Women are not peas brained idiots!

They are at it again. Some small minded government representative is at it again. Please go visit Grrl's Blog and read about it all!

I love this crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic...

...Awful, beautiful life. My apologies to Darryl Worley (a country artist) for stealing this line from his song. Before any of you wonder(or I wonder myself) if I've gone off the deep end, let me just say that I am having a moment where I'm not consumed by my losses and our struggle with infertility. I'm having one of those times when I realize just how much I have to be grateful for. I was just checking on my kids before I went to bed myself and, as I bent over and kissed my youngest, I whispered "I love you." My precious little boy whispered back in his sleep filled almost unintelligible voice, "I love you too mama." How could I not realize just how lucky I am?

So, in the spirit of all the lists that have filled blogland lately...

The 10 things I'm most thankful for...
1)I have been married to my best friend and soulmate for over 10 years. Vic is my rock and my source of strength. I thank the lucky stars we found each other.
2)I have two wonderful boys who are healthy, happy, and generally great kids. No, they aren't perfect. I was ready to call 1-800-GypsiesRUs and have them carted away earlier today. But, they are our children and I love them dearly.

3)I have a realtively normal, sane family who has stuck with me through all of the insanity of the past few years.
4)My in-laws are truly wonderful people. If I had to pick a family other than my own to belong to, it would be the family I married into. Unlike many people, I dearly love my mother-in-law.
5)I've had the same best friend (other than my hubby) for over 20 yrs. Jennifer knows all my flaws and foibles and she still loves me. She is one of the rocks I've clung to.
6)I was able to overcome my notion of what I thought I had to do to be happy (have a high powered career) and do what truly makes me happy (stay home and be a wife and a mother). This is not meant to be a slam on anyone else. This is simply an observation about my own life.
7)I have a group of online friends who love me enough that they made me this quilt in memory of the babies I have lost...

8)We own our house and 5 acres of land out in a beautiful part of central NC. There were times we had to struggle hard to keep this and I am so thankful we held onto it.

9 and 10 will have to wait for another time. I'm exhausted and my brainis beginning to rebel and demand sleep. Thanks for wading through my overly saccharine post. I'm was just overwhelmed by the feeling that I am so lucky to have what I do that I had to write it down.

About me...

Just a little something I wanted to put out here so I won't offend or step on any toes...

I am a Lutheran who has a very strong faith in God. Frankly, if it wasn't for my faith, I might not have made it through all my losses. That said, I know there are some of you (including some of my blogging buddies) who are either of another religion or simply do not believe in God. When I post to you and say I am praying for you, I am not trying to force my views or my religion on you. That is simply my way of saying I care and I am hoping for the best. Yes, when I say this, I do say a prayer for you. However, I hope no one will be offended or take it in a negative manner.

8 fricking shots...

Thats how many shots it took for the dentist to numb me enough to do a crown on one tooth. It took 6 shots to get me numb enough to be able to drill and 2 more shots during the process (it started to wear off).

My jaw hurts and the temp crown just feels funny.

UGH

I had the MRI done on my knee yesterday...

and, damn, is that machine loud. During one part of the process, the machine sounds like a jackhammer .

According to the machine (and the docs that read the pics), I have a "possible" small tear of the meniscus (knee cartiledge) and an associated bone bruise. Pretty amazing how a small tear keeps me from straightening my leg all the way. The earliest appointment they have with the ortho doc is February 4th but they have me on the list to come in if there is a cancellation.

My reward for having a miscarriage...

is that I get to have an MRI on my knee this Wednesday and I get to go to the dentist on Friday for a filling and a crown. I think I'd rather be preggo. At least, when the dentist is drilling at my teeth, I'll get the good drugs. I still don't think this is a good enough consolation prize though.

My daughter should have been due today...

My little girl, the baby we lost after seeing the heartbeat, would have been due today. I miss all the babies I've lost but her loss stings the worst because I'd actually started to believe she would make it.

