit." In your opinion (whether or not you have experienced pregnancy loss yourself), is this true or false?
I think this is absolutely true. When most people think of closure, they think of something being over and done with. You can put it behind you and never look back. With something as life changing as a loss of a love one, you never have closure in that sense. Loss affects you at a fundamental level. There will always be something or someone missing. You can learn to deal with losses or traumatic events. You can learn to move past them. But who you are as a person is forever changed so it will never be behind you. It will never be gone. Closure is BULLSHIT.

McCracken states that her only regret regarding Pudding, was that she didn't hold him. Would you hold your baby in the same situation?
I absolutely would have held my baby in the same situation. If I didn't I know I would forever wonder about how that baby would have felt in my arms. Holding that lost baby would give me a chance to say good bye.

If you had experienced a late term loss, would you have wanted to know
the sex of the baby during any future pregnancy? Why or why not
My friend Chris lost her third son at 36 weeks of pregnancy. She had an abruption in the middle of her placenta and Adam's blood supply was compromised causing his death. Out of all her pregnancies, this was the only pregnancy that she found out the sex of her baby. She told me after they lost Adam that she was so glad she knew it was a boy before hand because she felt more connected to him...more like she got to know him. She said that while it didn't make up for the loss, that she did feel like she had some time with him because she knew his sex and knew his name ahead of time. Because of this, I wll always try to find out the sex of a baby during a pregnancy.

Barren Bitches Book Brigade Tour #15: Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh

Believe it or not, this was the first time I read Harriet the Spy. I somehow missed this little gem of a book when I was younger. With all the press the story got when they made the book into a movie, I'm sure most if not all of you who are reading this have a clue about the story. So, I'm not going to waste a lot of time recapping it. I'm just going to say I thoroughly enjoyed it and can see how someone close to the age of 12 could get sucked into the emotions of the book.

Now...onto the questions...

Would Harriet have been a blog writer or just a blog reader? Do you think she would have ever commented on other people's blogs? If she did write her own blog, do you think she would have written about her own life or do you think she would have replicated her spy notebooks and only written about other people?
I think Harriet might very well have been a blog writer. I think her blog probably would read a lot like the pages she wrote for the 6th grade newspaper...informative, snarky, and a wee bit judgmental. There probably would have been occasional insights into her own life (just as there were in her notebooks) but they would have been few and far between. She might have occasionally commented on other peoples' blog but not on a regular basis.

When Ole Golly leaves after her engagement, Harriet notes that things feel the same but she seems to have a little hole in her heart. When was the first time you remember feeling a similar loss and does it still remain with you today?
The first time I remember feeling a similar loss was when my Grandpa died. I was out in Wyoming at a Girl Scout camp when my Grandpa finally passed away. I remember getting the news and my mom telling me I should stay and finish camp because he would have wanted me too. I remember how surreal it felt that life went on, camp went on, everything was "normal" but a big part of me was missing. That was almost 25 yrs ago and I still feel that hole that he filled today. I think its like that whenever you lose a loved one.

This book was written in 1964, when gender roles & stereotypes were much more rigid than they are today. In Chapter 4, Harriet & Janie feel the pressure to conform, to go to dancing school and be steered away from "unfeminine pursuits" -- while later in the book, Marion, Rachel, Laura & Carrie imitate their mothers by playing bridge & drinking tea in the clubhouse. I was reminded of Carol Gilligan's work on how girls' "voices" change as they become adolescents. What do you think happened to Harriet & Janie as they became teenagers? Do you think young girls today still feel similar pressures to conform?
I honestly don't know what might have become of Harriet and Janie as teens. Somehow, with Harriet's rebellious streak I can see her being involved with the counter-culture of the late 60s...protests and such. I guess I can see Janie continuing her obsession with science. She strikes me as someone who has found her true passion early in life. That's something she and Harriet have in common.
I do think young girls feel an enormous pressure to fit in and belong. However, unlike the pressure Harriet, Janie, and the others felt to be like their mothers, I believe more of today's pressure to fit in comes from peers and the media.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at Stirrup Queens. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken.

