"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. " -Helen Keller

Monday, January 31, 2005

Women are not peas brained idiots!

They are at it again. Some small minded government representative is at it again. Please go visit Grrl's Blog and read about it all!

Friday, January 28, 2005

I love this crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic...

...Awful, beautiful life. My apologies to Darryl Worley (a country artist) for stealing this line from his song. Before any of you wonder(or I wonder myself) if I've gone off the deep end, let me just say that I am having a moment where I'm not consumed by my losses and our struggle with infertility. I'm having one of those times when I realize just how much I have to be grateful for. I was just checking on my kids before I went to bed myself and, as I bent over and kissed my youngest, I whispered "I love you." My precious little boy whispered back in his sleep filled almost unintelligible voice, "I love you too mama." How could I not realize just how lucky I am?

So, in the spirit of all the lists that have filled blogland lately...

The 10 things I'm most thankful for...
1)I have been married to my best friend and soulmate for over 10 years. Vic is my rock and my source of strength. I thank the lucky stars we found each other.
2)I have two wonderful boys who are healthy, happy, and generally great kids. No, they aren't perfect. I was ready to call 1-800-GypsiesRUs and have them carted away earlier today. But, they are our children and I love them dearly.

3)I have a realtively normal, sane family who has stuck with me through all of the insanity of the past few years.
4)My in-laws are truly wonderful people. If I had to pick a family other than my own to belong to, it would be the family I married into. Unlike many people, I dearly love my mother-in-law.
5)I've had the same best friend (other than my hubby) for over 20 yrs. Jennifer knows all my flaws and foibles and she still loves me. She is one of the rocks I've clung to.
6)I was able to overcome my notion of what I thought I had to do to be happy (have a high powered career) and do what truly makes me happy (stay home and be a wife and a mother). This is not meant to be a slam on anyone else. This is simply an observation about my own life.
7)I have a group of online friends who love me enough that they made me this quilt in memory of the babies I have lost...

8)We own our house and 5 acres of land out in a beautiful part of central NC. There were times we had to struggle hard to keep this and I am so thankful we held onto it.

9 and 10 will have to wait for another time. I'm exhausted and my brainis beginning to rebel and demand sleep. Thanks for wading through my overly saccharine post. I'm was just overwhelmed by the feeling that I am so lucky to have what I do that I had to write it down.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

About me...

Just a little something I wanted to put out here so I won't offend or step on any toes...

I am a Lutheran who has a very strong faith in God. Frankly, if it wasn't for my faith, I might not have made it through all my losses. That said, I know there are some of you (including some of my blogging buddies) who are either of another religion or simply do not believe in God. When I post to you and say I am praying for you, I am not trying to force my views or my religion on you. That is simply my way of saying I care and I am hoping for the best. Yes, when I say this, I do say a prayer for you. However, I hope no one will be offended or take it in a negative manner.

Friday, January 21, 2005

8 fricking shots...

Thats how many shots it took for the dentist to numb me enough to do a crown on one tooth. It took 6 shots to get me numb enough to be able to drill and 2 more shots during the process (it started to wear off).

My jaw hurts and the temp crown just feels funny.


Thursday, January 20, 2005

I had the MRI done on my knee yesterday...

and, damn, is that machine loud. During one part of the process, the machine sounds like a jackhammer .

According to the machine (and the docs that read the pics), I have a "possible" small tear of the meniscus (knee cartiledge) and an associated bone bruise. Pretty amazing how a small tear keeps me from straightening my leg all the way. The earliest appointment they have with the ortho doc is February 4th but they have me on the list to come in if there is a cancellation.

Monday, January 17, 2005

My reward for having a miscarriage...

is that I get to have an MRI on my knee this Wednesday and I get to go to the dentist on Friday for a filling and a crown. I think I'd rather be preggo. At least, when the dentist is drilling at my teeth, I'll get the good drugs. I still don't think this is a good enough consolation prize though.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

My daughter should have been due today...

My little girl, the baby we lost after seeing the heartbeat, would have been due today. I miss all the babies I've lost but her loss stings the worst because I'd actually started to believe she would make it.

I am so lucky and so blessed to have the two beautiful boys I do have. But, that doesn't make me any less sad for the babies I will never get to hold....the cheeks I will never get to stroke or kiss...the little ears I will never get to whisper "I love you" into.

My babies...I will always love you and I'll never, ever forget you.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Another one bites the dust...

Today I should have been 5 weeks 2 days. Instead, chalk up one more loss. My back started bothering me yesterday morning and I just chalked it up to sleeping wrong. But, I was the one who was wrong. I saw bright red blood this afternoon. My OB was going to do an u/s first thing tomorrow am but I decided to go ahead and use the last two hpts I had. A week and a half ago, I got light but very distinct lines at night. This afternoon I got the two biggest BFNs you've ever seen.

Yes, I am sad but for some reason I do not feel overwhelmed. For this, I am thankful. If I was overwhelmed and devastated, my hubby would be much less likely to want to try again (he hates seeing me in pain). From a medical standpoint, I am relieved it happened now rather than 3 or 4 weeks from now. Its more likely to be a random loss (which SUCK just as badly) than related to the clotting issues. Maybe I'm just rationalizing away everything but, if it allows me to keep a grip on my emotions and sanity, I'll take it.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Well, my knee is worse than they originally thought.

The swelling is down but I still can't straighten it out all the way and I can't comfortable bend it past about 90 degrees. The preliminary verdict is torn cartiledge. The only way to confirm this diagnosis prior to arthroscopic surgery on the knee is to do an MRI...and, I can't have an MRI for 2 months. Why two months you ask. Well, thats becasue they won't do an MRI during the first trimester of pregnancy. Thats right, I saw that second line. Its faint but it is there...and its there by the three minutes you have to give the test to run. I honestly don't know what possesed me to test last night. I honestly thought I was getting ready to greet the hated AF. I'm not even due to start until tomorrow. I wouldn't even be late until Thursday. I know I'm rambling but I think I'm in shock...not to mention scared shitless. I started my Lovenox today and I' have an u/s scheduled for January 25th.