I am so lucky and so blessed to have the two beautiful boys I do have. But, that doesn't make me any less sad for the babies I will never get to hold....the cheeks I will never get to stroke or kiss...the little ears I will never get to whisper "I love you" into.

My babies...I will always love you and I'll never, ever forget you.

Another one bites the dust...

Today I should have been 5 weeks 2 days. Instead, chalk up one more loss. My back started bothering me yesterday morning and I just chalked it up to sleeping wrong. But, I was the one who was wrong. I saw bright red blood this afternoon. My OB was going to do an u/s first thing tomorrow am but I decided to go ahead and use the last two hpts I had. A week and a half ago, I got light but very distinct lines at night. This afternoon I got the two biggest BFNs you've ever seen.

Yes, I am sad but for some reason I do not feel overwhelmed. For this, I am thankful. If I was overwhelmed and devastated, my hubby would be much less likely to want to try again (he hates seeing me in pain). From a medical standpoint, I am relieved it happened now rather than 3 or 4 weeks from now. Its more likely to be a random loss (which SUCK just as badly) than related to the clotting issues. Maybe I'm just rationalizing away everything but, if it allows me to keep a grip on my emotions and sanity, I'll take it.

Well, my knee is worse than they originally thought.

The swelling is down but I still can't straighten it out all the way and I can't comfortable bend it past about 90 degrees. The preliminary verdict is torn cartiledge. The only way to confirm this diagnosis prior to arthroscopic surgery on the knee is to do an MRI...and, I can't have an MRI for 2 months. Why two months you ask. Well, thats becasue they won't do an MRI during the first trimester of pregnancy. Thats right, I saw that second line. Its faint but it is there...and its there by the three minutes you have to give the test to run. I honestly don't know what possesed me to test last night. I honestly thought I was getting ready to greet the hated AF. I'm not even due to start until tomorrow. I wouldn't even be late until Thursday. I know I'm rambling but I think I'm in shock...not to mention scared shitless. I started my Lovenox today and I' have an u/s scheduled for January 25th.

My first month "back in the saddle" and its already a bust...

because here I am in the middle of my fertile period and I'm suffering the after effects of Kristin vs the Christmas Tree... yup, you read that right...here's what happened...

On Thursday, Marty almost knocked over our tree twice. Our tree is about 8 ft tall and we have one of those huge stands that will hold 2 1/2 gallons of water. Despite this, Marty managed to send it off kilter enough that the stand was almost emptied twice. After the second mishap, Vic and I finally got it secure in the stand and I decided I would be damned if that was happening again. I decided I was going to put two eyebolts into the wall and tie my tree to them. I got my drill and my eyebolts, found the wall studs, and placed the eyebolts. Then, I went out to the van to get the cord we had used to tie the tree to the roof. I can't really tell you what happened next...either my foot slipped or the step stool slipped or something and I went down tangled in my metal two step step stool. Vic offered a hand to help me up and I informed him I was NOT moving yet but he could move the step stool. Vic asked me if I thought I needed to go in (to the ER). After a few minutes, I decided that yes, considering I heard and felt my knee pop on the way down, I probably should go in. I then decided that the best way to do it was via 911/the ambulance. I opted for that because it was already getting late and the kids did not need to be stuck in the ER and because Vic is just recovered from a back injury and I didn't want him sitting in the ER for however long it took. Turns out that the paramedic on duty was a friend (his son is in TKD with Joey) and the other one on duty knows a lot of the people I use to run calls with...so, after he finished the paperwork and I turned down the pain meds (man did it hurt), we traded stories about all the EMTs/paramedics we both knew.

The ER concluded it isn't broken and that, since it didn't puff up immediately, it probably isn't cartiledge damage. Its just a good old fashioned severely sprained knee.

I love my doc I love my doc I love my doc...

