When I was 6 year old, I was burned by hot cooking oil. Within that same year, I had my appendix removed. At the age of 27 (and again at 30 and 35), I gained a cesarean scar. And, these are only the big scars among the visible ones on my body.
I barely notice these scars anymore. Really, I only think of them when chronicling my medical history. These are not the scars that mark me the most. These are not the scars that mark my soul.
The scars that mark my soul are much more subtle. They are something not even a doctor could find. They are the scars left behind by *infertility.
Infertility stripped away my faith on my body. When you grow up and dream of a family, you assume that when you want to start a family, it will happen without delay or trouble. With infertility, that is proven false. I no longer automatically believe that my body would do what it was suppose to do. I no longer had the naive belief that every pregnancy would bring a baby.
Infertility destroyed my faith in medical odds. Sure, we had occasionally ended up on the wrong side of the medical odds before infertility. But, once we started down the IF highway, the odds were never in our favor. Time and time again, things should have worked out but then they didn't. I honestly think the next doctor that tells me it only happens to 5-10% of patients might get bitch slapped because it seems that I'm always in the 5-10%.
Infertility stripped me of the pure joy I had previously felt when a pregnancy was announced. I am still happy for my friends when they announced their pregnancies but that happiness was tainted by worry and a little side helping of "why not me".
Now, years later, the scars of infertility have faded. They are no longer a throbbing, painful reminder of all we fought against and all we lost. Instead, they've faded to a silvery map covering my heart and soul.But, every now and then, something triggers the memories and longings and those scars become painfully real again.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Saturday, June 02, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
Just the Facts Ma'am
Back in the beginning of March, I told y'all about our second trip down the Infertility highway. Then, I got all wrapped up dealing with Marty's never ending migraine (ended up lasting 2 months...until almost the end of April). I was so preoccupied that I totally forgot to write the post to tell y'all about the hopeful solution to our infertility issues.
To briefly sum it up, Vic was diagnosed as a diabetic in the beginning of 2006, shortly after Gabe was born. He has had a bitch of a case and it rapidly progressed to complete insulin dependence. His diabetes also tanked out his thyroid function and his testosterone levels. Vic is not only insulin dependent but he's extremely insulin resistant meaning he has to take enough insulin to stop an elephant in it's tracks (and high insulin doses cause weight gain).
For quite a while, Vic has been thinking about weight loss surgery. He was considering lap band surgery and, not long ago, finally made an appointment for a consult with a doc who specializes in bariatric surgery. He was very pleased with the surgeon he consulted with and Doc B will be his surgeon. However, Vic will be having gastric bypass surgery, not lap band surgery. Doc B said that he could make more money doing lap band because it is simpler and he can do more of them per day. However, Doc B said that if Vic insisted on lap band surgery then he would not be his doctor. He said he felt it would not be serving Vic's best interests to do lap band surgery. Doc B said that with the severity of Vic's diabetes and the large number of complications he was already experiencing that Vic needed to be aggressive in his treatment approach. A higher percentage of gastric bypass patients have full reversal of their diabetes that lap band patients and, of the patients who don't have full reversal of their diabetes, there is a huge improvement. Both Doc B and Vic's endocrinologist are very hopeful that the weight loss and the ensuing improvement of his diabetes will reverse the peripheral neuropathy he has been experiencing. There might possibly be improvement in his testosterone levels and his hypothyroidism when his diabetes improves but, until then, he is being treated for both those issues. There are a ton of appointments he has to go through and a bunch of hoops he has to jump through before we schedule the surgery. Hopefully, it will be scheduled for sometime this fall.
Not really sure where we'll go from here. I'm 42 and Vic is 52. We are definitely pushing the edges of age for new parenthood (at least the ages we are comfortable with)...but, I won't say it'll never happen. Guess we'll just have to wait and see.
To briefly sum it up, Vic was diagnosed as a diabetic in the beginning of 2006, shortly after Gabe was born. He has had a bitch of a case and it rapidly progressed to complete insulin dependence. His diabetes also tanked out his thyroid function and his testosterone levels. Vic is not only insulin dependent but he's extremely insulin resistant meaning he has to take enough insulin to stop an elephant in it's tracks (and high insulin doses cause weight gain).
For quite a while, Vic has been thinking about weight loss surgery. He was considering lap band surgery and, not long ago, finally made an appointment for a consult with a doc who specializes in bariatric surgery. He was very pleased with the surgeon he consulted with and Doc B will be his surgeon. However, Vic will be having gastric bypass surgery, not lap band surgery. Doc B said that he could make more money doing lap band because it is simpler and he can do more of them per day. However, Doc B said that if Vic insisted on lap band surgery then he would not be his doctor. He said he felt it would not be serving Vic's best interests to do lap band surgery. Doc B said that with the severity of Vic's diabetes and the large number of complications he was already experiencing that Vic needed to be aggressive in his treatment approach. A higher percentage of gastric bypass patients have full reversal of their diabetes that lap band patients and, of the patients who don't have full reversal of their diabetes, there is a huge improvement. Both Doc B and Vic's endocrinologist are very hopeful that the weight loss and the ensuing improvement of his diabetes will reverse the peripheral neuropathy he has been experiencing. There might possibly be improvement in his testosterone levels and his hypothyroidism when his diabetes improves but, until then, he is being treated for both those issues. There are a ton of appointments he has to go through and a bunch of hoops he has to jump through before we schedule the surgery. Hopefully, it will be scheduled for sometime this fall.
Not really sure where we'll go from here. I'm 42 and Vic is 52. We are definitely pushing the edges of age for new parenthood (at least the ages we are comfortable with)...but, I won't say it'll never happen. Guess we'll just have to wait and see.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Healing Our Community
When you've been around the *ALI community as long as I have, you are bound to see some squabbles. Hell, even in the most tight knit of families, there are arguments. Well, recently our little family had a major spat. For those of you who missed the hubbub, a group of women who've been lucky enough to make it to the other side of the infertility battle formed a blogroll, PAIL (Parenting After Infertility and Loss). The women who are part of this new blogroll were feeling like they didn't really have a place in the ALI community. However, many of the women who haven't reached the parenting stage felt this new blogroll was exclusionary. Words were exchanged. Feelings were hurt. People felt their work and ideas weren't being valued. In other words, it was a typical family spat.
