"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. " -Helen Keller

Saturday, April 30, 2005

I'm sorry I've been such a slacker but...

I have been so, so tired. On the rare day that I actually have the energy to do something, I have been putting together the quilt that the ladies on my cross stitch board all stitched squares for. It has 28 cross stitched squares. The cross stitch squares are being alternated with fabric squares with little boy type designs (trucks, race cars, dinosaurs, etc). The finished quilt is going to be about 62 inches wide by 80 inches long. I have all seven rows of ssquares assembled and now I'm putting the whole theing together. If I had anything approaching my normal level of energy, I would have finished this weeks ago but, as it is, it has been very slow going. I feel the need to get the quilt done ASAP because it is for the son of one of our board members and he is very ill.

On the pregnancy front, all seems to be going well. I went in last Wednesday (the 27th) and filled out all the paperwork that moves me from the normal roster of patients to the list of obstetrical patients. God I hate paperwork. *My OB was out of town so I don't have my next u/s scheduled but I should hear something about that early next week. And, I have my first normal OB appointment scheduled for May 18th. I will be just one day shy of 11 weeks at that point. I'm hoping we'll be able to hear the hb with the doppler at that point (with my oldest we heard it at 10 weeks...youngest we didn't hear it via doppler until 16).

Oh yeah...I've decided that as much as I hate insurance companies, I am not allowed to bitch about mine for the duration of this pregnancy. I got my OB to rewrite my Lovenox prescription so I get a 30 day supply instead of 14 days worth at a time. We did this because my copay is the same for any prescription (up to one month's worth). When I went in to fill it, the pharmacist made the comment "Lets see what your copay will be on this." I guess he said that because some insurance plans charge you a percentage of the actual cost of the drug. I told him that the copay would be $30 because thats what it always was for the drugs on the top price tier for my insurance. My pharmacist told me I was lucky because the out of pocket cost of a 30 day supply of Lovenox was $3000 (yes folks, there are suppose to be 3 zeroes). I knew it was a pricey drug but I was so stunned that I looked straight at him and said "Holy shit."

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

I made it through the weekend at my parents house...

and they are none the wiser about this pregnancy. Over all, it was a really good weekend. My niece's birthday party was nice and, afterward, we took the kids to see a local production of The Wizard of Oz. The only down side to the weekend was my sister and her holier than thou attitude. She went through a long period in her life when she lost all her faith. When she refound it, she took it to an extreme. I swear that at times she thinks God speaks to her more than he did to Moses. I am usually able to bite my tongue and put up with her idiosyncrasies but I lost it when she jumped all over my mom. She had the gall (after a bit of a tiff) to tell my mom that she was "sorry that you don't have the close relationship to Him (God) that I do...maybe one day you'll find it." She said this to our mother, a woman who has been a faithful Christian allher life...a woman who has always been involved with the Sunday school and youth groups at her church...a woman who is president of the church's womens group and is on her church council. I snapped and responded and I now suspect I'm on my sister's shit list. Oh well...she'll get over it eventually.

Gotta love families.

Friday, April 22, 2005

I'll be gone all weekend.

We are heading out of town for my niece's birthday party and my mom's surprise 60th birthday party. I won't be in until late Sunday so don't count on seeing me until Monday.

Have a great weekend y'all!

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

One sac, one baby, one BEAUTIFUL HEARTBEAT...

I was such a basket case today. My stomach was tied in knots. I couldn't eat or even finish my coffee. UGH. And then, my doctor's office was running behind...not severely behind...they were only 30 minutes off schedule but when you are as scared as I was it seemed like an eternity. Thank God my hubby was there to keep up the conversation because I was just sitting there trying not to cry or puke. I told my doc's wonderful u/s tech (I can't call her a wand monkey) not to even bother taking my bp because I knew it was up. I refused to look at the screen right away. I had my eyes closed and my head turned away and I think I might have broken my hubby's hand I was holding on so tight. I don't think I took a breath until she said, "There's the heartbeat." I turned and looked and promptly burst into tears. According to my lmp, I am 6 weeks 6 days and the baby is measuring 6 weeks 6 days. You could clearly see the baby and a nice big yolk sac. And the flicker was moving along at 142 beats per minute...pretty damned excellent for so early. The u/s showed the baby implanted way up at the fundus (top of the uterus) and there is no sign of anything untoward...everything looks exactly as it should!