I have the best OB/GYN around. I made a consult appointment for today and told him that the first hematologist had confirmed my shortened ptt and that the second one was running tests to see if she could figure out why. I then said I really wanted a script for Lovenox (low molecular weight heparin...much more stable) before we started trying again. He didn't even blink, said that sounded perfectly reasonable, and wrote me a script on the spot.

Soooooooo, I am nervous, excited, and scared because we will officially start trying again this next cycle (which should start withtin a week).

Another thing I wanted to mention...when I went into the doctors office the sky was completely covered with clouds...the kind that look like they will be there forever...just over an hour later, I came out and the sky was the most beautiful blue...the only clouds you could see were way off on the horizon...makes you stop and think.

Holiday Gift List for Infertiles...

I had to point y'all to the brilliantly funny Infertile Gift Guide posted by Chris over on Barefoot and...

The only downfall is that to truly get it, you either have to be suffering through infertility yourself or have a very close friend who is.

I have also discovered a wonderful book. It is called The Infertility Survival Handbook. I know a lot of the info in it is old hat for many of you bloggers but it is still great to have it all in one location.

Well, I did it...

I finally got rid of a bunch of baby stuff left from when my sons were small. This doesn't mean I've given up on having another baby. I am actually extremely positive about the possibility of having another baby. However, having all those things sitting there and waiting was like a slap in the face every time I looked at them. So, I finally took the swing, the porta crib, the boppy pillow, the exersaucer, and the booster seat and donated them to a local charitable group. I hope they can bring some joy to someone's life.

A rememberance for my lost angels...

I have been wanting to find a way to remember my lost babies for a while and I finally figured out a way. I have added 7 starbursts around a dragon tattoo I have had for a while. The pink one in front of the dragon is for Eva.

OMG, OMG, OMG...I found it...

I found an online PUBLISHED article from a known medical journal that shows a STRONG tie between shortened ptt and recurrent miscarriages. A synopsis of the article can be found here but the most important line in the whole synopsis is...

A shortened aPTT before conception is associated with further miscarriages in patients with a history of recurrent spontaneous abortions who have no antiphospholipid antibodies.

I will get a script for the needed meds and I will have my baby eventually!!!

Asshat comments from good people...

Why? Why do people who love you and want the best for you say some of the stupidest things?

After our loss last November, my mom said "You just get excited too early?" Ummm...'scuse me mom...I know you are just trying to protect me. I know you don't want to see me in pain..but what the hell am I suppose to do? Am I suppose to start a pregnancy thinking this one isn't going to work? When someone wants a baby as much as I do, as much as we do, you can't turn off the hope. You hope and pray that this time its the one. You get excited because you are pregnant again. I don't need someone saying "You get excited too soon" when we suffer through yet another loss. I just need you to say "I am so very sorry."

After the same loss, about two months after, my dad called me and told me he had had a dream about us. And, in that dream, someone told him that if I spent the next 18 months getting into the best shape I possibly could that I would then conceive and birth the little girl I had been dreaming of. I know my dad was trying to reassure me...but I wanted to hang up the fucking phone. That kind of comment makes me feel like all our losses are my fault. Damn it, I know I'm fat...I don't nee my dad tying it to our efforts to get pregnant.

And my sister-in-law, she married a man who is older and has had a vasectomy so children aren't in the picture for them. I can accept that part of her might regret this but don't tell me that there is no reason I should be so desperate to have another child. Don't fricking tell me how I should feel!

What really sucks is that I feel bad about resenting these comments. I feel like I should be able to let them roll off my back. I CAN'T! I love these people dearly. I would never want to be without them. But I wish they would shut the fuck up sometimes.

The final (Please God) puzzle piece has been found!

Just got a phone call from my OB's office and my second round of bloodwork confirmed the results from the initial testing. My ptt (see previous entry) continues to be low indicating a faster than normal clotting time. My OB is getting me an appointment to consult with a hematologist to find out exactly how we will treat this next time I get pregnant. It feels good to have an answer. I hope this is the last time I need to go searching for an answer about my fertility.

Waiting SUCKS!!!