In my view, this whole to do got started because people were feeling left out and I was wondering what we could do to ease that feeling. I think the first thing we need to do is talk. Here are some of the things I really feel we need to talk about...
In my view, this whole to do got started because people were feeling left out and I was wondering what we could do to ease that feeling. I think the first thing we need to do is talk. Here are some of the things I really feel we need to talk about...
- If you're still fighting infertility, do you feel uncomfortable continuing to visit a blog after someone finally becomes pregnant or becomes a mom? Does it make a difference whether the blog belongs to someone you are close to or someone who is just a casual acquaintance?
- Is there anything an ALI community member who is pregnant or a new parent could do to make you feel more comfortable?
- If you've manage to get pregnant or become a parent, have you noticed a drop in support from the community? Do you feel like you still belong or do you feel left out?
- Is there anything the ALI community can do to make you feel like you belong even after you've become a parent?
- Enter the Salon with the understanding that each blogger is a unique individual with unique personal, cultural, and social identities that inform her/his perspective. Every person's experience is significant and valid.
- Comments in the Salon will encompass respect towards all three entities: a) yourself; b) the blogger/commenter with whom you might disagree; c) the ALI community at large.
- It's okay to agree to disagree.
- Avoid scapegoating or assigning intent to a person. Only respond to the words on the screen.
******************************
My experience in this community is very different from a lot of people's experiences. I didn't really find the ALI community until after I already had 2 kids and we were fighting secondary infertility. I never felt like I didn't have a place here. Because of this, I can't really speak to a lot of these issues. Truly, I feel that those of us who have made it through infertility play a vitally important role in this community. We're a resource for hope and for ideas as to what works and what doesn't. Because we've made it through, we often have the emotional fortitude to support our friends who are still in the trenches. I hope opening up my bloggy home will help heal the rift in our community.Monday, March 05, 2012
Infertility: Take 2
There are some of you who have been hanging around the Lair for quite a while. I have to guess that some of you remember way back in September '08 when I told y'all that Vic and I had decided to try for our 4th and final baby. I'm sure those of you who remember also wonder why I went almost completely silent on the subject. With Vic's encouragement and consent, I'm finally going to tel you what's been going on.
Here in the Cruz household, we never tend to do anything in half measures. That applies to medical issues as well as just about everything else. Back in early 2006, Vic was diagnosed with type II diabetes. While it's not a diagnosis anyone wants to get, our attitude at the time was that at least it was a treatable and a manageable disease...little did we know.
I still remember one of the first things Vic's doctor asked him at that first appointment he had about learning to manage his diabetes. Dr. T looked at Vic and asked, "Have you noticed any decrease in your sex drive or ability to perform?" Vic laughed and said, "We have a 3 month old baby. Any change in sex drive has been chalked up to exhaustion." Well, Dr. T told him that erectile dysfunction is a frequent side effect of diabetes (due to impaired blood flow) and, if the sex drive didn't pick back up as the diabetes came under control, Vic should let him know. Viagra was mentioned but nothing was really pursued at that point.
Eventually, Viagra was prescribed and daddy's little helper took care of the issue. When we decided to try to complete our family, Viagra was obviously part of the plan but I didn't think it would have a major roll. Guess once again, thinking should have been labeled as being highly over-rated. Less than 3 months after we started trying again, Vic's diabetes decided to rebel. Blood sugars that had previously been fairly well controlled spiraled out of control. A pancreas that was feeling ignored by the body decided that since the body wasn't using it's insulin well that it would stop making insulin at all. Although he was still technically a type II diabetic, he was now completely insulin dependent and, when you factored in his extreme insulin resistance, he might as well have been a true brittle diabetic. At this point,Viagra did become a big part of our efforts but it became a big part of our TTC efforts not because it helped but because it stopped working reliably.
While Vic's endocrinologist eventually got his blood sugar under control, it took massive doses of insulin to do so. I swear, he takes insulin doses massive enough to drop an elephant in it's tracks. Those massive doses of insulin control his blood sugar levels but they never allowed the Viagra to work well again and the doses of insulin definitely never allowed us to ditch daddy's little helper. In fact, the massive doses of insulin caused (and still cause) all kinds of other issues such as weight gain (yeah, it really is a side effect of large doses of insulin) which exacerbated the diabetes. And, while Vic's blood sugar levels were mostly controlled, his weight went up, his energy levels went way down, and he started to develop peripheral neuropathy.
And, let me tell you, that peripheral neuropathy is a real bitch. When people talk about peripheral diabetic neuropathy, they think about it affecting primarily the feet with numbness and some pain. What no one ever tells you is that peripheral diabetic neuropathy can also cause some loss of sensation in the genital area for men. So, at this point you have blood flow issues and loss of sensation and Viagra not working, our TTC efforts came to a screeching halt. Honestly, I was mourning. I was mourning not only the loss of that potential 4th child but I was mourning the loss of our sex life. I loved and do love my husband. Nothing would ever change that but I missed our sex life.
At some point in all this, Vic had to change endocrinologists and that turned out to be a truly fabulous thing. His new doctor was the one who finally got a handle on his blood sugar and, a little over a year ago, that endocrinologist finally tested Vic's thyroid function...something that should have been checked from day one of his diabetic diagnosis but we didn't know to ask and his doc's missed it. Vic turned out to have a pretty severe case of hypothyroidism. His severely under functioning thyroid was a major cause of his lack of energy. Then, about 3 1/2 months ago, Vic switched endocrinologists once again because, while he loved the doc, the office staff for that doc sucked. The missed getting prescriptions called in, were slack about following up on requests, and Vic had had enough.
Once again, the doctor change turned out to be a wonderful thing. His new is truly sharp and on the ball. She was the first one who ever mentioned to Vic that not only is the thyroid frequently affected by diabetes but, often times, testosterone levels often hit the bottom of the barrel when the thyroid is so severely affected. Sure enough, once again it was a case of doing things in grand fashion. When it was tested, Vic's testosterone levels came back as being abnormally low. It was strike three against any possible TTC efforts and it was a classic case of male factor infertility diabetes style. It was infertility: take 2 for the Cruz family.