The baby is between the two + marks and the bright area below the baby is the yolk sac from a side angle.

The baby is between the two + marks and the big blob below it is the large yolk sac.

I can breath again...which I figure should last a couple of days at most. Then on to the next worry.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

To all my blog and board friends...

I'm sorry I've been so slack about commenting on your blogs or boards. I'm so exhausted that many mornings it is all I can do to keep my eyes open. I am still coming by and reading but between my exhaustion the the growing obsessiveness and worry about the ultrasound tomorrow, I don't think I could form a coherent thought to post in your comments. If I make it through tomorrows ultrasound in one piece, I will get my slack ass in gear and start making the rounds again. If not, I guess it will be a few days. I miss you all.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Only 49 hrs and 47 minutes until my u/s appoitment...

Can you tell I'm getting nervous? The closer the 20th gets, the more on edge I become. At this point, nothing negative has happened. All the signs and symptoms point towards a healthy pregnancy but I'm still having a really hard time believing it might be possible. And, even if things go well on Wednesday, I still won't be ready to tell my family and I'm spending all next weekend around them. How am I going to hide the sheer exhaustion, the queasiness, and the possible runs to the bathroom if morning sickness hits full force? I've already had one session that ended with me praying at the porcelain altar. My mom will notice if my eating patterns are radically off and expalnations will be demanded if she catches site of my bruised belly (gotta love those lovenox shots). I'm taking suggestions for a cover story. The best one I've hit on so far is that I'm recovering from food poisoning.

Friday, April 15, 2005

I've had my second migraine...

since I found out I am pregnant. That total equals my migraine total for the previous 5 months. I really hope this isn't a sign of things to come because the thought of 2 migraines every week and a half scares me. They are so debilatating and pregnancy already makes me so tired.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Oh Good God...Britney Spears is pregnant...

I don't know why, but it really annoys the living crap out of me. No, scratch that, I do know why...she is s twit who hooked up with her husband less than 8 months after a 55 hour marriage and while his girlfriend was 7 months pregnant. I think it is lower than low to hook up with someone when they are expecting with someone else. ARGGGH...he needs to stop procreating until he grows up and, as for Britney, I hope we have the pleasure of watching her gain 80 lbs.

*PS...I know this is snotty and mean...so sue me!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

I did it...

I started my shots last night. Actually giving myself the shot wasn't that bad but I sat there and cried after I did. Wheee...aren't hormones fun. I also took another big step. I finally called my OB and set an appointment date. Next Wednesday, April 20th, at 11:15 am, I have my first ultrasound. I am both so very scared and so eager at the same time. I'm hoping and praying we'll see a beautiful little one in there. I know its too early to see much...but please God, at least let us see a well defined fetal pole and a little heart flickering away.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

I have to start my lovenox shots...

and thats got me scared. Since its after midnight my time, I am offically 5 weeks 4 days and I have to start the shots before I hit 6 weeks since that is when the placenta starts establishing itself and clotting can become an issue. Its not giving myself the shots that bothers me. I think its the fact that when I start the shots, I have to make the mental leap of acknowledging this pregnancy is real...that is has potential. Once I start those shots, there is no more distancing myself...no more protecting myself. I'm scared to death this won't work. Hell, I'm becoming positively neurotic. I'm so neurotic about this that I broke down and tested AGAIN tonight at 11. It hasn't even been 24 hours since I tested last. You would think that the fact that the test line showed up in 15 seconds...before the control line showed up...would give me some comfort but it doesn't. I don't think I'll believe it until I hold this baby in my arms. I use to say my comfort zone began when we saw the heartbeat...well, last summer's loss shot that to shit. I don't think I have a point that I might start to feel secure. While all my losses have been first trimester, I have had dear friends who lost their babies in the last few weeks of pregnancy...so even that stage scares me a bit. Right now I wish I could go to sleep and wake up in about 8 months...when this baby is due. It might be the only way I make it through this.

I hate being this scared. I'm scared to hope and I'm scared not to...anyone have any ideas about how to keep the fear under control?

Friday, April 08, 2005

I feel soooooo sick today...

