Random thoughts on loss...

I knew losing one of our parents would be hard but I never realized just how hard it would be. My emotional and mental exhaustion is making me feel physically exhausted and I know Vic is even worse. My sense of time seems to be all skewed. It alternately seems like time is passing very quickly and that time is dragging.

I'm not in tears all the time but random thoughts and moments bring on the flood of tears quite easily. I was snuggling and singing to Gabe at bedtime and all of a sudden I was struck by the thought that any future child of ours would never get to be snuggled and held by his Grandpa Sig. The tears started and my voice broke and, it was all I could do to not totally lose it.

Marty and Joey seem to be doing ok but that's just whats on the surface. Joey is my laid back, mellow kid. He never gets upset about video games and he ended up in tears over one today. That was in addition to the total sobbing meltdowns he had this morning. Marty is holding it in but he has had his share of meltdowns. Even Gabe knows something is wrong. We were over at my in-laws house...strike that my mother-in-laws house last night and Gabe was fine. But today, when he heard me mention Grandpa, he asked "Where is he?" All I could do was say he's gone up to heaven to be with God. Gabe kept saying "But, where is he?" My little boy knew Grandpa was missing but just didn't understand why.

And, this whole situation reminds me how unprepared even the most meticulous person is for death and loss. My father-in-law planned for everything. He has the bank accounts set up as trusts because anything that isn't a trust and has his name on it has half the assets frozen until we can present the bank with a death certificate. He has the account that our rent/house payments go into and it automatically pays the taxes on both their house and the one we are renting to own. He has everything...every bill, every tax, every everything... taken care of except for the cost of the funeral. And, a funeral ain't cheap. Luckily, with the assets of the family, the funeral will be able to be paid for without it bankrupting anyone. Think about it folks, we may be young but life isn't a guarantee. If you know where you want to be laid to rest, contact a funeral home and prepay for the funeral. Costs will do nothing except go up and this will save your loved ones a lot of angst. Also, go ahead and buy your cemetery plot. Land (even in cemeteries) just gets more expensive.

Finally, on a lighter note, having kids warps your brain. Kids get obsessed with certain tv shows. Gabe's current obsession is The Wonder Pets. The theme song is insidiously catchy. Its the type that will run through your head for hours at a time. Vic told me he was there in the hospital with his mom and his siblings sitting with his dad's body and they were all in tears....and running through his head as the soundtrack to this moment was The Wonder Pets theme song...bwahahahahahahahahaha. I will NEVER let him forget that.