And, that is why I went silent on the topic for so long. While it was part of our infertility journey, it wasn't my story to tell...at least, not my story to tell without permission. Also, I just couldn't quite deal with it all until there was a possibility of some solution, some resolution. It was just too disheartening to talk about it all without a possible solution and there is now a potential for a solution. If anyone's interested in the possible solution (strictly medical info), I can talk about that later. This post is massive enough as it is. Thank you to all of you who've bravely soldiered through the reading of it.
Finally, I want to say a special and heartfelt thank you to my wonderful husband, Vic, for allowing me to share this story. It takes a special man to have the confidence to share a story like this. When I asked Vic if it was all right to share about this, he not only said yes, but he told me that he thought it was really important to get this information out so it could possibly help someone. To quote Vic directly, "When your body says fuck you, start getting tests done."
Here in the Cruz household, we never tend to do anything in half measures. That applies to medical issues as well as just about everything else. Back in early 2006, Vic was diagnosed with type II diabetes. While it's not a diagnosis anyone wants to get, our attitude at the time was that at least it was a treatable and a manageable disease...little did we know.
I still remember one of the first things Vic's doctor asked him at that first appointment he had about learning to manage his diabetes. Dr. T looked at Vic and asked, "Have you noticed any decrease in your sex drive or ability to perform?" Vic laughed and said, "We have a 3 month old baby. Any change in sex drive has been chalked up to exhaustion." Well, Dr. T told him that erectile dysfunction is a frequent side effect of diabetes (due to impaired blood flow) and, if the sex drive didn't pick back up as the diabetes came under control, Vic should let him know. Viagra was mentioned but nothing was really pursued at that point.
Eventually, Viagra was prescribed and daddy's little helper took care of the issue. When we decided to try to complete our family, Viagra was obviously part of the plan but I didn't think it would have a major roll. Guess once again, thinking should have been labeled as being highly over-rated. Less than 3 months after we started trying again, Vic's diabetes decided to rebel. Blood sugars that had previously been fairly well controlled spiraled out of control. A pancreas that was feeling ignored by the body decided that since the body wasn't using it's insulin well that it would stop making insulin at all. Although he was still technically a type II diabetic, he was now completely insulin dependent and, when you factored in his extreme insulin resistance, he might as well have been a true brittle diabetic. At this point,Viagra did become a big part of our efforts but it became a big part of our TTC efforts not because it helped but because it stopped working reliably.
While Vic's endocrinologist eventually got his blood sugar under control, it took massive doses of insulin to do so. I swear, he takes insulin doses massive enough to drop an elephant in it's tracks. Those massive doses of insulin control his blood sugar levels but they never allowed the Viagra to work well again and the doses of insulin definitely never allowed us to ditch daddy's little helper. In fact, the massive doses of insulin caused (and still cause) all kinds of other issues such as weight gain (yeah, it really is a side effect of large doses of insulin) which exacerbated the diabetes. And, while Vic's blood sugar levels were mostly controlled, his weight went up, his energy levels went way down, and he started to develop peripheral neuropathy.
And, let me tell you, that peripheral neuropathy is a real bitch. When people talk about peripheral diabetic neuropathy, they think about it affecting primarily the feet with numbness and some pain. What no one ever tells you is that peripheral diabetic neuropathy can also cause some loss of sensation in the genital area for men. So, at this point you have blood flow issues and loss of sensation and Viagra not working, our TTC efforts came to a screeching halt. Honestly, I was mourning. I was mourning not only the loss of that potential 4th child but I was mourning the loss of our sex life. I loved and do love my husband. Nothing would ever change that but I missed our sex life.
At some point in all this, Vic had to change endocrinologists and that turned out to be a truly fabulous thing. His new doctor was the one who finally got a handle on his blood sugar and, a little over a year ago, that endocrinologist finally tested Vic's thyroid function...something that should have been checked from day one of his diabetic diagnosis but we didn't know to ask and his doc's missed it. Vic turned out to have a pretty severe case of hypothyroidism. His severely under functioning thyroid was a major cause of his lack of energy. Then, about 3 1/2 months ago, Vic switched endocrinologists once again because, while he loved the doc, the office staff for that doc sucked. The missed getting prescriptions called in, were slack about following up on requests, and Vic had had enough.
Once again, the doctor change turned out to be a wonderful thing. His new is truly sharp and on the ball. She was the first one who ever mentioned to Vic that not only is the thyroid frequently affected by diabetes but, often times, testosterone levels often hit the bottom of the barrel when the thyroid is so severely affected. Sure enough, once again it was a case of doing things in grand fashion. When it was tested, Vic's testosterone levels came back as being abnormally low. It was strike three against any possible TTC efforts and it was a classic case of male factor infertility diabetes style. It was infertility: take 2 for the Cruz family.
And, that is why I went silent on the topic for so long. While it was part of our infertility journey, it wasn't my story to tell...at least, not my story to tell without permission. Also, I just couldn't quite deal with it all until there was a possibility of some solution, some resolution. It was just too disheartening to talk about it all without a possible solution and there is now a potential for a solution. If anyone's interested in the possible solution (strictly medical info), I can talk about that later. This post is massive enough as it is. Thank you to all of you who've bravely soldiered through the reading of it.
Finally, I want to say a special and heartfelt thank you to my wonderful husband, Vic, for allowing me to share this story. It takes a special man to have the confidence to share a story like this. When I asked Vic if it was all right to share about this, he not only said yes, but he told me that he thought it was really important to get this information out so it could possibly help someone. To quote Vic directly, "When your body says fuck you, start getting tests done."
Saturday, October 29, 2011
I Call Bullshit on Mississippi Proposition 26
The raving right wingers are at it again. Over in Mississippi, they are trying to pass Proposition 26. Proposition 26, otherwise known as the Personhood Amendment, would grant the status of human life to embryos.
This would mean almost all abortions would be illegal. If you had an abortion, you would be a murderer.
This means if you undergo fertility treatments and discard extra embryos in Mississippi, you would be a murderer.
In the ALI community, we all know people who have undergone IVF after IVF and, despite numerous transfers, not a single embryo has stuck.
Fertilized embryo equals the POTENTIAL for human life. It is NOT the same thing as a living breathing human being.
Please y'all, spread the word on this fucknuttery. If you live in Mississippi, fight to have this voted down. The vote isn't until Nov. 8th. There is still time to stop this bullshit from becoming law.
* A HUGE thanks and shout out to Monica Mingo for making me aware of this insanity.