I think its a combination of morning sickness and a stomach/GI tract thing. I woke up last night with cramps so bad that I was covered in a cold sweat. I was sure I was losing the baby...I have never been so very glad to have cramps that were caused be horrible diarrhea. Sorry, its gross, but then again, a lot of bodily functions are. My temperature is completely normal, but I feel like shit. If this is what my poor kiddo was feeling like earlier this week, I owe him an apology. (I didn't let him come home from school on Tuesday because there was no fever involved.) I've dozed on the couch all morning long and I finally feel good enough that I've eaten a few pieces of bread and am drinking my beloved diet coke.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

2 beautiful lines again and again...and other life stuff...

Anyone whose been on this journey knows you can't test just once. No way, no how...one test just won't do it. Hell, one brand just won't do it. I tested the first time on the 3rd and retested the morning of the 5th. On the 5th, I tested with both the Answer Early Result Pregnancy test and the standard Fact Plus test. The Fact Plus test recommends waiting until at least the day your period is due and it tests for a much higher concentration of hcg (online sites say between 150-250 mIU/ml)*

Aren't these lines gorgeous?

As far as symptoms are concerned, I am exhausted...so tired in fact that I have been mneaning to post for 2 days now and haven't been able to muster the energy. Thats a truly sad state of affairs. Also, I am having intermittent queasiness. I almost didn't make it through brushing my teeth last night. UGH I keep reminding myself that all these things are good signs, but it doesn't make me like them.

Now, on to other fun stuff. I've spent some time over the last few days helping my boys build their Pinewood Derby cars. They are having the best time decorating the cars and can't wait to race them on Saturday. I also got brand new gorgeous tile on my bathroom floor. Having such a gorgeous floor has me itching to paint and redo the bathroom. The tile is a wonderful marbled sandy color and I want to redo the walls in white so I can hang some beach themed pieces I have in there. I suppose I should wait but I really don't want to.

*Fact Plus does have test versions that test for lower concentrations but I used the one that tested for the higher concentration

Sunday, April 03, 2005

When I cave in, I do it in grand fashion...

Yup, I caved. I made it 4 days past when I was suppose to start not the 7 I was aiming for.

The cave in started 2 days ago. I was still avoiding hpts but on Friday I had a momentary lapse of sanity and calculated my potential due date (12/8...2 days after my 36th birthday). Why was I able to avoid hpts but I couldn't avoid the temptaion of those eeeevil due date calculators? Well, getting hpts involves at least a 20 minute trip to the store and the ability to make the trip without the company of my 8 yr old. Those two things made hpt purchase relatively easy to avoid. But due date calculators, those evil, insidious things are all too easily available online and, even worse, I have always been able to calculate that in my head. There was no avoiding it.

I knew I was sunk this morning though. My kiddos were exhausted and I decided to go to church without them.* I also offered to make the run to Wal-Mart to pick up a few essentials. While I was at Wally World, not one, not two, but three boxes of hpts crept into my cart. Before you scoff at my extravagance, be assured that each box contained a second free test. Then, the young twit....couldn't have been more than 20...checking me out felt the need to comment on my purchase..."You're going to make sure, aren't you?" And proceeded to tell me that the health clinic gave out free tests on Wednesday....ummmm, I don't fricking think so! Ther same previously mentioned tests then had the gall to set off the theft alarm at the exit because the twit checking me out was too busy commenting on them to REMEMBER to fucking swipe them and deactivate the theft protection strips. The poor old man at the exit had to look at my 3 boxes of hpts...hehehehehe.

The cave in continued when I got home this afternoon. Despite the fact that is was in no where close to fmu and despite the fact that is had been less than two hrs since I peed, I tested. Thats right folks, I tested.

The second line showed up less than a minute after I peed on the stick. Not bad for a mid afternoon test.

For any of my friends from the cross stitch board, I'm obviously not keeping this a secret. However, I am not ready to discuss it on the board yet. I'll be happy to chat about this via email but I'm not calling anyone to tell them or posting anything about this yet. And, I'm not sure when I'll be ready to. I couldn't have made it this far without you but I just can't take it beyond my blog or email yet. Its too new and way too uncertain.

*the kids stayed home with Vic...his knee was/is acting up and trying to sit in church with the pain wouldn't have been good