"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. " -Helen Keller

Thursday, March 31, 2005

I had so much fun tonight...

My boys and I* were suppose to meet an internet buddy for dinner tonight. Unfortunately, she got caught in horrible traffic leaving her home in Alabama and wasn't going to get to NC until way too late. So, the boys and I decided to go out for dinner anyway. We went to the Longbranch for dinner. Hehehe, my 8 yr old was getting very distressed because he didn't see steak listed on the children's menu. He was extremely relieved when I explained that sirloin was the same as steak. After stuffing ourselves to our gills, we went over to the book store. I so love the fact that my kids regard a trip to the book store as a treat. Both boys picked out books and I got a Sci-Fi magazine and a crochet mag. The crochet magazine is an awesome find becasue it actually has patterns for sweaters that are big enough to fit across my boobs...woohoo. We got home horribly late and I'm hoping that means the boys will sleep past 8.

Oh yeah...even though we were right near a drug store and right down the street from Wal-Mart, I still do not have any hpts. I have this bizarre notion that if I slip up and test before I'm a week late, I will guarantee my period will start the next day.

*my poor hubby is on night shifts right now so he couldn't join us.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

It is day 28 of my 28 day cycle...UPDATED

No sign of AF but I wouldn't necessarily expect there to be since I am on progesterone. My big accomplishment is that my house is still an hpt free zone. Can you believe it? I certainly can't. I keep vacillating as to whether I think I'm pregnant or not. I think if I were honest with myself, I do think I am pregnant. However, I keep talking myself out of the notion...chalking up the need for an afternoon siesta to the busy Easter holiday...attributing the peeing and the burping to the progesterone...you know how it goes.

So, how long do you think I will last before testing?

*Still no hpts in the house and I'm really trying to hold out for a few more days. Normally, I am so impatient that I either test a few days early or no later than the day I'm due to start. Its silly but I'm hoping changing my pattern will change my luck. Who knows...LOL.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Our Easter Adventures...

I'm not home quite yet...lunch and a 2 hour drive still separate me from my house...but I have computer access again. Part of my Easter fun involved setting up my mom's new computer. The other part of my Easter fun was taking Marty (my oldest) to the urgent care doctor's office. My mom and the kids (my boys and my nieces) were out walking in the woods. On the way back, Marty was running down the path and ended up falling. He came running back to my momm crying about his foot hurting. When she took his shoe off to check, there was a puncture wound on the ball of his foot and it was bleeding. Some asshole had buried a 2 ft long pice of 2x4 just under the dirt and it had 6 four inch rusty nails sticking up out of it. One of the nails went right through the sole of his shoe and into his foot. Thank God he had shoes on. Thank God the were thick soled shoes. And mostly, thank God he didn't go face first or chest first onto them. I could just strangle the person who did that.

BTW, we are pretty certain whoever did that was attempting to stop the people riding 4 wheelers through there. It still pisses me off royally. They didn't bother to think of what those nails could do to other people.

Friday, March 25, 2005


I hope y'all have a wonderful weekend. My hubby is on nightshifts and has to work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights so the boys and I are driving down to my parents in a couple of hours. That way, the boys can see their cousins and I won't get stuck doing all the cooking. My parents' computer bit the dust and I don't know if they have a new one up so you may not see me around until late Monday or sometime Tuesday.

Happy Easter!

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

I solemnly swear not to buy ANY hpts tomorrow at Wal-Mart.

No, its not time to test yet. I'm only about one week into the 2 week wait. However, I've decided for my sanity's sake (haha...me sane...thats a laugh) that I will not have any hpts in my house until I'm ready to test. Not having them around is the only way for me to resist the compulsive urge to test. I have never, ever had a good outcome when I've tested early. Yeah, I've tested as early as 11 dpo and gotten a positive but those positives didn't stick around. You know how it is when that bitch hope tantalizes you and then promptly turns around and smacks you down. I just don't want to go through that again. Being on progesterone has already got me imagining early pregnancy symptoms...I'm exhausted (I fell asleep in front of the tv the other night), I'm crabby, and, when I'm hungry, nothing sounds good. I know that its just the progesterone talking but, if I combine that with the presence of hpts, I know I would crack. So, my vow is to not test early. Hell, lets get daring...I vow not to test until I am one week late.

Bwahahahaha...isn't that just one of the funniest delusions you've heard of...an infertile who thinks she can hold out that long. Wish me luck y'all.