**PS...I don't want to turn this into a huge debate about when life begins. I just truly believe this is an individual decision that we all must wrestle with and the government has NO RIGHT to tell us how to handle it.
This would mean almost all abortions would be illegal. If you had an abortion, you would be a murderer.
This means if you undergo fertility treatments and discard extra embryos in Mississippi, you would be a murderer.
In the ALI community, we all know people who have undergone IVF after IVF and, despite numerous transfers, not a single embryo has stuck.
Fertilized embryo equals the POTENTIAL for human life. It is NOT the same thing as a living breathing human being.
Please y'all, spread the word on this fucknuttery. If you live in Mississippi, fight to have this voted down. The vote isn't until Nov. 8th. There is still time to stop this bullshit from becoming law.
* A HUGE thanks and shout out to Monica Mingo for making me aware of this insanity.
**PS...I don't want to turn this into a huge debate about when life begins. I just truly believe this is an individual decision that we all must wrestle with and the government has NO RIGHT to tell us how to handle it.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Forever In My Heart, Never In My Arms
Today, October 15th, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Today, I remember 8 little beings I never got to meet...8 babies my husband and I created in love...8 babies who never drew a breath.
As Aunt Becky said so eloquently,
Dona nobis pacem.
(give us peace) Lord, give us peace.
- 9/9/94 pregnancy ended at about 8 weeks, D&C
- 12/8/99 miscarriage confirmed at about 5 weeks. They called it a chemical pregnancy but I fucking hate that term.
- 11/11/02 loss confirmed at 10+ weeks, D&C
- 2/12/03 loss between 5 and 6 weeks
- 4/15/03 loss confirmed at about 11 weeks, D&C
- 11/24/03 loss between 5 and 6 weeks
- 6/17/04 had been on progesterone suppositories, saw heartbeat and fetal pole at 6 weeks; our little girl, Eva, dies at 8 weeks; found out at 9 weeks; D&C one day later
- 1/13/05 loss at about 5 week
Dona nobis pacem.
(give us peace) Lord, give us peace.
Friday, August 05, 2011
Be an Asset to the Collective
Greetings! I am excited to be guest posting here today while Kristin is living it up BlogHer '11! I'm Kathy from Four of a Kind (formerly Three of a kind working on a full house...) and I write about my family's five year journey through secondary infertility and loss, as well as parenting and life since then. I wish I was with Kristin and so many other awesome bloggers in San Diego right now, but since that was not to be this year, I was honored when Kristin asked me to write something here on Dragondreamer's Liar.
Last weekend I had a really bad day in my little corner of the IT world, as I shared about in this post. It took a few kind and clever guys from iYogi tech support in India, a few hours of my life and a lot of "good karma" to help me get our home computers running well again. Late last Sunday night, while I was watching one of the iYogi tech support staff work his magic, as he remotely controlled my desktop and laptop computers, I decided to see what was happening on Twitter.
As I scrolled through my Twitter-feed that night I happened to notice an interchange between Kristin (from the wonderful blog you are on right now) and Kym (from The Smartness) and decided to join their conversation... Kym was sharing about it being the last night before she returned to school (she is a teacher) and Kristin had quoted non-other than Soul II Soul's "Back to Life," taunting Kym (with love) about it being time to return to reality! Kym teased Kristin about getting that song stuck in her head and then I proceeded to share some of my favorite Soul II Soul tunes to add to the soundtrack on instant replay spinning around in Kym's head as she tried to wind down on the eve a new school year.
In our tweeting back and forth that night, I asked Kym if she knew of my favorite Soul II Soul song called "Get a Life" (see the lyrics below).
This thing called life
know what’s the meaning of the line
tell me
well it’s like dreaming of your goals , ambitions feeling free
achieve what
what’s in your minds eye
this is what you should gain
Satisfaction becomes a shinning example
a test of a sample of a new race
that has ample supply of positivity
you mean flow
well like electricity
so
you see a clear way with no ambiguity
don’t you know
Whats the meaning
whats the meaning of life
whats the meaning
whats the meaning of life
Elevate your mind
free your soul
well come on come on
feel the feeling let your body take control
Well don’t be afraid to experiment you know umm
go ahead you know and implement your ideas
your notions put them in motion
like the words the funki dreds have spoken to you
so listen up loud and clear
this is a word you must be aware of
What ya gonna do put it in your life tool
and that's the meaning of life
Whats the meaning
whats the meaning of life
whats the meaning
whats the meaning of life
whats the meaning
whats the meaning of life
whats the meaning
whats the meaning of life
And it goes on
Elevate your mind
free your soul
well come on come on
feel the feeling let your body take control
So there it is work it out for yourself
yeah , be selective be objective
be an asset to the collective
as you know you have to get a life
Whats the meaning
whats the meaning of life
whats the meaning
whats the meaning of life
whats the meaning
whats the meaning of life
whats the meaning
whats the meaning of life
elevate your mind
free your soul
well come on come on
feel the feeling let your body take control
ah yeah
Kym replied to my tweet by quoting a line from "Get a Life." Then I shared my favorite line from the song, "be selective, be objective, be an asset to the collective." I have always thought that was such an inspiring and profound statement. I have also pondered what it means for me to "be an asset to the collective."
As a blogger, especially in the Adoption, Loss and Infertility (ALI) Community, I believe that there are so many ways and opportunities for me (and all of us) to be an asset to our collective group of those who have found that our journeys to build and/or expand our families have not played out the way the hoped or dreamed that they would.
I am grateful to Kristin and so many other bloggers who have reached out to and supported me on my journey through infertility and loss over the years. Though so much of why I choose to write and share about my life and experiences on my blog is for me, I do really appreciate the chance to receive validation and feedback from others who understand and can relate to what I blog about. I also find it an honor and privilege, as a "wounded healer," to try to reach out to and support others in our "collective."
How about you? What does it mean to you "to be an asset to the collective?" How do you feel that you are an "asset" to our ALI Community and/or the other groups that you are part of and contribute your time, talent and treasure to in your life?
Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts on this post. Thanks again to Kristin for inviting me to be here today. I hope that you are having a wonderful time at BlogHer `11 and can't wait to hear (and read) all about it!