Barren Bitches Book Brigade Tour #14: Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

The current book being reviewed by the Barren Bitches Book Brigade is not one that inspires a neutral response. People tend to either really love Eat, Pray, Love or they really hate it. I fall into the "Love It" category. I really learned a lot about myself from this book. Among other things, Ms. Gilbert really got me to contemplate how I pray and what I pray for.

At the start of the book, the author states that she will not go into the details of her divorce. Could you accept this and move on to the rest of the book, or did this lack of explanation influence your opinion of the entire book?
Initially, I thought it would bother me to not know the details of her divorce since that was so obviously the start of this spiritual journey. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was better not to know about the divorce. If I had known the details, it would have influenced my opinion of her and, therefore, my opinion of the journey. Once I realized that, the nagging questions about why she divorced faded into the background.

Do you believe in reincarnation and that a soul chooses its lessons before each lifetime? Or do you believe it's all just random challenge? Do you believe you are doing a good job dealing with the cards you've been dealt? What do you think your challenges are trying to teach you about the big picture that other people might miss ...that you might have missed if your life didn't take these turns?
I do not believe everyone is reincarnated but I DO BELIEVE some people are reincarnated. I do believe that certain unresolved issues can cause a soul to return. I know one couple where the husband is fairly certain his soul has been here before. His wife teases him and says he kept coming back because he hadn’t found his soul mate… and that now that he has found her, he won’t have to keep coming back.

I think I am dealing fairly well with the curves life has thrown at me. I have clung to my faith and come out of my battle with secondary infertility even stronger than I went it. I by no means think I am doing a perfect job of learning the lessons God and life are trying to teach me but I am trying. My battles with SIF and the financial trials we have suffered through because of my husband’s career ending injury have taught me patience. They’ve taught me to be frugal (although I still dream big). They’ve taught me that my husband and I can face anything, can deal with anything as long as we stick together. They’ve taught me that I can plan all I want but sometimes God has a different agenda. I might not have learned those lessons had we not dealt with those trials.

In Elizabeth's journey, she meets several characters ... Richard (who calls her 'Groceries') and Ketut and Italy itself ... who see her 'from outside of the frame,' who offer her valuable, catalytic perspective and they help her to penetrate her misery. Who are the characters in your own life that have performed/perform this role for you? What have they helped you to understand? ... Sometimes perspective can come from a book, rather than a person IRL ... so if it was a book that gave you this gift, which one(s)?
Interestingly enough, the person “who offer [me a] valuable, catalytic perspective and help[ed me] to penetrate [my] misery dealing with our multiple miscarriages was someone I haven’t met. In fact, I don’t even know her name. The incomparable Getupgrrl of Chez Miscarriage was the first one that showed me that we could use humor to mitigate the pain of our losses. Grrl was my introduction to ALI (adoption, loss, infertility) blogging and I am forever thankful for that. I hope Grrl is enjoying every minute of every day with her son but I hope the message of how much we miss her reaches her.

Elizabeth Gilbert writes that "when you're lost in the woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize you are lost. For the longest time you can convince yourself that you've just wandered a few feet off the path...then night falls again and again and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore." Have you had a similar experience and if so, when did you come to realize you were lost and how did you find your way back?
I really do feel I went through a similar experience. I tend to be a glass half full kind of person. I know I have been blessed and am thankful for all I have. But, with each miscarriage, I found myself more and more depressed. Things I normally would have been excited about seemed more of an annoyance. After the loss of our Eva, I felt like I was being sucked down into a deep dark hole. I really felt like I would never escape from it. You know its bad when your parents offer to take you and your kids to Florida and Disney World and all you think of is what a hassle its going to be. That was the moment I finally realized I needed some help. My wonderful OB prescribed Lexapro for me and it was enough to help me shake off the depression. I was only on it a short time but it made a world of difference for me.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at Stirrup Queens . You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Baby Trail by Sinead Moriarty (with author participation).