I am not by nature a patient person but lately it feels like all I am doing is waiting. I've waited to get pregnant...I've waited to see if any of them were sticky pregnancies...I've waited for test results and waited for retests. I have only one major thing to say...WAITING SUCKS! Right now I am waiting for results from my repeat bloodwork. After we lost Eva, I finally had the standard infertility workup done. And, before any of you start ranting about my docs waiting too long, the timing of the tests was my choice. One of the major things they check for in the infertility work up is clotting disorders. Although my overall results were in the normal range, my *ptt came back low. A low ptt result indicates a faster than normal clotting time...and, if the retest confirms this, we could have the final piece of the puzzle of why I've lost so many pregnancies after carrrying two babies successfully.

Puzzle piece number 1 was found after my third consecutive loss (5 loss cummulatively) when I had my serum progesterone level checked on cd 21 (which for me is 7 dpo). My level was only 8.2 which is lower than the 10 that most docs believe you need to carry a pregnancy successfully. I had one more extremely early loss and, once my body was responding to the progesterone suppositories the way it should, we conceived Eva. I had such high hopes for that pregnancy but it was all for naught. My little girl's heart stopped beating somewhere around 9 weeks along and I found out 5 days later. At this point, we decided we wanted all the testing done that could be done. This was when we found puzzle piece number 2. Because I had read an article about contaminated well water causing multiple miscarriages, we decided we should have our well water tested. We had bought our house brand new through my evil ex-BIL and, when I called the Enviromental Health Dept. about retesting our well water, I found out the son of a bith had NEVER tested our water to begin with....arrgh. Testing should our well to be contaminated with bacteria...and we've been in our house for 3 1/2 years. I could have ripped him to shreds with my bare hands when I found out what he had done to us. Our well has since been decontaminated and retested and all is clean. I'm hoping that this retest bloodwork will provide us with the third and final puzzle piece to explain our losses...please dear God let it be the final puzzle piece. I should get the results back in the next few days...and they had better be back by then or I may storm the LabCorp offices to get them.



*ptt = partial thromboplastin time

Thank you Trooper Gentry...

Thank you for not writing me a ticket. But, more than that, thank you for showing sympathy the other night. I had been at a ladies group I belong to and I had been talking about the losses we have had. Thank you for looking at me when you stopped my car and understanding that the tears you saw were real. Thank you for believing me when I said I had been thinking about my miscarriages and forgot to check my speed.

Infertility Sucks (yeah...I know I'm preaching to the choir...)

After reading all the wonderful blogs out there, I feel like I should have something wonderfully pithy and witty to say...but I don't. All that keeps running through my mind is how much infertility sucks. My battles with infertility have not only robbed me of my babies, its robbed me of so many things. It has robbed me of the innocent joy of pregnancy and I can no longer go into pregnancy with the faith that all will turn out ok. Hell no...each BFP I've gotten has ushered me into a world of stark terror. Infertility has robbed my of the sheer delight I should feel when I find out a friend is pregnant. Yeah...I am happy for them...but there is always that small, dark place in me that is filled with jealousy. I fucking hate that. I'm not sure which is worse...the jealousy or the feeling of shame I get because I am resentful and jealous. I feel like I should be able to be a better person and be able to separate my friends experiences from mine...but I just can't.

But, you know what, as horrible as this whole journey has been, there have been some benefits as well. I have always loved and treasured the two boys I do have but, since suffering through all our losses, I think I treasure the little moments with my boys even more. This journey has also truly shown me what a wonderful group of friends I have. My dear friend Jennifer has sat and cried with me for each baby I have had to say good bye to. My friends Pam and Christa dropped everything, packed up there kids, and came to visit, clean, and keep me company. My friends from the Cross Stitch Board put together a beautiful quilt in memory of all of my angels. And my husband...he has grieved with me over the children we've lost and whole heartedly supports me in my quest for answers so we can have another baby. Without the love and support of all these wonderful people, I don't know where I would be right now.