Whether or not you have been over there before, I would love for you to please visit me at my blog Four of a Kind anytime. I really appreciate your comments and feedback on what I wrote here today, as well as on my blog entries over there any day!
Last weekend I had a really bad day in my little corner of the IT world, as I shared about in this post. It took a few kind and clever guys from iYogi tech support in India, a few hours of my life and a lot of "good karma" to help me get our home computers running well again. Late last Sunday night, while I was watching one of the iYogi tech support staff work his magic, as he remotely controlled my desktop and laptop computers, I decided to see what was happening on Twitter.
As I scrolled through my Twitter-feed that night I happened to notice an interchange between Kristin (from the wonderful blog you are on right now) and Kym (from The Smartness) and decided to join their conversation... Kym was sharing about it being the last night before she returned to school (she is a teacher) and Kristin had quoted non-other than Soul II Soul's "Back to Life," taunting Kym (with love) about it being time to return to reality! Kym teased Kristin about getting that song stuck in her head and then I proceeded to share some of my favorite Soul II Soul tunes to add to the soundtrack on instant replay spinning around in Kym's head as she tried to wind down on the eve a new school year.
In our tweeting back and forth that night, I asked Kym if she knew of my favorite Soul II Soul song called "Get a Life" (see the lyrics below).
This thing called life
know what’s the meaning of the line
tell me
well it’s like dreaming of your goals , ambitions feeling free
achieve what
what’s in your minds eye
this is what you should gain
Satisfaction becomes a shinning example
a test of a sample of a new race
that has ample supply of positivity
you mean flow
well like electricity
so
you see a clear way with no ambiguity
don’t you know
Whats the meaning
whats the meaning of life
whats the meaning
whats the meaning of life
Elevate your mind
free your soul
well come on come on
feel the feeling let your body take control
Well don’t be afraid to experiment you know umm
go ahead you know and implement your ideas
your notions put them in motion
like the words the funki dreds have spoken to you
so listen up loud and clear
this is a word you must be aware of
What ya gonna do put it in your life tool
and that's the meaning of life
Whats the meaning
whats the meaning of life
whats the meaning
whats the meaning of life
whats the meaning
whats the meaning of life
whats the meaning
whats the meaning of life
And it goes on
Elevate your mind
free your soul
well come on come on
feel the feeling let your body take control
So there it is work it out for yourself
yeah , be selective be objective
be an asset to the collective
as you know you have to get a life
Whats the meaning
whats the meaning of life
whats the meaning
whats the meaning of life
whats the meaning
whats the meaning of life
whats the meaning
whats the meaning of life
elevate your mind
free your soul
well come on come on
feel the feeling let your body take control
ah yeah
Kym replied to my tweet by quoting a line from "Get a Life." Then I shared my favorite line from the song, "be selective, be objective, be an asset to the collective." I have always thought that was such an inspiring and profound statement. I have also pondered what it means for me to "be an asset to the collective."
As a blogger, especially in the Adoption, Loss and Infertility (ALI) Community, I believe that there are so many ways and opportunities for me (and all of us) to be an asset to our collective group of those who have found that our journeys to build and/or expand our families have not played out the way the hoped or dreamed that they would.
I am grateful to Kristin and so many other bloggers who have reached out to and supported me on my journey through infertility and loss over the years. Though so much of why I choose to write and share about my life and experiences on my blog is for me, I do really appreciate the chance to receive validation and feedback from others who understand and can relate to what I blog about. I also find it an honor and privilege, as a "wounded healer," to try to reach out to and support others in our "collective."
How about you? What does it mean to you "to be an asset to the collective?" How do you feel that you are an "asset" to our ALI Community and/or the other groups that you are part of and contribute your time, talent and treasure to in your life?
Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts on this post. Thanks again to Kristin for inviting me to be here today. I hope that you are having a wonderful time at BlogHer `11 and can't wait to hear (and read) all about it!
Whether or not you have been over there before, I would love for you to please visit me at my blog Four of a Kind anytime. I really appreciate your comments and feedback on what I wrote here today, as well as on my blog entries over there any day!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
The Power of Our Love
There are moments in our life when we see something happening and we feel moved to do something, do anything. That happened earlier this year. Earlier this year, my dear friend St. Elsewhere was faced with something no one should have to face. She lost her beautiful baby daughter after only 2 days of life and a long battle to have her. I knew I couldn't make it better. I knew I couldn't remove the pain. But, I felt I needed had to do something to show her we, the whole ALI community, would never ever forget her daughter. I wanted it to be something tangible, something that could carry our love to her, something others could contribute to, something she could wrap around her when she needed a hug. In short, I wanted to make her a quilt. I put the call out and asked for people to contribute in any way they felt moved to...fabric, notes, prayers, or money to help with supply costs and shipping costs. Y'all, I was literally OVERWHELMED with the response. There are truly too many people who contributed to list them here. My email in box was overflowing and, shortly, my mailbox was overflowing. Packages and letters came in from all over the world. I received so many beautiful pieces of fabric that I could only include small amounts from each one and still have the quilt be a normal size. This is the final product...
Two small notes...1) because of the music that goes along with this, a song by Michael Jackson, the viewing of this video is blocked in many countries. If you can't view it, use the email link in the right sidebar and I'll see about getting you a copy or link that will allow you to view it. 2) the third slide showing fabric has the name Helene K on it. She is the one who shipped the fabric, not the blogger who contributed it. I can't find the email with the correct name. Please let me know if it's from you.
Two small notes...1) because of the music that goes along with this, a song by Michael Jackson, the viewing of this video is blocked in many countries. If you can't view it, use the email link in the right sidebar and I'll see about getting you a copy or link that will allow you to view it. 2) the third slide showing fabric has the name Helene K on it. She is the one who shipped the fabric, not the blogger who contributed it. I can't find the email with the correct name. Please let me know if it's from you.
Monday, April 25, 2011
U is for Understanding: Bust an Infertility Myth
Hi, my name is Kristin. I'm a wife and a mother to 3 boys. I am also INFERTILE. Yes, you read that right. I have given birth to three children and I am infertile. See, infertility isn't just the inability to conceive. Infertility, whether primary or secondary, can also be defined by repeat pregnancy loss.