***I did it. I escaped Wal-Mart without a single hpt sneaking into my cart. I didn't even go into the pharmacy area.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

I've been feeling very out of sorts today...

warning...long, rambling self-absorbed post to follow

and I'm not entirely sure as to the cause. I sure some of it can be chalked up to the weather. We've gone from temps in the 50s to a cold rainy, sleety day with temps in the mid 30s. While I love rain and I really like a good thunderstorm, I do not like days that are cold, rainy, and dreary all day long.

I think the other thing that is causing me to be out of sorts today is that we are back to actively TTC. I had been wrestling a bit about whether I really and truly wanted to get back on this roller coaster. The post on Tertia's blog today made me really think about it and I realized that without a doubt I do want at least one more child. So, being back to TTC is cause for celebration but it is also cause for fear. The fact is, I conceive easily...6 pregnancies in 26 months testifies to that. However, those same 6 pregnancies all ended in losses. That is what causes the fear. What if the lovenox doesn't make a difference? What if we actually see a heartbeat again and lose the pregnancy anyway? What if we never see another heartbeat and just have many very early losses? What if? What if? What if? I truly HATE what if!

I long for the days when I blissfully assumed a pregnancy meant a baby. I remember one time back about 7 yrs ago...my oldest was only a little more than a year. I was at a preschool playground (for the kids I was a nanny to) and was talking to another mom. The fact that she was struggling with secondary infertility came up* and I remember thinking "I get pregnant so easily. That will never be me." How I wish I could believe that again. Right now, I even envy those of you who have managed to have a normal, uneventful pregnancy after suffering through infertility.** I would desperately love to go through one pregnancy without a disaster or near disaster occuring. So far, I have managed to deal with pre-eclampsia (1st successful pg), unexplained bleeding (2nd successful pg), 2 emergency c-sections (one much more emergent than the other), undiagnosed partial previa (long story, not docs fault) which resulted in uncontrolled bleeding at 36 weeks, 4 D&Cs, 4 chemical pregnancies (fucking hate that term), and aspirational pneumonia (caused by my 2nd emergent c/s). Toss in the LPD and the clotting disorder and I have an OB file thick enough to belong to an 80 yr old. At this point, if all I have to do during my next pregnancy is stick progesterone up my twat and stitck a needle into my thigh daily, I will consider that normal and uncomplicated. Please dear God...next time around, no cramps, no spotting, and, most of all, a healthy baby.

I really, really need to go pound fence posts but the weather isn't cooperating.

*to the lady I was talking to...if I said anything stupid, I humbly beg your forgiveness
**yes, I know I have two kids to be thankful for and I am. That does not mitigate the other feelings I have.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Today the poles I beat in were for Danae.

Yeah, I know that sounds wierd. But, while I was putting in fence posts, I had a little rant at the universe and at God about what Danae is going through. My rant lasted all the way through 21 poles.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Therapy for the Infertile (or anyone pissed at the universe)...

I have discovered the perfect therapy for working out your frustration and anger about infertility (or whatever else has pissed you off)...and it doesn't even have to be expensive. All you have to do is find someone who needs a fence put in and offer to pound in the fence posts. In case you haven't guessed by now, I'm putting in a fence around our yard and I've been amazed at the therapeutic nature of it. You get a good rhythm going while pounding in a pole and all of a sudden the noise becomes the percussion section thats backing your rant.

WHACK Screw the world WHACK Why can't I have a pregnancy work WHACK It isn't fucking fair WHACK I want to be pregnant WHACK


WHACK Our neighbors are such assholes WHACK I wish it was that asshats head I was pounding WHACK WHACK WHACK

So, do you think I could market this idea?

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Blogger technical help needed...

I want to add a hit counter. I have the code but can't figure out how/where to add it in the template code. Can anyone help?

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Shit, shit, shit...

Despite all my reproductive issues, the one thing I could always count on was having a normal, regular cycle. This last cycle was NOT normal for me. I always have a 28 day cycle and I ovulate on day 13 or 14. This last cycle was only 23 days. I ovulate on day 12 but that still makes my cycle fucked up this time.

Oh shit, I thought we had finally solved the problem. Why does my fucking body have to throw me a curve ball now? Why? Maybe it was a fluke...thats what I'm trying to tell myself...but the infertile part of my mind is screaming at me. Its screaming ugly words like perimenopause and worsening LPD. I know its not rational but then what about this whole process is.

My lack of rationality is extending to other areas too. The idea that I won't get successfully pregnant unless I give away all our stored baby supplies has become firmly entrenched in my brain. Its so entrenched that I felt like panicking when my husband said we should hold onto the crib matress a little while longer and not give it away. It feels like keeping a major item like that is waving a red flag in the face of Hope (that bitch)...just asking her to slap me down.

Can any of you talk any sense into me? Please