In many circles, I was one of the lucky ones. When trying for our first child, I got pregnant during the second month off of birth control. And, despite some issues with mild pre-eclampsia, I gave birth to a full term, almost 9 pound baby boy. When Marty was about 2 1/2, we decided to try again and quickly got pregnant again only to lose that pregnancy almost immediately. Technically, it was classified as a chemical pregnancy (a term I fucking HATE) and it was my first miscarriage so none of us thought too much about it. After that loss, it took about 4 months (it seemed like a lifetime but was nothing in reality) to successfully get pregnant with our second son. Once again, I was one of the lucky ones. Despite Joey being born 4 weeks early, he was 7 pounds, 20 inches, and was breathing on his own immediately. Overall, I'd say my faith in my body's ability to reproduce had been restored. Boy was I deluded.
Our descent into infertility hell came when we decided to try for our third baby. It took almost 3 years, 6 miscarriages, 3 D&Cs, 626 lovenox shots, 207 progesterone suppositories, and more heartbreak than I can quantify to conceive and carry our third child to term. If we were ever blessed with another pregnancy that led to our 4th child, I would have shots and suppositories to deal with yet again. I'd say those stats place me firmly in the infertile camp.
Those years of infertility fucked with me mentally like nothing before or since has. I lost all faith in my body and it's ability to do what others took for granted. I developed serious white-coat hypertension. It literally got to the point that I would walk into the elevator leading to my OB-GYN's office and I could feel my heart rate and blood pressure go up. The deep and abiding desire for another child coupled with the repeated and abject failure of my body to cooperate sent me into a deep depression. I was use to being the one who could always help others but I found myself at the bottom of a deep, dark pit I could not claw my way out of. And, despite the huge shit pile infertility gave me, I was again one of the lucky ones. I was lucky because it only took about 3 months of chemical help to lift the awful depression I was in. I was lucky because my doctors were able to diagnose and treat the cause of my secondary infertility (the lovely one-two punch of luteal phase disorder and my own special variation of a clotting disorder). I was lucky because I had insurance that covered the meds I needed to treat my issues. In the end, I was lucky because I got my Gabriel, my post infertility baby. Many women are never that lucky.
It's a myth that if you already have one child, you know you are fertile and will have no problems conceiving and carrying to term again. I am living proof of that.
Understanding Infertility
Check out the history of National Infertility Awareness Week
Friday, October 15, 2010
Remembering our babies
Back in 1988, *"President Ronald Reagan Proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. 'When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, their isn't a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes.' "
Back then, the need for a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month wasn't even a blip on my radar. Surely I would grow up, get married, get pregnant, and pop out a few kids without any problems. Babies don't die early, do they?
Now, I am so thankful that there is a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and that there is a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
Please visit the site and watch this video to learn about the wave of light that will be sweeping through the world at 7 pm tonight. If you are somewhere that you can't light a candle, please take a moment and say a prayer for the little ones we've lost. Tonight, I'll be remembering my little girl Eva, lost 6/17/04, and the other 7 babies who came and went from my life far too quickly. I'll also be remembering Adam Michael Seip, Bridgitt Kelly, and all the other lost angels of my friends.
* info taken from Remembering Our Babies
Back then, the need for a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month wasn't even a blip on my radar. Surely I would grow up, get married, get pregnant, and pop out a few kids without any problems. Babies don't die early, do they?
Now, I am so thankful that there is a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and that there is a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
Please visit the site and watch this video to learn about the wave of light that will be sweeping through the world at 7 pm tonight. If you are somewhere that you can't light a candle, please take a moment and say a prayer for the little ones we've lost. Tonight, I'll be remembering my little girl Eva, lost 6/17/04, and the other 7 babies who came and went from my life far too quickly. I'll also be remembering Adam Michael Seip, Bridgitt Kelly, and all the other lost angels of my friends.
* info taken from Remembering Our Babies
Monday, September 27, 2010
Do The Right Thing
I found out today that an 18 yr. old girl I know is pregnant. She has no biological family but she does have people that care for her and will be there for her. The father of her baby is a loser and things have been getting tenser and more volatile since they found out she is pregnant. This girl has a good head on her shoulders despite ending up in this situation. Despite her history, she already cares enough to consider the idea of adoption. Because of her history and her quite natural issues with abandonment, she is shying away from adoption. Part of the reason she has shied away from it is that she had been holding out hope that the baby's father would man up and do the right thing. I don't think he will and I think she is starting to feel that way as well.
When I was talking to the adults in her life, I felt the almost overwhelming urge to tell them "Tell her it will be ok. We'll take the baby. It would be a completely open adoption. We would love the baby as our own and she would be welcome in our life." Luckily, sanity prevailed and I kept my mouth shut. It is neither the time nor the place to even say anything about that. It just wouldn't be appropriate. But, I did tell them I was here for the girl to talk to if she needed an non-judgmental ear and I did tell them I know many people who have been involved in highly successful open adoptions.
It's funny. I had been slowly convincing myself the need for another child wasn't as strong as it had been before. Now, faced with this, I feel the need for a baby. I honestly expect this girl to keep the baby. With her personal/family history, any other decision would shock me. However, I think I want to sound my hubby out about this. If she should surprise everyone and decide on adoption, I want to know where my family stands on it.
No matter what happens, I need to start making a blanket and maybe a hat. Every baby deserves to be celebrated and every mother, even a very young mom, deserves the support of those who care about her.
When I was talking to the adults in her life, I felt the almost overwhelming urge to tell them "Tell her it will be ok. We'll take the baby. It would be a completely open adoption. We would love the baby as our own and she would be welcome in our life." Luckily, sanity prevailed and I kept my mouth shut. It is neither the time nor the place to even say anything about that. It just wouldn't be appropriate. But, I did tell them I was here for the girl to talk to if she needed an non-judgmental ear and I did tell them I know many people who have been involved in highly successful open adoptions.
It's funny. I had been slowly convincing myself the need for another child wasn't as strong as it had been before. Now, faced with this, I feel the need for a baby. I honestly expect this girl to keep the baby. With her personal/family history, any other decision would shock me. However, I think I want to sound my hubby out about this. If she should surprise everyone and decide on adoption, I want to know where my family stands on it.
No matter what happens, I need to start making a blanket and maybe a hat. Every baby deserves to be celebrated and every mother, even a very young mom, deserves the support of those who care about her.
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Is this my last first?
Mel's post about firsts got me thinking, especially when she talked about how having twins often means that things like your first first day of school is also your last first day of school. Now, I don't have twins (obviously) but I do have a little guy who had his first day of pre-school on Wednesday. I knew this day was coming. Hell, I have been looking forward to it. But, I thought I would have another one in the wings by now. And, I didn't think this would be my last first day of school. But, the more I think about it and the more time passes, the more I think that all the upcoming firsts for Gabe will be my last firsts.
It's been so long since we thought about trying for a final child...maybe not that long in the grand scheme of things but long in terms of reproductive life. I'm 40 (soon to be 41) and my hubby just turned 51. If we had another baby, I would be nearly 60 and Vic would be pushing 70 before that child would be almost on his own. I'm not sure I really want to go there. We are at the stage that life with the kids is starting to get easier in many ways. Hell, life with kids is never completely easy but, next year, all three would be in school full time. I might actually be able to reclaim my house (HAH, like that will ever happen). But, then I see a picture or meet a friend's child and I think "what if?"
Sigh, I'm not sure I'm quite ready for these firsts to also be lasts but it looks like it's moving that way.
It's been so long since we thought about trying for a final child...maybe not that long in the grand scheme of things but long in terms of reproductive life. I'm 40 (soon to be 41) and my hubby just turned 51. If we had another baby, I would be nearly 60 and Vic would be pushing 70 before that child would be almost on his own. I'm not sure I really want to go there. We are at the stage that life with the kids is starting to get easier in many ways. Hell, life with kids is never completely easy but, next year, all three would be in school full time. I might actually be able to reclaim my house (HAH, like that will ever happen). But, then I see a picture or meet a friend's child and I think "what if?"
Sigh, I'm not sure I'm quite ready for these firsts to also be lasts but it looks like it's moving that way.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Just Those Few Weeks
For those few weeks -
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks -
I came to know you . . .
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you.
Just those few weeks -
When I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations . . .
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks -
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks -
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were just those few weeks my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.
- Susan Erling Martinez
My dear friend Vicki over at An Abundance of Blessings posted this a week ago. It so perfectly captures the feelings I had with each of my losses and I wanted to pass it on to you all.
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks -
I came to know you . . .
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you.
Just those few weeks -
When I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations . . .
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks -
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks -
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were just those few weeks my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.
- Susan Erling Martinez
My dear friend Vicki over at An Abundance of Blessings posted this a week ago. It so perfectly captures the feelings I had with each of my losses and I wanted to pass it on to you all.
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Support needed for a fellow Land of IF resident...
Hey y'all, Lynn over at Wistful Girl needs our support. Please head on over and let her know we're here for her. Lynn is such a dear, sweet woman and she deserves better than the hand she's been dealt.
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Why does it feel like a door slamming shut?
Gabe got a new bed yesterday. It's his first real big boy bed...a bunk bed. He is so thrilled and so excited and I'm trying to be just as excited for him. Mostly I am. See, having two beds in that room has raised the possibility of Joey moving in with Gabe and letting Marty have his own room. And, while I know Marty would love it, to me that idea seems like the death knell for any chance of having our fourth and final baby. When we moved into this house 4 years ago my plan hope dream was that the new baby would share the room with Gabe. Agewise it would have made the most sense. And, I figured that even if the baby was a girl (oh what a dream) that by the time she needed a separate room, Marty would be heading off to college. And, I've been clinging to that dream. But, the kids themselves raised the possibility of the room switch and I simply said it was up to them. I can't make that decision for them because that bitch hope is making me ride the crazy train.
What if you let them switch room...and then you get pregnant...and then what are you going to do?
I put too many things on hold for too long when we were battling infertility and trying for Gabe. Ican't won't do that to my kids. I won't put their growing up on hold for a dream that may never arrive. If they decide to switch rooms, I'll suck it up and move on. Anything after that can be dealt with if it happens.
So why does a little part of me feel like crying and why does it feel like a light is about to go off and a door is about to slam shut on a dream?
What if you let them switch room...and then you get pregnant...and then what are you going to do?
I put too many things on hold for too long when we were battling infertility and trying for Gabe. I
So why does a little part of me feel like crying and why does it feel like a light is about to go off and a door is about to slam shut on a dream?
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Watch it crash and burn...
We all know storks are associated with babies and, for many of us who've gone through infertility, the sight of storks can bring up all kinds of angst. Here's a fun way to get rid of the stress and angst and, well, to watch the stork crash and burn. It's so simple that it's stupid but it's kind of addictive (think of popping bubble wrap)...
Come on and Walk The Stork
Come on and Walk The Stork
Thursday, May 06, 2010
Fellow Blogger Nominated For Women's Health Award
Mrs. Spock wrote the following and has asked for help in spreading the news...
Over at Our Bodies, Our Blog, the annual Women's Health Heroes Awards are in full swing. This year, one of our own has been nominated for an award, Jenni Saake at Infertility Mom. Currently, she's in third place. Jenni has written the book " Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage and Adoption Loss", and is the creator of Hannah's Prayer Ministries.
Infertility is often overlooked when it comes to women's health (who gives a hoot if you can't be a mother, right?)- and I think it would send a fantastic message- one that says "Hey, there are a lot more of us than you think!"- if Jenni made it to the top spot.
Just click on over, leave a comment, and hit the "thumbs up" button at the bottom of the post.
Vote for Jenni- and pass it on!
**Updated- She's #2!
Saturday, May 01, 2010
Stripping Away The Disguise
To most of the world, I appear to be a normal woman. Sure, I'm a SAHM in a world where that doesn't happen often. And, yeah, I'm a fat mom in a world that reveres thin, shapely bodies. I'm also a mom who has been married to the father of my children for more than 15 years. What the world sees is a mom to 3 happy (mostly), healthy, and sort of brilliant children.
The world doesn't see the infertile.
The world doesn't see the woman who has been pregnant 11 times but only has 3 children.
The world doesn't see the woman who got dragged so very deep into the dark pit of depression by loss after loss after loss while trying to have her third child. Thank God she had her first two children to ground her and keep her tied to everything else that is important in her life.
The world sees the field trip going, kid schlepping mom who loves her life.
The world doesn't see the mom who aches to have a fourth child and who knows that may never happen because of the delays caused by infertility.
The world doesn't see the mom who never got to hold her daughter.
The world doesn't see the woman whose heart shattered over and over again.
The world sees the woman whose life is blessed beyond measure. I am blessed with a spouse who loves me beyond measure and children who are growing into fine young men. I am blessed with a fabulous family and friends I treasure like family.
The world sees me but not all of me.
This is me with the disguise stripped away.
The world doesn't see the infertile.
The world doesn't see the woman who has been pregnant 11 times but only has 3 children.
The world doesn't see the woman who got dragged so very deep into the dark pit of depression by loss after loss after loss while trying to have her third child. Thank God she had her first two children to ground her and keep her tied to everything else that is important in her life.
The world sees the field trip going, kid schlepping mom who loves her life.
The world doesn't see the mom who aches to have a fourth child and who knows that may never happen because of the delays caused by infertility.
The world doesn't see the mom who never got to hold her daughter.
The world doesn't see the woman whose heart shattered over and over again.
The world sees the woman whose life is blessed beyond measure. I am blessed with a spouse who loves me beyond measure and children who are growing into fine young men. I am blessed with a fabulous family and friends I treasure like family.
The world sees me but not all of me.
This is me with the disguise stripped away.
********************
Today is the last day of National Infertility Awareness Week...April 24th-May 1st 2010. Click on over to the NIAW page and the Resolve.org homepage. According to the CDC, about 12% of people of childbearing age experience infertility. That is more than 1 in 10. That means that someone you know has gone through this. Educate yourself.
Friday, April 23, 2010
What IF?
What if I hadn't been affected by infertility?
I've always known I was going to have at least three children and, since I was pregnant with my second son, I became convinced that I was suppose to have 4 kids. Then infertility hit and it was a struggle to even get my third son here. Looking back at what we went through gets me thinking and the unanswerable questions rear their heads. Looking forward seems to offer just as many opportunities for contemplation and confusion. Infertility changes your life forever and sometimes seems to leave you with more questions than answers.
Looking back...
When I was pregnant with my oldest, we were living in a very small apartment. Back then, my in-laws offered us a house...the same house we are now living in. It seemed like a wonderful opportunity. We would be renting to own, paying less than market value, and there would be no worries about financing. Hell, it even had a fenced in back yard for our dog. But, something told us to say no. It was more than the fact that we lived near our friends and our church. It just didn't feel like the right move to make.
What if we had taken the house back then? If we had moved to Cary back then, I wouldn't have had the wonderful OB that I had. My OB and his wife had been infertility patients themselves. He got just how hard it was to go through it. He was willing to order whatever tests I needed. He was open to all kinds of treatments. And, we did it all without a referral to an RE. Would Gabe have ever been born without me being under the care of that wonderful man? While Gabe can sometimes drive me crazy, he is a sweet, wonderful boy who makes me melt and I can't imagine life without him.
What if we hadn't lost our daughter in the summer of 2004? Would we still have had Gabe or would our family be completely different? I can't even fathom how that would change everything.
What if we hadn't experienced infertility? Would we have had our fourth child before Vic was diagnosed with diabetes? Diabetes issues put our trying to conceive plans on hold and have thrown up road blocks I couldn't have imagined.
Looking forward...
What if we never have that fourth child that I so strongly believe is suppose to be here? Will I always wonder about how things might have been different?
What if we do have a fourth child but, because of the delays caused by IF, my husband isn't around when that child grows up? I'm 40. Vic is 50. We're pushing the reproductive envelope here.
I can't let the What ifs dominate my thoughts or paralyze me when it comes to thinking about the future. I can't imagine life without the exact 3 children we have and I can't imagine my life without the friends I have made because of infertility. Instead of letting the What ifs be heavy chains that weigh down my soul, I chose to see them as butterflies that flit through and remind me to be thankful for what I have.
I've always known I was going to have at least three children and, since I was pregnant with my second son, I became convinced that I was suppose to have 4 kids. Then infertility hit and it was a struggle to even get my third son here. Looking back at what we went through gets me thinking and the unanswerable questions rear their heads. Looking forward seems to offer just as many opportunities for contemplation and confusion. Infertility changes your life forever and sometimes seems to leave you with more questions than answers.
Looking back...
When I was pregnant with my oldest, we were living in a very small apartment. Back then, my in-laws offered us a house...the same house we are now living in. It seemed like a wonderful opportunity. We would be renting to own, paying less than market value, and there would be no worries about financing. Hell, it even had a fenced in back yard for our dog. But, something told us to say no. It was more than the fact that we lived near our friends and our church. It just didn't feel like the right move to make.
What if we had taken the house back then? If we had moved to Cary back then, I wouldn't have had the wonderful OB that I had. My OB and his wife had been infertility patients themselves. He got just how hard it was to go through it. He was willing to order whatever tests I needed. He was open to all kinds of treatments. And, we did it all without a referral to an RE. Would Gabe have ever been born without me being under the care of that wonderful man? While Gabe can sometimes drive me crazy, he is a sweet, wonderful boy who makes me melt and I can't imagine life without him.
What if we hadn't lost our daughter in the summer of 2004? Would we still have had Gabe or would our family be completely different? I can't even fathom how that would change everything.
What if we hadn't experienced infertility? Would we have had our fourth child before Vic was diagnosed with diabetes? Diabetes issues put our trying to conceive plans on hold and have thrown up road blocks I couldn't have imagined.
Looking forward...
What if we never have that fourth child that I so strongly believe is suppose to be here? Will I always wonder about how things might have been different?
What if we do have a fourth child but, because of the delays caused by IF, my husband isn't around when that child grows up? I'm 40. Vic is 50. We're pushing the reproductive envelope here.
I can't let the What ifs dominate my thoughts or paralyze me when it comes to thinking about the future. I can't imagine life without the exact 3 children we have and I can't imagine my life without the friends I have made because of infertility. Instead of letting the What ifs be heavy chains that weigh down my soul, I chose to see them as butterflies that flit through and remind me to be thankful for what I have.
*****************************************
Bloggers from the ALI (Adoption, Loss, Infertility) community are writing about WhatIfs for National Infertility Awareness Week, April 24 to May 1. To add your own thoughts, link here or here.
This post is part of the Bloggers Unite Project. For more on infertility, see Resolve.
Pssssst...I stole the phrasing for this last paragraph from Lori.
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